Drew Fraser - Doo-Doo

  • Season 9 , Ep 9
  • 03/31/2005
  • Views: 1,751

Before you leave the house, always remember to take a doo-doo. (3:58)

TOO MUCH, MAN.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY WE LIVE

IN.

I'M VERY, VERY HAPPY TO BE

A PART OF THIS COUNTRY AMERICA.

YEAH.

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT UNFORTUNATELY LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, THIS COUNTRY DOES DO

SOME BAD THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.

AND YET WHEN THOSE BAD THINGS

HAPPEN, THAT'S WHEN THEY WANT

TO GROUP US ALL TOGETHER.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

BEFORE 9/11 WE WERE ALL

SEPARATE.

AND WE'RE BLACK PEOPLE, ASIANS,

LATINOS, WHATEVER.

NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE ALL

AMERICANS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL US.

AS SOON AS THEY COME ON THE TV,

"WELL, THEY'RE AFTER US!

THEY'RE AFTER US!"

NO, THEY AFTER Y'ALL!"

[LAUGHTER]

THEY BLEW THE WORLD TRADE CENTER

UP AT 8:45, THEY KNEW DAMN WELL

[BLEEP] WEREN'T COMING TO WORK

TILL 9:15, 10:30, 10:45, 2:00.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

HELL, SOME OF US WENT TO WORK

THE NEXT DAY LOOKING FOR THE

BUILDINGS.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WHAT...?

DID THEY MOVE?

WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUILDING'S

AT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I KNOW ONE THING THEY BETTER

HAVE MY CHECK.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

THEY BETTER HAVE MY CHECK.

I DID 72 HOURS LAST WEEK.

THEY BETTER HAVE MY CHECK.

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT MY CHECK.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT

HAPPENS-- YOU KNOW-- YOU WANT--

YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CONCERNED.

YOU WANT TO BE-- WELL WHAT?

MY GOD, THEY BLEW UP THE WORLD

TRADE CENTER, YOU KIDDING ME?

1,000 PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

OH MY GOD, WHAT THE--

OH.

[LAUGHTER]

PAYROLL, WHAT'S--

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH PAYROLL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE-- THE GUY WITH THE CHECKS...

THE GUY WITH THE CHECKS,

DID THEY FIND HIM?

DID THEY FIND THE CHECKS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOTHING ABOUT PAYROLL?

[LAUGHTER]

HIS NAME IS BOB.

BOB.

HE HAS THE CHECKS ON THURSDAY

MORNING.

YOU DON'T HAVE NOTHING ABOUT--

NOTHING ABOUT THE CHECKS AT ALL?

[LAUGHTER]

HAAA!

THAT'S WHY I SAY THANK GOD

FOR MY PARENTS.

THANK GOD FOR MY PARENTS.

GAVE ME A LOT OF GREAT ADVICE.

ONE GOOD PIECE OF ADVICE

MY PARENT'S GAVE ME WHEN I WAS

GROWING UP WAS "ALWAYS DOO DOO

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE".

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS SOME OF THE REASON WHY

SOME OF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING

TOO LOUD RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, LEFT YOUR HOUSE

WITHOUT TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.

YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR CHAIRS

RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR BUTT CHEEKS

ALL CLENCHED UP TIGHT.

TRYING TO HOLD THE DOO DOO IN.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW IF YOU LAUGH

TOO LOUD, "AHH AHHHAHHA

PBLLLBHBT."

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOW RULE

NUMBER ONE IS YOU NEVER WANT

TO GET CAUGHT DOO DOOING IN THE

PUBLIC RESTROOM.

SOMETIMES YOUR STOMACH STARTS

BUBBLING UP.

YOU'RE OUT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, I CAN'T

MAKE IT HOME."

"I GOT TO GO."

NOW IS IT ME OR WHEN YOU GO

TO THE BATHROOM AND TAKE CARE OF

BUSINESS, NOBODY IN THERE.

BUT AS SOON AS YOU SIT ON

THAT TOILET THAT'S WHEN

EVERYBODY COMES RUSHING THE HELL

IN.

SO NOW YOU'RE ON THE TOILET

TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF THE

NUMBER TWO.

PEOPLE ARE COMING AND YOU'RE

LOOKING THROUGH THAT LITTLE

CRACK IN THE DOOR TO SEE WHO

THE HELL THEY'RE COME IN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW YOU DONE STUNK UP THE WHOLE

BATHROOM.

PEOPLE ARE COMING IN LIKE, "WHO

THE HELL DONE DIED IN HERE?!

SOMEBODY ATE A RAT.

WHO IS IN HERE?"

NOW YOU DUCK DOWN LIKE--

"DAMN I HOPE THEY LEAVE SO I CAN

GET THE HELL ON OUT OF HERE."

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THAT--

WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM

JUST TO WASH YOUR HANDS WHILE

SOMEBODY WAS IN THERE BEFORE YOU

AND THEY BLEW THE WHOLE BATHROOM

UP.

SUDDENLY YOU COME IN THERE

WASHING YOUR HANDS LIKE, "OOH,

WHO THE HELL WAS IN HERE BEFORE

ME?"

SOMEBODY GONNA COME OPEN THE

DOOR.

SMELL THE SMELL.

THEN LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU DID

IT.

NOW YOU GOTTA RUN BEHIND THEM

AND TRY TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

"HOLD ON, IT WASN'T ME.

WASN'T ME.

SOMEBODY ELSE WAS IN THERE.

THEY HAD ON BLACK SHOES.

I SAW THEIR SHOES.

I SAW THE SHOES."

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

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