Al Madrigal - Ugly Food

  • Season 9 , Ep 21
  • 06/30/2005
  • Views: 8,059

Fast food employees can make you lose your appetite. (3:22)

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU REALLY WANNA GET IN HERE

YOU'LL KNOW THAT I LOVE

COMMERCE, THE INTERACTION

BETWEEN THE CUSTOMERS AND THE

EMPLOYEE.

NEW PRODUCTS CAN'T GET ENOUGH

OF IT.

DO YOU COMPLAIN SIR?

DO YOU COMPLAIN WHEN YOU'RE AT

A STORE?

DO YOU COMPLAIN WHEN YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU BEEN WRONGED?

YOU REALLY DO?

LIKE I DO.

I PICK MY MOMENTS THOUGH, RIGHT?

I WAS IN A PLACE THE OTHER DAY

AND IT'S A POPULAR FAST FOOD

CHAIN.

RIGHT THAT I WON'T MENTION THE

NAME.

BUT I'M IN THERE AT THE BUSY

LUNCH HOUR.

AND I COULD IMMEDIATELY TELL I

WASN'T DEALING WITH THEIR BEST

AND BRIGHTEST.

THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE

INDIANA CREW WITH THE AA

DEGREES THAT THEY SEND OFF TO

THE CONVENTIONS.

NO.

THIS IS THE ANY BIG INNER CITY

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.

AND I COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY

'CAUSE THEY HAVE A LONG LINE

FRUSTRATED CUSTOMERS AT THE

LUNCH HOUR.

THEN THEY'VE GOT THE SHORT

CHUBBY BEARDED LADY, YOU KNOW,

WORKING THE COUNTER WITH THE

UNINTENTIONAL PEACH FUZZ BEARD

BUILT OVER A LONG PERIOD OF

TIME.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "SHAVE IT.

DO SOMETHING."

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULDN'T A GUARDIAN STEP IN

WITH A BIC AT SOME POINT AND

SHAVE YOUR MONKEY-ASS DOWN,

RIGHT?

I MEAN BUT NO, SHE'S STARING

AT ME UNCONTROLLABLY, GIVEN ME

THE CREEPS.

WIPING DOWN THE TOWEL, YOU KNOW,

THEIR DIRTY TOWEL STARING AT ME

ALL NONSTOP RIGHT, MAKING ME

LOSE MY APPETITE AS I GRADUALLY

PASS THROUGH THE LINE TO THE

POINT WHERE I WANNA GET UP TO

THE FRONT, "YES.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU SIR?"

"NOTHING FOR ME PLEASE.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE A PASS ON

THIS ONE.

I'D LIKE TO USE MY PASS HERE.

I'VE HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK

AT YOUR ESTABLISHMENT AND THIS

LONG-ASS LINE YOU HAVE.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A PASS

BECAUSE I DID NOTICE.

I LOOKED IN THE BACK AND I SAW

THEY'VE GOT ALL THE HISPANICS

BACK THERE IN THE KITCHEN

WORKING WITH THEIR ENGLISH

DIFFICULTIES AND ATTITUDE

PROBLEMS.

AND NOBODY TENSE UP BECAUSE I'M

MEXICAN SO IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO

NOTICE AND MENTION THAT, RIGHT?

AND THEN I SEE THAT THERE'S

A BLOODSHOT, SEMI-RETIRED DRUNK

WITH THE HEADSET TRYING TO HOLD

THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER,

SO THERE'S BOUND TO BE PROBLEMS

NOW.

I GET MY CHICKEN CLUB SANDWICH

AND EVERYTHING SEEMS COOL

BUT THE GUY BEHIND ME WHO USES

NO PLURALS WHATSOEVER DECIDES

HE'S GOT A PROBLEM SO HE CALLS

OVER TO THE MANAGER AND HE

STARTS TO BE A DICK.

HE'S LIKE "I ORDERED CHICKEN

FINGER, 99 CENT FINGER.

SHOULD BE FIVE FINGER, BUT I

JUST GOT THESE TWO HUGE FINGER

STUCK TOGETHER LIKE TWO FINGER

HUMPING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

AND THIS IS NOT THE WAY I LIKE

MY FINGER!

THIS IS NOT THE WAY I LIKE

MY FINGER!

I DON'T WANT--

I WANT FIVE SEPARATE DELICIOUS

FINGER.

NOT THESE TEENAGE, MUTANT,

WANNA BE FINGER HUMPING."

RIGHT?

AND HE KEEPS GOING AND GOING

AND GOING.

AND THAT'S WHEN THE MANAGER DID

SOMETHING REALLY COOL.

INSTEAD OF OFFERING THE GUY A

99-CENT DISCOUNT BURGER COUPON

THEY HAVE BEHIND THE COUNTER FOR

SPECIAL DICKS, RIGHT, OR A SMACK

ACROSS THE FACE AND TELL HIM TO

GET THE HELL OUT.

HE JUST WENT LIKE THIS.

HE HAD A LITTLE BREAKDOWN.

HE WENT, "HA-HA-HA-HA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AS IF TO SAY, "WHAT DO YOU

REALLY EXPECT, MAN?

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DIDN'T GET A

BIG TRAY OF LOOSE FRIES OR A

POCAHONTAS TOY FROM SEVEN YEARS

AGO AND I'M LUCKY THESE PEOPLE

SHOW UP EVERY MORNING.

NOW MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND MORE

THAN 99 CENTS ON YOUR LUNCH

IF YOU WANNA HAVE SOME INPUT IN

HOW IT'S PREPARED, DICKFACE."

THAT'S WHAT IT SAID TO ME.

AND WHAT IT SHOULD SAY TO

YOU PEOPLE IS YOU FIND YOURSELF

IN AN ENVIRONMENT LIKE THAT

WHERE YOU'RE SPENDING LESS THAN

$5 ON ANYTHING YOU GOTTA

REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE THERE

IN THE BACK AREN'T THINKING

ABOUT YOUR PURCHASES.

THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT

WHO THEY'RE GONNA KNIFE

IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER WORK

OR IF CHEATERS IS GONNA BE ON

WHEN THEY GET HOME.

SO YOU JUST NEED TO WALK AWAY.

WALK AWAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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