Chad Daniels - Kids

  • Season 12 , Ep 18
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 6,030

How in the hell did it take my father so long to abandon us? (3:24)

MY FATHER ACTUALLYABANDONED MY FAMILY

WHEN I WAS 15AND MY SISTER WAS 10.

NOW I HAVE A LITTLE BOYAND A LITTLE GIRL OF MY OWN

AND LOOK AT THEMEVERY SINGLE DAY AND THINK,

"HOW IN THE HELLDID IT TAKE HIM THAT LONG?"

WOW, KIDS SUCK AND ARE ANNOYING!AM I RIGHT?

HOLY CRAP.

MY SON WAKES ME UPAT 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

HE'S 8 YEARS OLD,

STILL WAKING ME UP AT 6:00IN THE MORNING DOING THIS TO ME.

"DADDY. DADDY, ARE YOU UP?ARE YOU UP?

DAD, ARE YOU UP? ARE YOU UP?CAN YOU GET ME SOME CEREAL?"

IT'S ON THE BOTTOM SHELF,YOU LITTLE PRICK.

YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M HIDINGTHAT STUFF IN THE FREEZER.

WE STRATEGICALLY PLACED IT LOWERSO YOU COULD REACH IT.

THAT'S ALSO WHYTHERE'S INDIVIDUAL MILKS

IN THE REFRIGERATOR SO YOU WON'TSPILL THE BIG JUG AGAIN.

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY DAUGHTER CAME HOMEFROM DAYCARE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE WAS LIKE...

♪ THE WIPERS ON THE BUSGO BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪

WELL, YOUR BUS IS BROKEN,STUPID.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I HOPE YOU KEPT THE RECEIPT.

I HOPE YOU KEPT THE RECEIPT

'CAUSE SOMEBODY SOLD YOUA LEMON.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

WIPERS DON'T GO BEEP,BEEP, BEEP -- HORNS DO.

LEARN THE WORDS.YOU'RE 3.

PEOPLE ALWAYS COME UP TO MEAFTER SHOWS --

"CHAD, YOU SHOULDN'T TALKLIKE THAT.

BABIES ARE MIRACLES.THEY'RE ABSOLUTE MIRACLES."

AND I AGREE.

WHEN THEY'RE BORN,THEIR FEET ARE ONLY THAT BIG,

YET THEY CAN SOMEHOW STEP ONALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I CAN SEE SOME CHRISTIANSSTARING AT ME.

THEY'RE NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUTWHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW.

BUT THEY CAN SUCK IT.

'CAUSE I WOULD NEVERHIT MY KIDS,

BUT I WOULD TOTALLY LEAVE THEMSOMEWHERE ON PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SOMEWHERE SAFE LIKEA CEREAL AISLE OR SOMETHING.

'CAUSE I WANTED TO BE A DADREALLY BAD, THEN I HAD KIDS.

TURNS OUT I WANTED TO BEAN UNCLE.

SEEMS WAY BETTER.

MY SON WAS BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK,

SO WE HAD TO LEARN STUFFDIFFERENTLY, LIKE THIS SONG --

♪ MOMMY AND DADDYSITTING IN A TREE ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G

♪ FIRST COMES THE BABYIN THE BABY CARRIAGE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ THEN COMES MARRIAGE

♪ BECAUSE OF THE BABYIN THE BABY CARRIAGE ♪

♪ NOW THEY KIND OFLIKE EACH OTHER ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY DAUGHTER'S NAME'S ANASTASIA.

IT'S NOT LIKE A FAMILY NAME,

BUT THERE'S A KID ON OUR BLOCKTHAT TEASES ALL THE OTHER KIDS,

AND HE HAS A LISP, SO WE THOUGHTWE'D MESS WITH HIM THIS TIME.

THAT'S GONNA BE GREAT."YOU'RE THTUPID ANATHTATHA!"

NOW SHE CAN BE LIKE,"AM I, FAT TONGUE?

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO PRACTICETALKING

'CAUSE MY MIDDLE NAMEIS SEABISCUIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE CAN LAUGH AT THAT, RIGHT?

IT'S A 5-YEAR-OLD WITH A LISP.HE'S GONNA GET OVER IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M UP HEREMAKING FUN

OF AN 18-YEAR-OLD WITH A LISP --I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S GAY-BASHING,AND THAT'S WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

YOU WANT TO GET MADABOUT THE LISP,

GET MAD AT THE GUYWHO NAMED IT "LISP."

WHAT A JERK, RIGHT?

"HEY, WHAT CAN'T THEY DO?""THEY CAN'T SAY THEIR S's."

"SERIOUSLY?LET'S CALL IT 'LISP.'

"PUT THEM ON THE BUS.WE'RE MOVING TO MISSISSIPPI.

COME ON."

"WHERE DO YOU GUYS LIVE?""MITHI-- AAH!"

MY MOM WAS MAD WHEN SHE FIGUREDOUT WHY WE NAMED HER THAT.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU NAMEDYOUR LITTLE GIRL THAT

JUST TO TEASE A LITTLE BOY?"

I WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE LUCKYWE HAD A LITTLE GIRL

OR YOU'D BE HOLDING A GRANDSONNAMED 'SUFFERING SUCCOTASH.'"

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