THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU REALLY WANNA GET IN HERE
YOU'LL KNOW THAT I LOVE
COMMERCE, THE INTERACTION
BETWEEN THE CUSTOMERS AND THE
EMPLOYEE.
NEW PRODUCTS CAN'T GET ENOUGH
OF IT.
DO YOU COMPLAIN SIR?
DO YOU COMPLAIN WHEN YOU'RE AT
A STORE?
DO YOU COMPLAIN WHEN YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU BEEN WRONGED?
YOU REALLY DO?
LIKE I DO.
I PICK MY MOMENTS THOUGH, RIGHT?
I WAS IN A PLACE THE OTHER DAY
AND IT'S A POPULAR FAST FOOD
CHAIN.
RIGHT THAT I WON'T MENTION THE
NAME.
BUT I'M IN THERE AT THE BUSY
LUNCH HOUR.
AND I COULD IMMEDIATELY TELL I
WASN'T DEALING WITH THEIR BEST
AND BRIGHTEST.
THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE
INDIANA CREW WITH THE AA
DEGREES THAT THEY SEND OFF TO
THE CONVENTIONS.
NO.
THIS IS THE ANY BIG INNER CITY
BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.
AND I COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY
'CAUSE THEY HAVE A LONG LINE
FRUSTRATED CUSTOMERS AT THE
LUNCH HOUR.
THEN THEY'VE GOT THE SHORT
CHUBBY BEARDED LADY, YOU KNOW,
WORKING THE COUNTER WITH THE
UNINTENTIONAL PEACH FUZZ BEARD
BUILT OVER A LONG PERIOD OF
TIME.
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "SHAVE IT.
DO SOMETHING."
[LAUGHTER]
SHOULDN'T A GUARDIAN STEP IN
WITH A BIC AT SOME POINT AND
SHAVE YOUR MONKEY-ASS DOWN,
RIGHT?
I MEAN BUT NO, SHE'S STARING
AT ME UNCONTROLLABLY, GIVEN ME
THE CREEPS.
WIPING DOWN THE TOWEL, YOU KNOW,
THEIR DIRTY TOWEL STARING AT ME
ALL NONSTOP RIGHT, MAKING ME
LOSE MY APPETITE AS I GRADUALLY
PASS THROUGH THE LINE TO THE
POINT WHERE I WANNA GET UP TO
THE FRONT, "YES.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU SIR?"
"NOTHING FOR ME PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE A PASS ON
THIS ONE.
I'D LIKE TO USE MY PASS HERE.
I'VE HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK
AT YOUR ESTABLISHMENT AND THIS
LONG-ASS LINE YOU HAVE.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A PASS
BECAUSE I DID NOTICE.
I LOOKED IN THE BACK AND I SAW
THEY'VE GOT ALL THE HISPANICS
BACK THERE IN THE KITCHEN
WORKING WITH THEIR ENGLISH
DIFFICULTIES AND ATTITUDE
PROBLEMS.
AND NOBODY TENSE UP BECAUSE I'M
MEXICAN SO IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO
NOTICE AND MENTION THAT, RIGHT?
AND THEN I SEE THAT THERE'S
A BLOODSHOT, SEMI-RETIRED DRUNK
WITH THE HEADSET TRYING TO HOLD
THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER,
SO THERE'S BOUND TO BE PROBLEMS
NOW.
I GET MY CHICKEN CLUB SANDWICH
AND EVERYTHING SEEMS COOL
BUT THE GUY BEHIND ME WHO USES
NO PLURALS WHATSOEVER DECIDES
HE'S GOT A PROBLEM SO HE CALLS
OVER TO THE MANAGER AND HE
STARTS TO BE A DICK.
HE'S LIKE "I ORDERED CHICKEN
FINGER, 99 CENT FINGER.
SHOULD BE FIVE FINGER, BUT I
JUST GOT THESE TWO HUGE FINGER
STUCK TOGETHER LIKE TWO FINGER
HUMPING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
AND THIS IS NOT THE WAY I LIKE
MY FINGER!
THIS IS NOT THE WAY I LIKE
MY FINGER!
I DON'T WANT--
I WANT FIVE SEPARATE DELICIOUS
FINGER.
NOT THESE TEENAGE, MUTANT,
WANNA BE FINGER HUMPING."
RIGHT?
AND HE KEEPS GOING AND GOING
AND GOING.
AND THAT'S WHEN THE MANAGER DID
SOMETHING REALLY COOL.
INSTEAD OF OFFERING THE GUY A
99-CENT DISCOUNT BURGER COUPON
THEY HAVE BEHIND THE COUNTER FOR
SPECIAL DICKS, RIGHT, OR A SMACK
ACROSS THE FACE AND TELL HIM TO
GET THE HELL OUT.
HE JUST WENT LIKE THIS.
HE HAD A LITTLE BREAKDOWN.
HE WENT, "HA-HA-HA-HA."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AS IF TO SAY, "WHAT DO YOU
REALLY EXPECT, MAN?
YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T GET A
BIG TRAY OF LOOSE FRIES OR A
POCAHONTAS TOY FROM SEVEN YEARS
AGO AND I'M LUCKY THESE PEOPLE
SHOW UP EVERY MORNING.
NOW MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND MORE
THAN 99 CENTS ON YOUR LUNCH
IF YOU WANNA HAVE SOME INPUT IN
HOW IT'S PREPARED, DICKFACE."
THAT'S WHAT IT SAID TO ME.
AND WHAT IT SHOULD SAY TO
YOU PEOPLE IS YOU FIND YOURSELF
IN AN ENVIRONMENT LIKE THAT
WHERE YOU'RE SPENDING LESS THAN
$5 ON ANYTHING YOU GOTTA
REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE THERE
IN THE BACK AREN'T THINKING
ABOUT YOUR PURCHASES.
THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT
WHO THEY'RE GONNA KNIFE
IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER WORK
OR IF CHEATERS IS GONNA BE ON
WHEN THEY GET HOME.
SO YOU JUST NEED TO WALK AWAY.
WALK AWAY.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]