Pete Carboni - Mushrooms on a Monday - Uncensored

Friendship 03/19/2015 Views: 1,649

Pete Carboni explains how taking drugs with Ari Shaffir led to him reconciling with his horrible ex-girlfriend. (8:45)

He owned up to it.

He goes,"I've been a bad friend.

"I've been distant,and I'm sorry.

"And I want tomake it up to you.

"So I got some mushrooms,

"and I thinkwe should do these mushrooms

to rekindleour friendship."

[exciting music]

[cheers and applause]

(Ari)Thank you.

On this show,here's what happens.

It's just a bunch of comicstelling true stories,

and that's all it is.

And to tell youwhat happened to Pete Carboni,

ladies and gentlemen,his side of the story,

Mr. Pete Carboni,everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

So it was about halfwaythrough the trailer...

[laughter]

To the movie Bruno

that I startedto feel sadder

than I've ever feltin my life before.

I think what wasgoing through my mind is,

I was laughingat the trailer.

I found it really funny,and I was like,

"Yeah, this guy Sacha BaronCohen's a really funny dude.

He's doing really wellin his career," you know?

And then I started to thinkof my own career as a comedian,

and I started to geta little bit sad.

And that thought justspiraled me

and propelled meout of that room.

I had that feelingthat you have,

like, right before you're aboutto cry hysterically.

I mean, am I right, fellas?Yeah?

And I was in a dark placein my life.

I'd just gotten out of thison-again, off-again

embattled relationshipwith this girl Kelly.

And Kelly would usethe off-again portion

of our relationship

to have sexwith some of my friends.

Yes, and this wouldoften inspire me

to take her back again,you know,

to stop thatfrom happening,

which would make usmore embattled, you know?

Which would make mebreak up with her.

The whole thing--it's whatan economist might call

a vicious cycle.

So I--like, I got to getout of here.

I'm just notin a good place.

So I jump into a cab,and I say, "551 Sawtelle,"

'cause that'swhere I lived,

and the guy must havemisheard me.

So he turned around,

and he was like,"Uh, which hotel?"

And normally,

I think I would be able toresolve this misunderstanding.

But in the condition I was in,all I could think to do was,

I pointed in the directionof my apartment,

and I just was like, "Go!

Please, just go!"

And so the guy just startsdriving in that direction,

and I'm like,"Okay, I'm on my way home,"

and then we gotto a stop sign.

And it's a weird thing.

When you're on mushrooms,

it messes with your senseof time, you know?

So it felt like I was at thisstop sign for, like, a year.

It felt awful.

And so I couldn't help my--and I just start going,

"Go!Please!

Please go!Just go!"

And then the guywould drive faster,

and then he'd getto the next stoplight sooner.

And then I'd yell "go" again.

I mean, this is anothervicious cycle

I found myself in.

Until finally,I felt so bad.

I felt like--"Geez, I'm"--I'm like,

"This guy's, like,a working-class guy.

He's doing his jobto support his family."

I'm likethis degenerate.

I'm doing mushroomson a Monday morning.

So I got out of the cab.I told him to stop, got out.

And I gave him 100 bucks.

And then I turned,and I just started running.

And I was running downBundy Avenue,

which if you don't know isbasically a four-lane highway.

And it's probably too bigof a street to be running down,

dressed like this,

as fast as you can

while you're cryinghysterically,

because people startedslowing down on the road

to check me out,you know?

They're, like,"Yeah, I don't think that guy

is jogging."

So I start to feelreally self-conscious,

and as I'm running,I notice ahead of me

a hole, like,in a fence.

And so my instinct is just to gothrough this hole in the fence.

So I just jumped--I sort of slide through,

and I wind up in,like, this suburban backyard.

And there's some dudewho's, like,

reading a paperon his back porch

as I come inin my sad state.

And I was like, "I'm just...

I'm gonna trythe honesty approach."

I walk up to the guy.

I'm like,"Uh, excuse me, sir?

"I'm very sorry,but I'm feeling very sick.

Do you think that maybeyou could drive me home?"

And shockingly,this guy says yes.

I was like--and my mindwas blown that he said yes.

I was like, "What a wonderfulworld we live in

that this guywould say yes to me."

I was like, "But he shouldn't,"and he did,

and I love that man.

And we got in his car,and, you know,

he starts driving,but then he gets to a stop sign.

And I'm just out of control.

I'm like,"Man, just go!

Please!Just go!"

And we wind updoing that again,

and then I finally tell himto stop.

And I jump out of his car,and I throw $200 at him.

And he--he says to me.

He's like, "Man, I justdrove you, like, five blocks.

It's really"--And I was like, "Just take it!"

And thenI just started running.

And I ranall the way home.

And when I got home, I startedto feel a little bit lonely,

and I started to rethink thingswith Kelly, you know?

It's like,you know, yeah,

she slept with a fewof my friends.

Okay.

Maybe I canjust take that as,

she finds my friendsreally charming and attractive.

In a way,that's like a compliment.

So I called her,and I asked her to come over,

and she did.

And when she got there,I begged her to take me back,

and she did.

And then my phone rang,

and it was Ari.

I was like, "Oh, yeah.That's right.

"Like, we were supposed to bedoing mushrooms today

"to rekindleour friendship

because I've beensuch a bad friend."

And, Ari, do you rememberwhat you said?

(Ari)Yeah, I was worried about you.

So I was like--I was like,"Hey, are you okay?"

Yeah, and I thoughthe was gonna attack me,

which would've beenthe right thing to do.

And then I was like,"You know"--

I don't knowhow to tell him this,

so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good.I'm good.

I'm here with Kelly."

Yeah, I forgotabout that.

You were like,"I'm here with Kelly.

We got back together,"but I was like...

[sighs]

"All right, well,at least you're all right."

(Pete)Yeah, he wasa good sport about it.

And then you--not only that,then he says to me.

He's like, "Hey, man,I just want to let you know

that I love you."

(Ari)I do.

I was really concernedfor you.

Yeah, and I was, like,overwhelmed with--

I was like--That was so nice of you.

- Yeah.- Yeah.

I wouldn't have beenthat way.

Let me ask youa question.

(Pete)What's that?

Why--why did you have$300 on you?

[laughter and applause]

I think I figured thatI was doing something

sort of adventurousthat, like,

I should probably bringemergency funds.

- You know?- No, it's--

Just to be safe.

You don't need emergency fundsfor a mushroom trip.

Oh, yeah,but didn't I need them?

[laughter]

Wouldn't you saythat I needed them?

Yeah, you're right.You're right, you did.

And I'm gladyou're safe, man.

I'm glad you're safeas well.

Thanks.Pete Carboni, everybody.

Pete Carboni.