Ari Shaffir & Mat Edgar - Camping on Mushrooms - Uncensored

Psychedelia 02/24/2016 Views: 2,051

During a camping trip, Mat Edgar and Ari Shaffir did a bunch of drugs, tried to find the set of "M*A*S*H" and ran into some suspicious police officers. (16:13)

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- Guys, mushroomsand the abandoned "M.A.S.H."

[laughter]

I can't imagine a better thingto do on mushrooms.

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and tonight the topicis psychedelia.

[cheers and applause]

Please help me welcome to the stage

Mat Edgar and Ari Shaffir.

It was, like, three,four years ago, we all decided--

we found--somebody lookedin their freezer,

and they lookedin the back, like,

"Oh, I have, like,an ounce of mushrooms,"

and, like,"Well, let's do those..."

both: "Right now."

- So we're like,"Let's go camping,"

and, like, "Okay,"and we left at, like, 5:45 p.m.

to go toMalibu Creek State Park,

which took us, like, 3 1/2,4 hours to get there.

It was great, but then we'retrying to set this tent up...

- In the complete dark.- Yeah, by iPhone light.

And not the good iPhone,where you have the flashlight,

the fucking shitty iPhone 3,like an immigrant.

"Okay," just thefront-facing thing, you know?

- We're using the screen...

- Yeah, the screen?- On full brightness.

- No.

And it was hardto set this tent up.

By the way,as soon as we got there,

everybody jumps out of the vanwe're all in.

Everybody jumps out,and they all go,

"Mushrooms! Mushrooms!Mushrooms!"

And we're like,"No, tent, first tent.

- Set up the tent.- Yeah.

- We're gonna need the tentafter the mushrooms.

- Yeah,so we tried to set it up.

It was a big tent we had too.

- I mean, we're, like,climbing over each other,

sticking stakes--I had his Jew 'fro in my mouth,

like,three times.

That's what Jew 'frotastes like.

- Yeah, what does it taste like?- Money.

Stupid, stupid idiot.

- It's, like, a 20.

[laughter]

- That's a good bill.

- Yeah, I would have said 5,but that doesn't taste--

- Come on,that's insulting.

So we're trying to setthis tent up,

and we don't know how to do it.

We're fucking--it's difficult.

We're trying to get it--and by the way,

our one friend, Madonia,refuses to help.

- Oh, yeah.

He took the liberty of beingthe grinder of the mushrooms.

- Yeah, he was like,"You guys set the tent up.

I'll grind the mushrooms,so they're ready."

- It was like,"Don't break your back, Dan."

[laughter]

- Yeah, he was like,"I'm really good at grinding."

Like, what, doing this?

- This?

- Where'd you go to schoolfor that?

- It's a grinder.It's made to be simple.

- Yeah, we could just do itafterwards.

He's like, "Trust me.I'm really good."

I'm like, "All right,fucking idiot, don't help."

- That was a huge tent too.

- It was hard.It was hard.

- It was two-story.- It was not two stories.

It was a nice tent,but it was not two stories.

It was, like,an eight-person tent.

- It had a chimney.- It did not have a chimney.

Stop it.- It came with a receptionist.

- All right, it did not comewith a receptionist.

It was a nice seven-,eight-person tent,

but it was hard.

We couldn't set it up.

Our real problem was that it wasjust us there.

- There was no men.

- Yeah, there was no men.

- It was a bunch of dudes...

- Yeah.

- That never camp.

Finally, our buddy Marino'sgirlfriend was like,

"Just move out of the way."

- Yeah, she took care of it.

She was like,"You hold that pipe.

You hold that pipe.Just do it."

- She was like a foreman.

And in, like, five minutes,there it was.

- Yeah, all set up.- Perfectly.

- It was great then.Then we took the mushrooms.

- Yeah,took the mushrooms,

and for the next hour,there's that, like--

- Yeah, there's that moment of,like, "Has it kicked in yet?"

- "Did you feel anything?"- "I don't know.

"I think I might feel it.Do you feel it?

I don't know.I sort of feel it."

- "No, that was a fart."- "Oh, okay.

Maybe I feel it."

And then when they hit,like, 45 minutes in, an hour in,

they're just like this whoosh,and you're like, "Oh, yeah.

"Oh, I don't know what I wastalking about before.

- Yeah.- This is..."

- No question.

- "Yeah, this isfor sure it now."

- And that's how we--that's how we knew

the 'shrooms were working, waswhen we couldn't stop laughing

at how perfectlywe nailed the tent.

- Yes, it looked so good.

