- For February being over, am I right?
I'm kidding, I was trying to make a racist joke, you guys,
anybody, Key and Peele?
Um, are you guys ready for yourfinal comedian of the night,
Yeah, you are just thebest crowd of all time,
yes you are.
Coming to the stage, he's been on Comedy Central's
Live at Gotham,
he was a favorite at the Montreal comedy festival,
and that's it.
Give it up for Dan Soder.
- Keep it going forAmy Schumer, everybody,
one more time for Amy Schumer.
And keep it going for forced enthusiasm, everybody.
All right, I was trying to be a dick, but thanks.
I am 28 years old, which sucks.
But no one tells you that, no one does.
Like, people in their 30s and 40s complain.
And they should.
Because their lives are almost over.
28 sucks because 28 is the end of fun,
you can't have fun anymore at 28.
'Cause at 28, you and your fun friends stop partying
and start having addictions, that's what they call it.
Can't get drunk on a Monday without raising some eyebrows.
I'm trying to deal withthat, I'm trying to deal
with things that in my early 20s that used to make me cool,
now at 28, make people nervous.
I used to get drunkbefore class in college
and everyone's like "This guy is awesome.
"He's hammered before intro to roman lit."
Now, at 28, if I get drunk before work, everyone's like
"Hey, you cool, is everything all right?"
I'm like "Yeah, I'm still awesome."
"No, no you're not.
"You are almost homeless."
I look at homelesspeople differently now.
I used to look at homeless people and I'd think
"Man, the world is so cruel."
28, I look at homeless people, I'm like
"Man, that guy was probably so much fun five years ago.
"Just kept drinking, lost some teeth.
"Shit himself, now he sleeps on a sidewalk,
"that's how that happens."
I can't even enjoy house parties anymore, which sucks
'cause those used to be my favorite thing.
At 21, house parties are the greatest thing in the world.
Everyone's drinking out of red plastic cups like this one.
Everything's sticky for some reason.
You can pee outside, it's okay to pee outside.
House parties at 28 are just me stuck in the kitchen
talking to my friend's husband about his shortcut to work,
that's a party now.
I got invited to that.
Drinking boxed wine talking to some stranger I don't care.
Talking about a kid I'm never gonna meet.
I don't care about your kid,
I wear condoms, I'm responsible.
Telling me about everything.
Oh, he's walking now, oh, he should, that's what humans do.
Let's talk if he's not doing something.
Let's talk, be like "Yeah, my kid's eight,
"hasn't taken a shit in two years."
"And you're feeding him every day?
"This party got weird."
The upside to being 28 is that I'm officially retired
from dating girls 18 to 22.
Not having to fake enthusiasm or interest
as I talk to some 21 year old college student at the bar
about her trip to Europe last summer.
"Oh, you went to Spain.
"Then France, wow.
I don't, I don't, I don't give a shit.
They always get mad when they find out
that you haven't been to Europe.
They're like "You've never been to Italy?
"You've never been to Italy?
"You need to go to Italy, you need to go to Italy."
Yeah, I would, but I'm poor, all right.
It's not a choice that I'm making.
That just doesn't turn me on anymore,
I don't want that in my life anymore.
I'd rather try to bang a 47 year old mother of three
that can tell me what the Stones are like live,
like, that's what I want.
I want some stories.
A little history.
Maybe a mediocre handjob in your Astro van, I don't know.
Talk about your first divorce.
You got the kids and the house.
(makes mumbling noise)
If you guys are drinkingtonight, or any night,
and you're out, make sure that you tip.
Tip your waiters, tip your bar staff, tip everybody.
I'm not telling you how to live your life.
I'm just letting you know that waiting tables sucks.
It's a God-awful job.
I waited tables for four and a half years in Manhattan.
And I can honestly tellyou it is the closest,
the closest I've ever came to prostitution.
Just sauntering up to a table of four businessman like
"Are you boys thirsty?
"Can I bring you something to wet your whistle?"
No one wants me as their waiter,
I don't want me as my waiter.
I want some five foot four girl named Ashley who's like
"You wanna do shots?"
I'm like "Yeah."
you don't want me lumbering up to the table just like
"Are you hungry?"
Not anymore, lurch.
You just scared the shit out of me.
Why do you reek like well whiskey?
"'Cause it's delicious."
