I do have a bit ofbad news for nerds.
There is a growing contingencyof hipster nerds
that is threateningour very lifestyle.
They don't appreciate thingsthe way that we do.
Like, hipsters don't like thingsbecause they're awesome.
Like, if I weara Captain Picard shirt,
it's 'cause I want somemother[bleep] to make it so.
Like, I am being literal.
You know? But if a hipsterwears one he's like,
"Hey look, this is Star Trek. Whatever."
Like, they don't--
They don't appreciate thingsfor being awesome.
Like, I honestly think hipsterseat with their assholes
because they consumeeverything wrong.
[cheers and applause]
By the way, hipsters,
please don't work inthe service industries, please?
You don't wanna serve us.
We don't wannabe served by you.
It's perfect,you behind the counter
with your dumb curly-Q mustacheup on your lip
in and off itselflike a shrug like,
"Nah, I don't wanna be onthis guy's [bleep] face either.
But I can't cut myself off."
But nerds have changed.
Like, there aredangerous nerds now.
When I was growing up,
you were not dangerous.
You just hid from people.
But now nerds attack.They're violent.
A couple years ago,
there was a stabbingat Comic-Con in San Diego.
A stabbing over a chairat a Harry Potter panel,
the way it should be.
These two guyswere fighting over a chair.
So you're probablysitting there going,
"Oh, my God, Chris Hardwick,a stabbing at Comic-Con?
"Why, from that hallon the Comic-Con floor,
"there are vendorsselling broadswords
"and Klingon battle axes
"and maces and morning starsand war blades.
"Like, what possibly could havebeen the subject
of this stabbing?"
A mechanical pencil.
The nerd switchblade.
"That's my seat!"
"We'll seeabout that, [bleep]!"
Click, click, click, stab.
"Fear me,for I am The Architect.
"I shall draft theeinto oblivion.