- Just like on the box.

- It looked just likeon the box.

- Like, I put the boxnext to the tent.

I was like,"Which one do I sleep in?"

- It's so good.It looked so good.

- The picture on the boxeven had a camper

sleeping in front of the tent,and our friend Luke

just so happened to pass outin front of the tent,

so it was, like,it even came with Luke.

- Look at that.- Like...

- Guys, we fucking nailed it.We nailed it.

And when mushrooms happen,as soon as it starts happening,

you start laughingat everything...

- Oh, crying, just--- First at tent.

Willie--our buddy Willie...

- Willie kept on guessingthe time.

He was so dialed in.

- No clock, no watch,none of that.

- Just, "11:58."

- And we'd be like,"What the fuck?

No fucking way!"

- "Thank you."- "How'd you do that?"

- A few minutes would go by,"12:13."

- "No way, man.Fuck!"

It would just happenover and over again.

Oh, man, good times.

By the way, that was as goodas it got for Willie.

- Oh, yeah.

- That was his pinnacle.

- Yeah.

- Mushrooms gives you good timesand bad times,

then good times again.

That was--he never hadthe good times again.

It was just there and then gone.

- I've never seen anybodywalk home from a camping trip.

[laughter]

Willie slept in his bedthat night.

[laughter]

I called him a few hours.

I was like,"Willie, where are you?"

He was like, "I'm freaking outin McDonald's, man."

He was like, "Yeah,everybody's looking at me."

"Like, because you're probablymaking a scene, Willie."

Like...

- Walking to McDonald's.We were gonna get him at first.

We're like, "Where are you?Where can we pick you up?"

He's like, "I'm at McDonald's."We're like, "Oh."

- We're like,"Oh, you're--you're fucked."

- "Yeah, we can't--we can't get you from there."

- And he's like,"Yeah, I think we need to go

our separate ways."

I was like,"Yeah, we definitely

can't get you right now."

"No, no, no, I mean, in life."

I was like,"Are you breaking up with me

on the phone?"

- He thought he was betterthan us.

- Earlier that day,he had signed a contract

to shoot a pilot for NBC,

so he's in McDonald's,and he's telling me, he's like--

he's like,"You know, like, lookit.

I'm a big-time TV writer now."

[laughter]

"And you're just taking drugsout in the wilderness.

Like, you're--you're a loser."

And I was like, "Willie, you'retripping balls in a McDonald's."

[laughter]

"You're not better than me."

- "You're not betterthan anybody, bro.

You ain't better than anybody."

- He's like,"I know, I know, I know.

"I just--I just don't wantto lose this, all right?

"I just--I've worked so hard.

"I finally got something.

"I just don't want to--hey, you.

"What are you looking at?

"Yeah, you.What the fuck you looking at?

I got to go."

"Willie?Willie?"

- "Hey, where is he?Where is he?"

He's like, "He won't answerthe phone anymore."

- Willie's in some shitwith some guy in McDonald's,

and there's nothing we could do.

- Anyway, whatever,but that was later.

So then earlier,here was the plan,

Malibu Creek State Park.

I don't know if you've everbeen there,

but tell them what it is.

- Oh, Malibu State Parkis where--

Malibu Creek State Parkis where they shot

the TV show "M.A.S.H."

So one of the noveltiesof camping here

is that you could take a trailand go see

the ruins of "M.A.S.H.";they left the whole set there.

- Yeah, they leftthe whole set there.

It's all there,which, guys,

mushroomsand the abandoned "M.A.S.H."

[laughter]

I can't imagine a better thingto do on mushrooms than go--

- I mean, the set of "M.A.S.H."is one thing.

It's, like, whatever,but then on mushrooms?

- Yeah, for sure.

- We're going.

- Yeah, by the way, just spoileralert: we never found it.

- Oh, we never made it, no.- We never got there.

He went, like, two years laterand found out it was, like,

15 minutes away from wherewe hiked--where we camped...

- It was right under our nose.

- But we could've neverfound it.

- And, you know.

- So we smoked this joint.

We were gonna, like,we took it all.

We were like, "Let's do it."We're all laughing.

We're like, "All right,it's time to go find 'M.A.S.H.'"

And then we smoked this joint.

Our friend Erik Marinohad this joint.

By the way, the dispensary ownerwho sold it to him

said it was really strong,and he was like, "Really?"

And the guy said,"This joint is named

The Joint that Will Kick Youin the Face."

[laughter]

And here's the deal.

If you're a stoner,and I know most of you are,

when somebody warns youabout the potency of weed,

it's just like, "Who the hellare you talking to, man?"

