Jay Larson - Embarrassing Purchase

Jay Larson Season 15, Ep 15 03/11/2011 Views: 20,430

When you buy a plunger you are letting everyone know that you have a situation at home. (2:29)

You ever boughta plunger?

That's an embarrassingpurchase.

[audience laughing]

At first you thinkit's no big deal.

Standin' in line.

Swingin' it.

[audience laughing]

And then you realizeeverybody knows.

[audience laughing]

You got a situationat home.

[audience laughing]

Nobody buys a plungeron a whim, okay?


Tropical fruitSkittles, maybe.

Plunger-- No--Not happening.

People in linejudging you like, "oh.

"He's husky."

[audience laughing]

"I bet he likesthe fast food."

I'm used to beingembarrassed.

I was in the marchingband in High School.

Anybody elsego that route?


- What'd you play?

French horn.


That's, uh, that'sa tough call.

I played the bass drum--Those are not sexy instruments.

How many people inyour marching band?

Hundred and fifty.

We had 17in mine.

[audience laughing]


You know howembarrassing that is?

Our rival school, Running Mass,had 170 and a flag core,

the girlswith the flags.

[audience laughing]

We had one girl, shewaved a white flag.

[audience laughing]

They used to come on ourturf like red coats like--



We came in likeCharlie Brown like--


Like just bumping into eachother like, "Get out of the way!

"Go around--Go around!"

[audience laughing]

Seventeen people, wecouldn't make it happen.

Would you getmade fun of?

Yeah, of courseyou did.

It's not like you'regonna fight back, though.

You're wearin' acummerbund, and a plume.

You gota French horn.

[audience laughing]

Even me, Ihad a mallet.

You can't go withsomeone with a mallet.

It's embarrassing--You can't fight, you know?

My remedy, I used to justthrow words at people.

If they make fun of me, I'djust throw somethin' back

like, if they said somethin'to me I'd be like,

"that's a onomatopoeia!"

And I'd walk away.

[audience laughing]

No one knows whatthat word means.

You knowwhat I mean?

They would be like,"What's an onomatopoeia?"

[audience laughing]

The other thing to do if you getmade fun of, to get out of it,

is list a date fromhistory and a false event.

People have no ideahow to respond to that.

Can you make funof me real quick?

- Uh, nice sweatshirt.

- What is this 1755?

The incarnation?

[audience laughing and applause]

Everyone around him is gonna belike, "what was the incarnation?

"What happenedin 1755?"