A lot of people don't have to wait tables.
I hate those people.
You gotta understand, man, I feel like it should be--
Like, in Israel, every citizen has to serve
two to three years inthe military, mandatory.
I feel like in the United States,
every citizen should have to serve
two to three years at Applebees
just to get their dick kicked in.
Just so you know, you start to hate people.
I waited on a lot of Europeans.
Now I think of myself as a veryopen-minded liberal, right?
Nope, four years of waiting tables, on the inside,
I'm like a redneck patriot now.
I hear that dumb European "Um, uh."
"Get out of this country!"
That's how I feel.
"Eh, um, Coke light?"
And by the way,Europeans, game's over.
We know you know how to tip, all right.
You've had Google for 15 years.
You foreskin wearing heathens, don't play that game.
That was gross, that wasgross that I said that.
It's weird, I started to hate other people.
Like, I feel like if themilitary wanted to help itself,
they should just put recruiters in restaurants
where Americans have to wait on foreigners.
So when some server who's on a double
gets dicked over by six Germans,
"I just wanna"
And then some guy's like "Son, son,
"you ever thought about a career change?
"What if I told you youcould get back at them?
"Just takes a few hitmen."
and the worst is I had to wait on businessmen, which sucks.
But it's not the businessmen that you think about.
It's not some old man that makes millions of dollars
and has gray hair.
I had to wait on like 22 and 23 year old business boys.
Just these semen-filled jackals.
Just frat boys with expense accounts
yelling across me from the restaurant
"Hey, big guy, hey, big guy.
"Can I get another diet Coke?"
"Kiss my ass, junior.
"I gotta take your shit
"'cause you graduated from U Penn in '09?
"I got HPV when you were in seventh grade.
"I was living life.
"I'll be right back with your diet Coke."
it's weird that you don't realize that,
but waiters hate you all the time.
Every waiter you had hates you.
I don't care how nice you are, just tip.
I could be waiting on a businessman
who doesn't make eye contact with me.
Curses at me for 40 minutes.
Masturbates on a picture of my family.
I don't know how he got the picture,
but it's laminated, sohe's gonna use it again.
He tips me 40%, he's agood dude, I don't know.
He's probably just going throughsome stuff at the office.
Originally, I am the product of a single parent.
Which obviously means single mom.
Who's bitching about being raised by a single dad?
How can you?
It looks great.
Playboys all over the house.
You get to eat waffles for dinner.
Watch rated R movies on a school night.
You're basically just like a mini wingman all the time,
that's all you are.
Your dad takes you out to some bar, he's like
"Do something cute so pops can get some strange."
You know what, man to man, I respect that.
I was raised by a single mom.
That made me a cock block in footsie pajamas,
that's what I was.
I took a lot of dick away from that lady in the 80s
and I feel bad.
It's the grossest sentence I've ever said in my life.
But it's honest.
It's a sincere apology.
In my defense, I didn'tknow what dating was,
I was five when my mom started dating.
Some guy would come over, I'd be like cool, a new roommate.
Don't touch my stuff.
By the time I was seven, I was like a grizzled war vet.
I was the one answering the door, smoking a Winston.
Just all confident, like what's up, chief.
You here for the old lady?
You buy me a ninja turtle toy,
I'll go out in the garage for an hour.
Get you some alone time.
She loves red wine.
I've always been a little too self aware, I think.
Like, whenever I listen to music, I always reflect.
I remember the first song that ever made me do that.
It was Michael Jackson'sMan in the Mirror.
I don't know why you'relaughing, it's a fantastic song.
Problem is, first time I heard that song,
I was five years old.
That's a weird age to be reflective.
Just sitting in the backyard watching the sun go down.
Get your shit together, kid.
You're half a decade old.
Can't go to sleep without a night light.
You don't even know yourown goddamn address.
Then my mom walks inthe backyard, she's like
"Dan, what are you doing?"
"What am I doing?
"What are we doing, Trish, huh?
"You're renting, why don't you pull your act together?"
All right thank you guys very much,
enjoy the rest of your night, goodbye.
- Get into it.
Dan Soder, what do you think?
Ladies and some dudes here.
You guys have been such an amazing crowd.
You guys, look under your seats, we got you all Kias.
That's not true, but you guys have been such a great crowd.
Thank you so much for coming out, have a great festival.