Iliza Shlesinger - Gem of Knowledge

  • Season 14 , Ep 18
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 36,068

Iliza Shlesinger has empirically figured out a way to tell if you are hot or not. (1:58)

I HAVE A GIFT FORTHE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE.

I THINK SOMETIMES, AS WOMEN,

WE FEEL THAT THERE ARE A LOT OFSOCIETAL PRESSURES ON US, RIGHT?

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS TO DO,A LOT OF THINGS TO CONSIDER.

FROM THE SECOND YOU WAKE UP,AS A GIRL,

THE SECOND YOU WAKE UPIN THE MORNING,

YOUR MIND IS INUNDATEDWITH A BILLION QUESTIONS

ON HOW TO PROCEED WITH YOUR DAY.

YOU OPEN YOUR EYES,AND IT'S, "OH, MY GOD.

"AM I FAT? AM I THIN?SHOULD I WORK OUT?

"SHOULD I HAVE BREAKFAST?SHOULD I SKIP BREAKFAST?

"SHOULD I GO TO LUNCH?SHOULD I CALL MY MOM?

"SHOULD I CALL MY DAD?SHOULD I MySpace?

"SHOULD I FACEBOOK?SHOULD I TWITTER?

"SHOULD I DO YOGA?SHOULD I DO PILATES?

"SHOULD I GET A FRIEND?SHOULD I GET A BOYFRIEND?

"SHOULD I GET A GIRLFRIEND?SHOULD I GET A DOG?

"SHOULD I GET A CAT?SHOULD I GET 12 CATS?

SHOULD I CALL MY FRIENDS?WHAT SHOULD I DO? OH, MY GOD."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT

IF I COULD ANSWER ONEOF THOSE QUESTIONS DEFINITIVELY

AND YOU'D HAVETHAT GEM OF KNOWLEDGE?

ANSWERONE OF THESE QUESTIONS,

YOU COULD PLAN THE RESTOF YOUR LIFE AROUND THAT TRUTH.

ALL RIGHT?SO I FIGURED OUT THE ANSWER.

I FIGURED OUT THE WAY TO ANSWERA VERY DIFFICULT QUESTION.

I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO TELLWHETHER YOU'RE HOT OR NOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EMPIRICALLY.SO HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUTWHEREVER YOU GO TO MEET BOYS --

ALL RIGHT? -- A BAR, A CLUB,

LITTLE CAESARS,WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO DO...

AND YOU SEE A GUYTHAT YOU THINK IS HOT,

GO UP TO HIM

AND PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

IF YOU'RE HOT, HE'LL BE LIKE,

"THAT WAS REALLY CUTE.WHY'D YOU PUNCH ME?

"IT WAS SO ADORABLE.THAT DIDN'T HURT.

"COME BACK.LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO PUNCH.

"DON'T PUT YOUR THUMB IN --YOU'RE GONNA BREAK IT.

"COME HERE.LET ME SHOW YOU.

"COME HERE.WHERE YOU GOING?

"DON'T RUN AWAY.COME HERE. COME HERE.

"LET ME CUP YOUR BOOBUNCOMFORTABLY

WHILE I SHOW YOU THIS."

IF YOU'RE UGLY, BOOM,HE'S KNOCKING YOU OUT

'CAUSE NO GUY'S GONNA TAKE THATFROM AN UGLY CHICK.

THAT'S YOUR BAROMETER.

[ APPLAUSE ]

LADIES, LADIES...

YOU MIGHT LOSE A TOOTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHEN YOU COME OUTOF THAT COMA,

YOU'LL KNOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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