Myq Kaplan - Religious Extremity

  • Season 14 , Ep 22
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 19,353

Myq Kaplan doesn't see a lot of half-human, half-bird creatures in the natural world. (3:27)

THEY'RE READING THINGS LIKE"THE DA VINCI CODE"

AND THE BIBLE, AND --

YEAH, I KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"THE DA VINCI CODE"MIGHT BE REAL.

FAIR ENOUGH, EVERYBODY.FAIR ENOUGH.

LIKE, WHATEVER YOUR RELIGION IS,THAT'S GREAT.

LIKE, I'M JEWISH.I'M NOT UBER-JEWISH.

I WILL USE GERMANTO DESCRIBE HOW JEWISH I AM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHATEVER YOUR RELIGION IS,THAT'S GREAT.

JUST DON'T THINKOTHER PEOPLE ARE SILLY

AND ANTAGONIZE THEMFOR THEIR BELIEFS, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE,"YOU GUYS DON'T EAT PORK?

"THAT'S WEIRD.

"WE DRINK THE BLOODOF OUR SAVIOR.

WE CALL IT 'JESUS-Y JUICE.'"

AND THEY GET SO RELIGIOUSLYEXTREME THAT THEY DENY REALITY.

THEY'RE LIKE,"GAY DOESN'T EXIST.

YOU DON'T SEE GAYIN THE NATURAL WORLD."

YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T SEEAS MUCH IN THE NATURAL WORLD?

ANGELS.

THOSE ARE HALF-HUMAN/HALF-BIRDCREATURES, EVERYBODY.

THE DEVIL IS HALF-MAN/HALF-GOAT.

I'VE SEEN GAYS MOREIS ALL I'M SAYING.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE THAT THINKTHAT GAYS ARE THE ULTIMATE EVIL

AND THAT THE DEVIL'STHE ULTIMATE EVIL.

BUT THEY DON'T THINKTHE DEVIL IS GAY.

WHY NOT?

I MEAN, HE'S HORNY AND FLAMING.CLOSE ENOUGH.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I AM GAY-FRIENDLY, OR AS THEYCALLED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL, "GAY."

I LIKE WOMEN, BUT I ALSOLIKE SPEAKING INTELLIGENTLY.

I BELIEVE THAT'S THE CONFUSION

TO THE FOOTBALL PLAYERSAND SUCH.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "COMPLETESENTENCES COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

[BLEEP] MUST GO IN, YES."

SOME KIND OF WORD/GENITALEXCHANGE PROGRAM THEY'RE TAUGHT.

THE POINT IS I DON'T LIKETHE PHRASE "GAY-FRIENDLY."

MAKES ME"STRAIGHT-ANGRY," HONESTLY.

BECAUSE NO OTHER OPPRESSED GROUP

HAS THAT KIND OF LINGOTO DEAL WITH.

NOBODY'S EVER LIKE,"I'M BLACK-FRIENDLY,"

'CAUSE THAT SOUNDS RACIST,CLEARLY.

NOBODY'S EVER LIKE,"I AM JEW-FRIENDLY,"

'CAUSE NOBODY IS EVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THAT'S A SAD ONE.

[ SIGHS ]

THIS BIGOTRY IS GETTINGSO CONFUSING THESE DAYS.

LIKE IT USED TO, AT LEAST,MAKE LOGICAL SENSE.

IT WAS NEVER ETHICAL.

BUT, LIKE, BACK WHEN THE ISSUEWAS INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE,

OBVIOUSLY, PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"DON'T LET THE BLACK PEOPLEMARRY US.

"DON'T LET THEM MARRY US.

MAKE THEM MARRYEACH OTHER ONLY."

TODAY WITH GAY PEOPLE,THEY'RE LIKE,

"DON'T LET THEM MARRYEACH OTHER!

"MAKE THEM MARRY...

US?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I GUESS?"

"MAYBE MAKE THEMMARRY THE BLACKS.

BIGOTRY'S CONFUSING."

BUT MY GRANDMOTHER DOESN'TWANT ME TO MARRY A NON-JEW.

SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING THINGS LIKE,"YOU DON'T WANT YOUR KIDS

GROWING UP WEARING A CROSS,DO YOU?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I DOIF THEY'RE FIGHTING VAMPIRES.

"SO LET'S NOT RULE ANYTHING OUTFOR LITTLE BUFFY KAPLAN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE JEWS HAVE HAD IT ROUGH.

LIKE I HAVE SOME DISTANT COUSINS

THAT GO SUCKED INTOONE OF THESE PYRAMID SCHEMES,

YOU KNOW,BUILDING THEM IN EGYPT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TOO SOON? OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

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