Cristela Alonzo - Awful Rap & Nail Salon Lies

Cristela Alonzo Season 2, Ep 12 06/07/2013 Views: 25,227

Cristela Alonzo explains why rappers need to lower their standards and reveals that she loves getting her nails done but will go to great lengths to avoid salon small talk. (3:32)

I do like a lot of music.

I can't get into half of rapnowadays, you know?

Half of rap sucks, you know?

'Cause it's alwaysthe same thing.

Like, rap songs, all the guyswant to do is brag

about all the cool stuffthey own, you know?

"I got a Bentley,I got a Ferrari."

Who cares?

If I was a burglar, though,

I would do nothing but listento rap music all day long,

see who has the best stuff andtake that guy's crap, you know?

Like, "Whoa, Jay-Z's got aBentley? Hell, yeah, I want it.

I'm stealinghis house tomorrow, yeah."

All rap songs are the same--it's always a guy

promising women expensive thingsthey can't afford, you know?

Like, "Yo, yo, Louis Vuitton,Chanel, diamond rings,

bling bling, holla."It's like, "Damn."

You think... I mean, really.

Do you think I wantdiamond rings?

I mean, really, you know?We're in a recession.

I need to pay my cable bill.

I mean, if rapperscould lower their standards

and promise meeveryday things I could use,

you better believe I would bethe first woman in line

to take 'em up on their offer.

Jay-Z would be up onstage

like, "Yo, yo, I'll buy youa tank of gas."


"I'll sleep with youfor a tank of gas!

"It doesn't even haveto be premium!

I just need to go home."

Gas is expensive.

I am a tomboy. There's certainthings I like to do

that are kind of girly, though.

Like I likegetting my nails done.

Here's the thing, though:I hate small talk.

The women at the nail salon,that's all they do--

they ask you these questions.

They don't careabout the answer.

I get it. They're tryingto kill time. I get it, right?

I was at a nail salon.

This woman's doing my nails,and she's like,

(Asian accent):"Oh, are you from India?"


I've got two choices:

I can lie and say that I'm fromIndia and hope she shuts up,

or I could be like, "No,I'm Mexican. Blah, blah, blah."

So I was like...

"I'm Indian,"

thinking that's it, right?

"Oh, what part of India?"



"Guatemala? I have...


"What's the weather likein India?"

I'm like, "Oh, my God.I don't know.

I'm lying, all right?"

So I'm thinking,screw it, I'm gonna lie.

I'm gonna leave. I'm nevergonna see her again, right?

So I'm like,"It's snowing in India."

I have no clue, right?

So I leave, thinkingI'm never gonna see her again.

Guess what.

She does amazing nails.

So I have to go back to her.

So for the next six months,every time I go,

I have to study...

one to two hours on India

because the questionsare getting harder

and harder and harder.

Finally, after six months,she's like,

"Ooh, what's the major exportof India?"

"I don't know!

"Look, I can't do thisanymore, okay?

"I'm not Indian; I'm Mexican.

I'm Mexican!"

She's like, "Oh, honey,I know you're Mexican.

You pay with debit card.I'm just messing with you."