- How dare you?- Yeah, how dare you?

Like, if they give you, like,a cookie, like,

"Only take half of this,"it's like, "Fuck you.

"Now I'm taking three of them.

How dare you say you know me?"

[laughter]

- Those are fightin' words.- Yeah, exactly.

So we smoke this joint,and then we're like,

"Let's start walking," and--

- That's when we broke up.- Yeah.

Well, me, okay, I was inthe front of this, like, line.

It was me and, like, Erik--no,not Erik Marino,

Dan Madonia,and this guy Ryan Mirvis,

and we all start walking,and you just held back

with the rest of the people.

- Well, my buddy Marinostarted throwing up,

'cause the joint literallykicked him in his face, and...

- But it was a good--

- The guy that bought the jointthat initially laughed

in the face of the guythat sold it to him

was throwing up,because he coughed too hard.

- Yeah, but it wasa mushroom throw-up.

That's a good throw-up.It's not like a normal throw-up.

Mushroom throw-up is like...

[coughs and retches]

[laughing]

[retching and laughing]

So many shades of brown.

- The laughterbetween the heaves.

- Yeah, so we start--we were gone,

and we didn't even knowthey weren't even behind us.

We never looked back.

- Yeah, I went backto get Marino some water

and help him out, and that'swhen the cop showed up.

You've seen the flashlightin the dark.

You know that's only one thing.

Like...[imitates siren chirping]

The po-po here.

- What did you say, by the way,when the cop showed up?

What did you say?

- Oh, that's the beautiful thingabout mushrooms is that, like,

it takes away your filter.

Like,you're the most animalistic you

you would ever be.

So when he shined the lightat me

right in front of his face,I was like, "Uh-oh."

- That's the last thing you wantto say to a cop,

is the words "uh-oh."

No matter what you're doing,if any cop shows up,

you're like,"Oh, fuck, a cop,"

just don't say that.

- "Oh, no. You got me, Officer."- "Uh-oh."

Like, "Oh, I'm gonnasearch you now," like...

- That's probably why he askedif I was on drugs...

- Yeah, when you go, "Uh-oh."- Now that I look back on it.

- This guy was a dick,though.

That's what Marinoand all of them said.

That guy was, like,not fucking around.

- He was a dick.

He threw the whole, "You know,there's a jail

"about 20 miles away,and I don't mind driving there.

Do you guys wantto drive there?"

And I was like,"Well, no," like--

- Why are you in chargeright now?

Why are you the guytalking to him?

- Normally, I would never bethe guy to talk to the cops,

but, you know,Willie's freaking out

trying to figure outwhat time it is.

- Yeah.

He was still like,"Hello, Officer.

What are you doing hereat 1:17?"

[laughter]

And Mat's like,"Willie, not now. Not now."

The cop was like...

- "This isn't part of the trip,Willie."

- Yeah, Marino's barfing.

Becca's all huddled upin the corner.

- Yeah, I was just the guy.- Luke is still passed out.

- And at the time,I had a lot to lose,

because back then, my dadwas running for State Assembly.

[laughter]

So I just didn't want to fuck upthe whole campaign.

- By the way, I love how you sayyou have a lot to lose

because your dad is runningfor State Assembly.

- I'd never be ableto go back home.

- He's the one running;you're gonna fuck it up,

but you have the--it's so selfish.

[laughter]

- Well...

- "I'd be grounded."

He would fucking losehis whole career.

"I could've gotten grounded,you guys."

- That would--that would ruineverything for me.

- [laughs]

- So I had no choice but to stayin the pocket, you know?

Like, I had to stay focusedon what the cop was saying.

"Yes, no," you know.

He's like,"How old are you guys?"

Like, "Well, I'm 26.

"Willie just turned 26.

Becca's 23."

And he goes,"How old's that guy?"

Pointed to the guy--Marino throwing up.

I was like,"He's 40.

"What a loser,right, Officer?

Like, come on, Marino,there's a cop here."

- He knew it too.He was like...

[retching and laughing]

Sorry...[retching and laughing]

- So he's like,"There's no drugs here?"

And I was like, "Nope," and hewas like, "Well, what's that?"

And he shines his lighton our picnic table,

and one of Ari's grinders--I don't know if you've seen it--

it has, like, Ari'spsychedelic Jew face on it.

- Yeah, it's like grindersfor merch,

and it's got my face with, like,a third eye on it...

- A yarmulke made of mushrooms,like,

pretty much screams we'retaking drugs with this thing.

He said, "What's that?

