Adam Ferrara - Girlfriend Moving In

  • Season 4, Ep 5
  • 12/31/2000
  • Views: 18,993

When your girlfriend moves in, it's like being a flood victim. (3:19)

I LOVE THIS GIRL.

I KNOW I LOVE HER, 'CAUSE SHE

TOLD ME.

(LAUGHTER)

GETTING A GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE

JOINING THE ARMY: YOU GET A

HAIRCUT, NEW CLOTHES, AND ALL

THE INFORMATION'S GIVEN TO YOU

ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS ONLY.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE MOVED IN AND A LOT OF MY

STUFF DIDN'T MAKE IT IN THE

MERGER.

OH, IT WAS A HOSTILE TAKEOVER.

I FELT LIKE A FLOOD VICTIM.

I WAS LIKE THAT GUY YOU SEE ON

THE NEWS.

"IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

JUST-- WHOOSH!-- ALL GONE.

I GUESS I'LL REBUILD OR

SOMETHING."

SHE MOVED IN, ORGANIZED

EVERYTHING.

SHE EVEN YELLED AT THE ROACHES

AND GOT THEM TO HELP OUT.

I CAME HOME THE OTHER DAY.

THE ROACHES WERE VACUUMING LIKE,

"WATCH YOUR FEET!

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT ASKED HER TO

MOVE IN.

AT LEAST THE OTHER GIRLS WERE

SCARED OF US.

THIS CHICK'S NEVER GONNA DIE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

IF THERE'S EVER NUCLEAR FALLOUT,

ALL THAT'S GONNA BE LEFT IS US

AND HER.

AND WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE."

YOU LEARN A LOT WHEN YOU LIVE

WITH A WOMAN.

DID YOU KNOW PICTURES BELONG IN

FRAMES?

I HUNG MINE UP WITH TAPE.

AND THAT'S WRONG.

SHE SAID, "WHY DID YOU HANG YOUR

PICTURES UP WITH TAPE?"

"BECAUSE I GOT TIRED OF DOING

THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

I ALSO FOUND OUT MY BATHROOM

HABITS ARE DEPLORABLE.

"HOW COME WHEN YOU TAKE A

SHOWER, THE WATER GETS ALL OVER

THE PLACE?"

"HONEY, THE WATER'S SHOOTING OUT

OF THE WALL.

WHEN IT HITS YOU, IT BOUNCES

OFF.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S A CURTAIN."

"NO, NO, NO. IT'S YOU.

YOU'RE IN THERE SPLASHING

AROUND."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK, THERE'S A

SLIDE IN THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M PLAYING POOL GAMES BY

MYSELF?"

"MARCO."

"POLO."

"MARCO."

"POLO."

AND WHEN YOU--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

'CAUSE SHE ALWAYS SCREAMS AT ME,

"WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE TUB,

THE BATHMAT IS SOAKING WET."

"OH, GOD FORBID MY FEET TOUCH

THE PRECIOUS BATHMAT."

THAT'S ONE OF THE SACRED

ARTIFACTS I CAN'T GO NEAR IN

THIS MUSEUM WE'RE LIVING IN,

LIKE THE SOAP THAT'S ONLY FOR

COMPANY OR THE GUEST TOWELS THAT

I CAN'T TOUCH.

"WHEN ARE THESE FILTHY PEOPLE

SHOWING UP TO WASH THEMSELVES?

WILL YOU TELL ME?

'CAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY

SMELL THE DEAD, FERMENTING

FLOWER PETALS."

"THAT'S POTPOURRI."

"IT'S A BUCKET OF MULCH, LADY.

DON'T LIE TO ME."

(APPLAUSE)

I KNOW SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE

THINGS NICE, SO I DO MY PART.

NOW WHEN I GET UP TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

NIGHT, I TURN ON THE LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

I USED TO JUST GO BY SONAR.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST KEEP PEEING TILL YOU HEAR

WATER.

(APPLAUSE)

"TARGET ACQUIRED."

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER IN

THE MORNING.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN

HERE?"

"MUST BE THE HUMIDITY."

(LAUGHTER)

"HUMIDITY DOESN'T SMELL LIKE

ASPARAGUS."

"THAT WOULD BE THE POTPOURRI."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WE GET ALONG, THOUGH.

Loading...