Nick Swardson - You Had to Be There

  • Season 4 , Ep 6
  • 01/07/2001
  • Views: 17,390

Nick always tells "you had to be there" stories. (3:01)

WHOO!

YEAH!

HELLO, UNITED STATES!

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

HUH?

OH, HURRAY.

MY NAME IS NICK.

I STAND UP AND DO COMEDY

AT THE SAME TIME.

UM, AND IT'S WEIRD THAT I AM A

COMIC 'CAUSE I'M NOT A VERY GOOD

STORYTELLER LIKE IN MY NORMAL

LIFE.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I ALWAYS TELL LIKE

YOU-HAD-TO-BE-THERE STORIES

ALL THE TIME.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IT'S A BAD

STORY UNTIL I'M LIKE HALFWAY

THROUGH TELLING IT.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE TELLING A

BAD STORY, LIKE "YEAH, AND

THEN..."

AND IN YOUR HEAD YOU'RE LIKE

"THIS STORY'S BAD."

BUT YOU JUST KEEP TELLING IT.

LIKE I DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

SO THEN WHAT I TRY TO DO TO TRY

TO SAVE THE STORY IS, I LIKE,

I EMBELLISH IT AT THE END TO

MAKE IT A GOOD STORY.

BUT I DO IT TOO MUCH SO IT'S NOT

BELIEVABLE.

YOU KNOW?

I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE

SATURDAY.

YEAH.

ME AND STEVE ARE AT THE BAR.

WE WERE SO HAMMERED.

THIS GUY CAME UP, AND HE WAS

REALLY DRUNK.

AND HE WAS LIKE, 'HEY, DO YOU

KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE?'

AND STEVE IS LIKE 'NO.'

HA, HA, HA.

HA, HA, HA.

AND SO-- SO THE GUY MADE THIS

FACE AT STEVE, THIS REALLY WEIRD

FACE.

SO STEVE (BLEEP) STABBED HIM."

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE LIKE "WHAT?

STEVE STABBED SOMEBODY?"

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO WITH IT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH.

I'VE KNOWN THAT GUY MY WHOLE

LIFE.

HE'S MESSED UP, MAN.

I'M SERIOUS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DRINK WITH

THAT GUY, MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I HOPE I DON'T GET STABBED.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT.

THAT-- I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF

THAT.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I DON'T CARE IF I GO

THROUGH LIFE AND I DON'T HELP A

LOT OF PEOPLE OR SAVE A MILLION

LIVES.

I JUST-- I JUST DON'T WANT TO

GET STABBED.

YOU KNOW?

IF I CAN GET THROUGH LIFE

WITHOUT GETTING STABBED, I WIN.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

YOU KNOW?

IT JUST SEEMS SO HORRIBLE.

IT'S NOT LIKE GETTING SHOT.

WHEN YOU GET SHOT, IT'S LIKE

YOU DON'T SEE THE BULLET GOING

IN.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE JUST LIKE "OH, HI."--

BANG!-- "OH, WHOA.

I JUST GOT SHOT."

YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU GET STABBED,

YOU'RE THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?

WHOA!

OH!

OH!

OH!

OH, MY GOD!

I JUST GOT STABBED!

SOMEBODY JUST STABBED ME!

IT'S COMING BACK!

OH!

OH!"

IT'S LIKE "OH!"

NO THANK YOU TO THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT TO AVOID THAT WHOLE

PROCESS.

DON'T EVEN HAND ME ANYTHING LIKE

THAT, LIKE "HERE'S YOUR DRINK."

"NO. KEEP THAT AWAY."

I'M NOT, LIKE, REALLY WORRIED

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