Jeff Ross - Heinous

Jeff Ross Season 1, Ep 1 07/17/1996 Views: 3,351

Jeffrey Ross' blind date wasn't as tall nor as pretty as Dr. Ruth. (2:26)

I don't have any more jokes.


( laughter )

It's hard being a comedian.

A lot of pressure being a

comedian sometimes.

It really is.

I was dating this girl once for

a few weeks, right, and the

first time she saw my penis she

said, "Is everything a joke with


( laughter )

How do you think I feel?

I'm hung like a hangnail.

They call me the Cashew Jew.

( laughter )

I used to go out with a girl who

worked for a record company.

That's a really hip job.

After our first date she sent me

a whole bunch of new CDs in the


Now I just have to take her out

three more times in the next

five years.

( laughter )

I once went on a blind date.

Anybody ever do that?

It's the weirdest thing in the

world, man.

My grandfather fixed me up on a

blind date.

I'm no prize, okay?

That's not the funny part.

( laughter )

But I picked this girl up--


That was her name, Heinous.

( laughter )

You should see her sister,


I get to her building, right,

she opens the door, I took one

look, I did, like, a Buckwheat,

you know?

( laughter )

She looked like Dr. Ruth.

But not as tall and pretty as

Dr. Ruth.

( laughter )

Picture Rush Limbaugh with long,

blonde, curly hair.

( laughter )

And I'm trying to be nice, make


I'm like, "So Heinous...

( laughter )

...I was just admiring that

infected stye."

She had a mole right here with

hair growing out of it talking

to me the whole time, you know?

( screaming )

I don't even know her.

She's crazy, too.

Her personality is worse than

her appearance.

We're in the middle of the

restaurant, she stands up, she

starts wigging out, right?

She's like, "You don't like me.

You don't respect me."

I'm like, "I don't know you.

Sit down," right?

She's like, "You don't like me,

just because you heard... you

found out I tried to kill myself

once a month for the last three

and a half years.

Well, I'm over it.

I'm better.

What do you think of me now?"

"Nobody likes a quitter."