Rick Cleveland - Amsterdam

Rick Cleveland's My Buddy Bill Season 1, Ep 0101 02/07/2008 Views: 385

Rick smokes blonde Lebanese hash with Christopher Walken in an Amsterdam coffee shop. (4:47)

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AND BILL MAKES THIS10-MINUTE SPEECH

ABOUT THE COURAGE OF ANNE FRANK.AND THEY GIVE HIM THIS PLAQUE,

BILL AND CHRIS AND ISLIP OUT A DIFFERENT DOOR

AND GET INTO A DIFFERENT CARTHAN THE ONE WE CAME IN.

THIS ONE IS JUST A LITTLEUNMARKED FOREIGN JOBBY

AND AGENT POGUE IS DRIVING,THE PAPARAZZI ARE ALL WAITING

NEXT TO THE CAR WE CAME IN,BUT WE FOOLED THEM.

AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,WE'RE PULLING UP OUTSIDE

A LITTLE BISTROCALLED THE BULL DOG.

SO WE GO INSIDE,ME, BILL AND CHRIS

AND WE ORDER COFFEE.JUST PLAIN COFFEE,

WHICH I DON'T EVEN DRINK,BUT THIS TIME I DO.

[LAUGHTER]

BY THIS POINT, YOU WOULD THINKPEOPLE WOULD BE LOOKING AT US.

NOT AT ME,BUT AT BILL AND CHRIS,AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

HALF OF THEM ARE,BUT THE OTHER HALF AREN'T.

AND THAT'S BECAUSETHEY'RE TOTALLY BAKED.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE SIT THERE AND DRINK COFFEEAND EAT EGG SALAD SANDWICHES.

AND AFTER A WHILE,BILL EXCUSES HIMSELF

AND GOES TO THE RESTROOM.AND THE SECOND HE'S GONE,

CHRIS PULLS OUT A LITTLEROLLED CIGARETTE, A JOINT,

I HAVE NO IDEAWHEN OR WHERE HE GOT IT.BUT HE LIGHTS IT

AND THEN HE TAKES A HIT,AND THEN HE HANDS IT TO ME

AND I TAKE A HIT,A NICE LONG HIT, AND I THINK,

"THIS STUFF DOESN'T TASTE LIKEANY POT I'VE EVER HAD BEFORE.

IT TASTES DIFFERENT, LIKE"...

AND THAT'S WHEN CHRIS GOES,"BLONDE LEBANESE HASH."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE PASS IT BACK AND FORTHA COUPLE MORE TIMES

AND THEN CHRIS TURNS AROUNDAND HANDS IT TO A TABLEFULL OF GIRLS IN THEIR 20s.

AND JUST BEFORE BILL GETS BACK,CHRIS PUTS HIS FINGERS

TO HIS LIPS LIKE"THIS WILL BE OUR SECRET."I THINK, "WOW.

I HAVE A SECRETWITH CHRISTOPHER WALKEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BILL SITS BACK DOWN AND NOWI'M HOPING HE DOESN'T NOTICE

THE CLOUD OF HASH SMOKEHOVERING ABOVE OUR HEADS.

BILL CHECKS OUT THE TABLEFULL OF GIRLS SMOKING THE JOINT

THAT CHRIS JUST GAVE THEM,AND THEY ARE DEFINITELY

CHECKING US OUT IN RETURN.

BILL LOOKS AT THEM AND SMILES.AND I AM SO STONED.

AND SUDDENLY,BILL LOOKS KIND OF DEPRESSED.

HE TURNS TO MEAND CHRIS AND GOES,

"DO YOU GUYSTHINK I LOOK FAT?"

AND CHRIS AND I BOTH GO,"NO, NO WAY." AFTER THAT,

CHRIS AND I ORDER MOREEGG SALAD SANDWICHES

AND FRENCH FRIES WITH MAYO ANDTWO PIECES OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.

AND WE EAT EVERY LAST BITE OFEVERYTHING WITH MORE COFFEE.

AND THAT'S WHEN BILLSTARTS TALKING ABOUT MONICA.

[LAUGHTER AND OOH'S]

HE GRABS A HANDFULOF MY FRIES AND SAYS,

"I KNOW I COULD'VE DONE BETTER."AND CHRIS SAYS,

- "YOU COULD'VE HAD SHARON."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I SAY, "SHARON WHO?"AND CHRIS GOES, "SHARON STONE."

AND I GO, "REALLY?"AND BILL SAYS, "YEAH,

"I COULD'VE,BUT I BLEW IT.

"SHE CAME TO THEWHITE HOUSE ONE NIGHT,

BUT HILLARY KEPTWATCHING ME LIKE A HAWK."

[LAUGHTER]

BILL LOOKS EVEN MORE DEPRESSEDAND SAYS,

"NO MAN WILL EVERBRING OUT OF THE PRESIDENCY,

THE REPUTATIONWHICH CARRIES HIM INTO IT."

AND THEN HE LOOKS ATME AND CHRIS AND GOES,

"DO YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?"AND I THINK,

- "YOU DID, JUST NOW."- [LAUGHTER]

BUT HE GOES,"THOMAS JEFFERSON."

THE NEXT DAY,WE FLY BACK TO LONDON

AND I GET DROPPED OFF FIRST.NOBODY SAYS A WORD ABOUT

THE BULL DOGOR THE BLONDE LEBANESE HASH.

JUST LIKE THAT,THE TRIP IS OVER.

IT'S LIKE THE WHOLE THINGNEVER HAPPENED.

IT'S LIKE MAYBEI JUST DREAMED IT.

BUT I STILL HAVEMY ADMISSION STUB TOTHE ANNE FRANK HOUSE.

AND THE BOX OF WOODEN MATCHESFROM THE BULL DOG,

AND THE UKULELE FROMGEORGE HARRISON'S PLANE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT SOMEHOW, ACCIDENTALLY,FELL INTO MY DUFFEL BAG.