Lewis Black - Lewis for President

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 12/21/1998
  • Views: 3,439

America has done fine without a leader. (2:51)

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A DEMOCRATAND A REPUBLICAN?

A DEMOCRAT BLOWS,A REPUBLICAN SUCKS.

( laughter )

THE DEMOCRATS BELIEVETHAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

SHOULD BE IN CHARGE

AND THE REPUBLICANS BELIEVE THATTHE STATES SHOULD BE IN CHARGE

AND THEY'RE BOTH WRONG.

IT HAS TO BE...

AND IT HAS TO BE THE WAY OURFOUNDING FATHERS THOUGHT OF IT

AS A COMBINATION OF FEDERALAND STATE.

AND THE REASON THEY THOUGHTOF IT THAT WAY

THAT WE'D BE ASSUREDIF IT WAS FEDERAL AND STATE

THERE'D BE ENOUGH PEOPLEIN THE ROOM

THAT MAYBE A FEW OF THEMCOULD READ.

( laughter )

THE ONE THING YOU DON'T DOIS GIVE STATES

BLOCK GRANTS OF MONEY TO DOWITH THAT MONEY WHAT THEY WISH.

AND THE REASON IS

IS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOLIN CHAPEL HILL, NORTH CAROLINA

I THOUGHT THAT THAT STATEWAS A SMART STATE.

WELL, NO.

THEY HAD A $600,000 GRANTTO FIGHT CRIME.

THEY TOOK $15,000 OF THAT GRANT

TO FUND A STUDY

TO FIND OUT WHY PRISONERS

WANTED TO ESCAPE FROM PRISON.

( laughter )

DON'T YOU THINK FOR, LIKE, $500

THEY COULD HAVE CALLEDANY ONE OF US?

AND EVEN THOUGH WE'VE NEVERBEEN IN PRISON, OKAY

WE COULD IMAGINEWHAT IT WAS LIKE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE CELLIS DARK AND DANK

AND WE DON'T REALLYGET CABLE

AND THERE'S A BIG GUYNAMED BUBBA

WHO WANTS TO DANCE WITH ME.

( laughter )

THE ONE THING I'VE LEARNEDOVER THE LAST 20 YEARS

IS PRETTY SIMPLE.

WE FUNCTION VERY WELLWITHOUT A LEADER.

WE'VE DONE TERRIFICALLY.

AND I'VE LEARNEDONE OTHER THING THIS YEAR.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD ECONOMICS.

I DON'T GET IT.

I'VE NEVER COMPREHENDED IT.

I'D TRY TO TAKE IT

BUT I'D GO INTO THE CLASSAND THREE MINUTES INTO IT

I'D GO...

AND PASS OUT.

( laughter )

BUT I LEARNED SOMETHINGTHIS YEAR.

IT'S THIS--

WHEN DID THE DOW JONESGO UP?

IT WENT UP WHEN HE WAS GETTINGHIS WINKY WET.

( laughter )

SO THAT'S ALL IT TAKES.

THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T NEEDA PRESIDENT.

ALL THIS COUNTRY NEEDSIS A GUY IN THE WHITE HOUSE

WHO'S... WHO'S WILLING TO GETA HUMMER EVERY NOW AND THEN.

AND I THINK I'M JUST THE MANFOR THE JOB.

THANK YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN TERRIFIC.

( cheering and applause )

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