Kyle Kinane - Family Fun Day

  • Season 15 , Ep 10
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 9,304

You have to have a whole story ready when you grab someone's kid and walk with it for a second. (2:41)

He's got his kids there and,uh, we're doin' a thing

and he says to me...

he's says, "Kyle, can youlook after my children?

I'm gonna go to the carto make the lunches.

See, can you lookafter my children?"

Oh... that's heavy.

That's kind of silly youask somebody to look after--

So, I, ya know, tookout my most fatherly,

and responsiblevoice I said,

"[deleted] yeah, I'llwatch your kids, man.

I'll do it-- Yeah."

So, I'm thin-- they're kids,they got tiny brains,

they're easily manipulated.

They should be fine.

But then, 'cause he'sa responsible dad,

before he left, heslathered them down

with this SPF 8000, uh, suntan lotion or what have ya...

To protect themfrom the sun.

Effectively turnin' theminto two bars of prison soap

I gotta try to holdonto at this pool

and he just leaves.

He leaves and now I got theselittle slippery bastards that--

Now, the three yearold just hits the deck,

just slides right intothe deep end of the pool...

promptly starts sinking.

I get-- I kinda get ahold on to one year old,

but he's like abuttered jelly bean.

That thing just squirtsright out the other way.

Now, I gotta start runnin'around this family fun center

lookin' for these kids andI gotta start grabbin' 'em

and I'm grabbin' kids andI'm tryin' to grab one

and compare 'imto another one

'cause I kinda remember whatthey look like, ya know?

[audience laughter]

And the thing is,I didn't real--

People are real territorialabout their kids.

I didn't know that.

You can't just grab one andwalk with it for a second.

People are like,"Is that your kid?"

It's like, "No--Piss off, man.

"I'm doin' a thing."

Ya know, you gottahave a whole story.

You gotta have a wholereason or whatever.

I don't know.

So, like,I start callin'--

Now my friend, his kids--He's a smart guy.

He named his kids-- Hegave 'em smart kids names.

Named them, uh-uh,Malcom and Archer.

Two smartkid names.

So, now I've gotta runaround looking for a Malcom

and an Archer.

I gotta start callin'out, Malcom and Archer.

Now, people in thispool are gettin' nervous--

rightfully so becausethis does not have two kids

named Malcom or Archer.

[audience laughter]

If I do havetwo kids,

I probably don't give a[deleted] what they're doin'

'cause I'm going tobe a negligent father.

That's a given.

And if I-- if I do have kidsand I'm callin' 'em off

by their names,by those ages,

I probably have nicknamesfor them already,

like Millertimeand The Boss Man,

or somethin', like that'swhat I'm going to do.

[applause]

So...

So, yeah-- So, I'mrunnin' around.

I'm tryin' togather 'em...

Uh, Malcom... Archer.

I'm callin' thesekid's names.

I'm lookin' around...I'm takin' other kids,

comparin' emto other kids.

And now, people aregetting real nervous.

Now-now-now,the lifeguard--

He's got the whistle in themouth on the ready, ya know?

Because they'restartin' to put together

that this is aTuesday afternoon

and anybody thatlooks like this

does not have legal custodyof children on a weekday.

[audience laughter]

This is-- this is everyother weekend at best.

I have lostprivileges.

For certain.

[applause]

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