Ian Bagg - Huge Head, Etc.

Bagg, Koplitz, Rubin, Lee Season 4, Ep 0404 12/10/2000 Views: 1,802

Ian Bagg covers everything he can in the span of three minutes. (3:33)

I GOT A HUGE HEAD.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY

LOOKING AT IT.

THIS HUGE HEAD, ONE OF THE

BIGGER HEADS YOU'LL SEE ON

THE SHOW TONIGHT.

I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YA.

IT'S A HUGE HEAD.

I KNOW IT'S A BIG HEAD 'CAUSE

EVERY TIME I'M IN A PICTURE,

IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE I'M REALLY

CLOSE TO THE CAMERA AND

EVERYBODY ELSE IS FAR AWAY.

I'VE RUINED MANY A CHRISTMAS

WITH THIS HEAD, LET ME TELL YOU.

THESE PEOPLE ON THIS SIDE OF

THE ROOM CANNOT SEE THE BAND

RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU EVER GO ON THE INTERNET

THERE, GET ALL LIQUORED UP

AND TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR BALLS

AND SEND 'EM TO PEOPLE?

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

HUH?

HEY?

HUH?

THAT IS THE INFORMATION

SUPERHIGHWAY RIGHT THERE,

MY FRIEND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BED

ANYMORE TO FLASH YOUR GRANDMA.

(LAUGHTER)

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, OLD LADY."

BLINK.

"IAN IS GETTING SO BIG."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE.

THAT'LL NEVER MAKE HER IN.

OKAY.

SO, YEAH, I'M ORIGINALLY

FROM CANADA.

CANADA'S LIKE AMERICA'S YOUNGER

BROTHER.

WE JUST HANG OUT ABOVE YOU GUYS.

WE'RE JUST UP THERE.

"HEY!

WHAT YOU GUYS DOING DOWN THERE?"

"WE'RE GOING TO WAR."

(GASPS)

"CAN WE COME?"

(LAUGHTER)

MY PARENTS WON'T COME VISIT ME

DOWN HERE IN CALIFORNIA BECAUSE

MY PARENTS THINK THAT THEIR

KIDNEYS ARE GONNA GET STOLEN.

YEAH.

MY DAD READ ABOUT IT IN A

"READER'S DIGEST," ABOUT THIS

GUY THAT WENT TO A PARTY,

DID SOME COCAINE, AND THEN HE

PASSED OUT.

AND HE WOKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND HIS KIDNEYS WERE GONE.

I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL, DAD,

WHO PASSES OUT ON COCAINE?

SECOND OF ALL, YOU'RE 70.

WHAT PARTIES ARE YOU GOING TO?

TAKE A NIGHT OFF, HEFF."

OH, YEAH.

I WAS IN A TORNADO NOT TOO LONG

AGO.

HAS ANYBODY EVER BEEN IN A

TORNADO?

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

THAT IS WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE

FOR ONE ROOM.

IT'S, LIKE, 18 PEOPLE.

"OH, YEAH."

THAT IS SO WRONG.

I READ A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT

WAS IN THE SAME TORNADO AS ME.

I FELT BAD FOR THIS DOG--

RIGHT?--

BECAUSE THE DOG GOT PICKED UP

BY THE TORNADO AND GOT THROWN

125 FEET.

AND HE SURVIVED WHEN HE LANDED

IN A TREE.

YEAH.

I FELT BAD FOR THAT DOG,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE DOGS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT WEATHER PATTERNS.

SO FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE,

THAT DOG IS GONNA THINK HE HAS

SUPERPOWERS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IS ANYBODY IN A CULT?

(LAUGHTER)

THE PROBLEM IS, YOU NEVER KNOW

IF YOU'RE IN A CULT UNTIL

THE LAST 10 MINUTES.

JUST ONE AFTERNOON,

YOU'RE CUTTING OFF YOUR BALLS.

"HOLY CRAP.

I MIGHT BE IN A CULT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS IN LAS VEGAS LAST WEEK

SEEING THE BAND, AND THEY ARE

FANTASTIC.

I STAYED AT A--

I STAYED AT A CRAPPY HOTEL.

I STAYED AT THE--

I STAYED AT THE LUXOR.

YOU EVER STAY THERE?

IT'S A CRAPPY HOTEL.

IT'S A PYRAMID.

YOU CAN'T EVEN KILL YOURSELF

AFTER YOU LOSE ALL YOUR MONEY.

YOU JUMP OUT YOUR WINDOW,

YOU JUST SLIDE DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

(LAUGHTER)

I USED TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

YOU EVER DO ANYTHING SPECIAL

FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND THERE, GUYS?

YOU EVER DO ANYTHING SPECIAL?

YOU LIKE GIRLS HERE AT ALL?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS)

I GUESS YOU JUST DON'T HAVE

GIRLS.

THAT'S WHY NOBODY ANSWERED.

"IF I GET ONE, I'LL DO SOMETHING

SPECIAL."

I DID SOMETHING SPECIAL.

I SHAVED MY BIKINI LINE.

THAT'S WHAT I DID FOR MY

GIRLFRIEND.

YES, AND I LOOKED GOOD DOWN

BY THE POOL.

MISTAKE.

'CAUSE I'M COMPLETELY COVERED IN

HAIR, SO NOW I JUST HAVE THESE

TWO BALD PATCHES RIGHT HERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I LOOKED LIKE AN AIRPORT

IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST,

FOR CRAP'S SAKES.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.