Dom Irrera - Honesty

  • Season 3 , Ep 7
  • 07/18/2000
  • Views: 9,278

A barber can't tell clients that they are human sloths. (2:51)

I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN,BECAUSE IT'S PURE.

YOU CAN BE HONEST.

CERTAIN OCCUPATIONS,YOU CAN'T BE HONEST:

BARBER, HAIRDRESSER.

THESE GUYS HAVE TO BE TACTFUL,DIPLOMATIC.

GUY GOES INTO A BARBER SHOP--ALL THOSE PICTURES ON THE WALL.

"I'D LIKE TO LOOK LIKE HIM."

THE BARBER CAN NEVER GO,"LISTEN, YOU FAT PIG,

"HE IS A MALE MODEL.YOU ARE A HUMAN SLOTH.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

"YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE HIM?

"HOW 'BOUT IF I START BYTRIMMING SOME OF YOUR FAT FACE,

"YOU PORKADELIC;

"YOU CENTERFOLDFOR MEAT MAGAZINE;

"YOU HEAVING,HUMPING HOG OF LIFE.

I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY."

[applause]

YOU CAN'T HAVE AN HONESTFOURTH-GRADE SCHOOLTEACHER.

"MR. AND MRS. JONES, JOHNNY,YOUR SON, YOUR ONLY CHILD,

"THE FRUIT OF YOUR LOINIS A MORON.

"I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS KID

"FINDS A DOOR TO GETOUT OF THE HOUSE IN THE MORNING.

"IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDWASTE HIM AND START OVER.

NOW, I SAY THATWITH ALL DUE RESPECT."

"I DON'T MEAN THATIN A BAD WAY."

THAT'S MY COUSIN JOHNNYWITH THE ITALIAN ERASER PHRASE,

"HEY, DOM, NOT FOR NOTHIN',

"THAT GUY IS A LOW-LIFE SCUMMYLITTLE FAT RAT WEASEL BASTARD.

"I DON'T MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY.

"DON'T TAKE ME WRONG.

"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,YOUR SISTER'S A SLUT.

"NOW, I SAID THATWITH ALL DUE RESPECT.

"YOU SEE I DID--I MEAN, SHE HASONE OF THE BIGGEST PUTANS.

"EVEN WHEN SHE CROSSES HER LEGS,THEY DON'T CLOSE ALL THE WAY,

"BECAUSE SHE'S SO STRETCHED OUT.

"BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS, SHE'S BLOOD."

THERE IT IS.

THIS IS MY BACKGROUND:

THE ITALIAN THING,THE WHOLE FOOD, THE BADDA-BOOM.

THIS IS WHAT I LOVE.

I LOVE THE FOOD.I LOVE TO EAT.

AND I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN.

I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH.

AND IT ALWAYS KILLS ME--THESE PEOPLE THAT--

THEY FEEL BAD FOR ME, LIKE,'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A SERIES,

YOU KNOW.

AND I KNOW THEY MEAN WELL.

"YOU KNOW, MAN, IT'S A SHAMEYOU DON'T HAVE A SERIES, RIGHT?"

IF I COULD JUST SAY,"THANK YOU."

I FEEL LIKE SAYING, "YEAH, IT'SA SHAME YOU'RE 42 YEARS OLD,

"YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER, ANDYOU WORK AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.

THAT ALSO BREAKS MY HEART."

SOME GUY TELLS MEABOUT SEINFELD, RIGHT?

HE GOES--AND I KNOW JERRYSINCE THE BEGINNING, RIGHT?

NOT TO BE A NAME DROPPER.

I KNOW EVERYBODYIN SHOW BUSINESS,

AND I LOVE THEM ALL DEARLY.

BARBRA STREISAND:FINEST PERSON YOU EVER MET.

YOU COULDN'T GETBETTER THAN HER.

ANYWAYS, SOMEBODY SAYS TO MEABOUT SEINFELD--HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW SEINFELD?"

I GO, "YEAH,I KNOW HIM VERY WELL."

HE GOES, "YOU LIKE HIM?"

AND I KNEW HE WANTED TO DIG HIM.

I GO, "YEAH, I LIKE HIM A LOT."

HE GOES, "[spits]WHAT'S HE GONNA DO NOW?"

I SAID, "WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

"HE'S GONNA TRY AND SPEND$1 BILLION.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?

"HEAT UP YOUR HUNGRY MANMACARONI AND CHEESE

AND WATCH THE JETSONS?"

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