And I was like,"It's a grinder."

He was like,"What's it for?

I'm thinkingthe lesser here.

I mean, I know that that's whatwe use to grind the 'shrooms in,

but usually, we use it for weed,so if I just say "weed,"

maybe that would be,you know--

- It's California.That's allowed. It's allowed.

- It's California,so I just let him have it.

I was like,"It's for marijuana."

And he's like,"Do you have your license?"

I was like, "Yep,"and he's like, "All right."

- He threatened to take themto jail if they didn't have

their fucking pot license.

- Yeah.- What a dick.

- Which is so--anybody could get their license.

- Yeah, it's so easy.

Everybody's gottheir pot card here, right?

[audience members cheer]both: Yeah.

- You go to a doctor,anything.

They don't give a fuck.

You can be like,"I had a cough once."

[laughter]

- I told a doctorthat I have anxiety,

and he's like, "Well,here's some more anxiety.

"Use this anxiety to drown outthe other anxiety, and..."

- It's the best system.- It's simple.

- It's the best.

I remember the first timeI bought legal weed

from that place Zenon Santa Monica and La Cienega,

and I bought it, and I had a bagof weed in my hand.

I was out there meetingmy friend,

and then I wentto the dispensary and had it,

and I was like,"Wow, I just bought legal weed."

But then right then,a cop pulled up with a light,

and I was like, "Oh, shit,"but then I was like, "No wait.

"This is legal; what I'm doingis legal in California.

I've done nothing wrong."

And then I started walkingtowards him,

and I looked in my other hand,

and that was just a bagof mushrooms,

and I was like, "Oh, fuck.What am I doing here?"

- "There's no medical mushrooms,son."

- No, there's nomedical mushrooms.

- So he was like,"Well, open the grinder."

And I just know...- Fuck.

- I'm looking at everybody.

This is where we get busted,guys; here we go.

So I do everything I can tostall reaching for the grinder

hoping that maybe he'll geta call, like,

"There's shots fired.You got to go."

And then you'd be like, "Oh!"Like, "Oh, sorry, Officer.

I couldn't get the grinder openfor you."

- By the way, at this point,as tense as it was for him,

me and the other two guysthat had walked away,

we were having a wonderful time.

- Yeah.

- It could not have beenmore fun.

We saw a deer.We saw a skunk.

That was a lot of fun.

Walked around in the woods,really enjoyed ourselves.

We even actually saw those cops.

As they came through the woodsthe first time,

they were like, Mirvis' dog,he was like, "Is it on a leash?

He goes, "Of course it is,Officer."

And we're like,"What are you guys doing here?"

They're like, "Oh, some peoplemaking noise."

We're like, "Well,you better shut them up,

"because it's all abouttranquility out here,

so fuck those assholes."

- "Make sure to check theirgrinders, Officer."

- We didn't knowthey were going to you.

- I got a feeling.

- We didn't knowthey were going to you guys.

- All right.

So I do everything I canto stall it.

I would, like, make small talkwith the cop, like,

"So how long you been a cop?

You know, I've always wantedto be a cop."

When I--when I was in high school,

and I'd get in troubleby the cops,

and they'd sit me on the curb,I would always--

my go-to move was talk about howI wanted to be cop

when I grew up,and it would make them be like,

"Yeah, you're just a dumb kid.

Get out of here."

It's worked a million times,

and I thought it would workat 26.

He's just like,"Just open the fucking grinder."

So I open itas slowly as possible,

and he shines his lightright in it,

and there's nothing there,completely empty.

Dan had grinded them upso well...

[laughter and applause]

That it turned into powder,

and he just tap, tap, tap,tap, tap.

- No, no, that's actually notwhat happened.

I talked to Dan later.

That's not it at all.

He's such a fucking junkiefor mushrooms

that he poured orange juiceinto the grinder

and then fucking sucked out,

so he'd get every last dropof the powder for himself,

so he could trip a lot harder.

- Took a shot of 'shrooms.- Yeah.

- So finally, the cop's like,"All right, everybody go to bed.

Too loud.Time to go to bed."

And we're like, "You got it."I mean, we're off the hook.

"Yeah, we'll go to bed.Fine, Officer."

So we start walking in,he walks by the tent,

and he shines his light on,and he's like, "Wait.

Hold on a second."

I'm like, "Oh, no.What now?"

And he leans overto his partner, and he goes,

"Nice tent."

"Right?"

- We nailed it, you guys.Mat Edgar, everybody.

Keep it going for Matty Edgar.

Good job, buddy.

[dark electronic music]