Rene Hicks - Celibacy

  • Season 4 , Ep 3
  • 12/17/2000
  • Views: 5,442

Vegetarians and celibates go together well. (3:43)

I TELL YOU, WE WOULD HAVE A LOT

LESS GANG VIOLENCE IF WE HAD

SOME PARENTAL CONTROL.

YOU GOT TO DISCIPLINE THESE

KIDS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU GOT TO.

THEY NEED IT.

THEY WANT IT.

(APPLAUSE)

AND NOT THIS TIME-OUT BULL,

EITHER.

I THINK YOU WHITE PEOPLE STARTED

THIS STUFF.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE I ASKED ONE OF MY WHITE

GIRLFRIENDS WHERE SHE GOT THIS

FROM.

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, RENE, I READ

IT IN A BOOK.

EXPERTS GAVE ME THEORIES AND

PRINCIPLES ON HOW TO DISCIPLINE

CHILDREN."

MY MOM HELPED RAISE 5 KIDS.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO READ A BOOK.

OH, SHE HAD SOMETHING LIKE

TIME-OUT.

IT WAS CALLED KNOCKOUT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(WHOO!)

AND YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS,

THEY CONTROLLED WHAT WE WATCHED

ON TV.

SHE WOULD NOT LET US WATCH

CERTAIN THINGS.

I SAW MY LITTLE NEPHEWS, NIECES

WATCHING TALK SHOWS, AND YOU

KNOW WHAT?

I REALIZED THEY'RE STARTING TO

RUN OUT OF FREAKS ON THOSE TALK

SHOWS.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

THEY ARE.

'CAUSE THEY COPY EACH OTHER'S

SHOWS, CHANGE ONE WORD AND

PRETEND LIKE IT'S A NEW SHOW.

LIKE I SAW ONE SHOW.

IT WAS, LIKE, "DEVIL

WORSHIPERS."

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE, LIKE A

WEEK LATER, "TEENAGE DEVIL

WORSHIPERS."

I'M WAITING FOR SPRINGER TO COME

ALONG AND TOP EVERYBODY.

"DYSLEXIC TEENAGE DEVIL

WORSHIPERS."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THEY HAVE

SERIOUS TOPICS ON THE TALK

SHOWS.

I SAW ONE ON AIDS.

IT ACTUALLY SAID THAT BLACK

FEMALES ARE THE FASTEST RISING

INFECTION RATE.

THAT SCARED ME.

AND I DECIDED THAT, HEY, UNTIL I

FIND SOMEBODY THAT'S WORTH DYING

FOR, I'M ABSTAINING FROM SEX.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I AM CELIBATE, AND IT AIN'T

EASY!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I NOW KNOW WHY CATHOLIC NUNS ARE

SO DAMN MEAN.

(LAUGHTER)

I, TOO, WISH TO HIT PEOPLE WITH

A RULER FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT IS NOT EASY HERE IN

NEW YORK, EITHER, WITH ALL THESE

DIFFERENT FLAVORED MEN WALKING

AROUND WITH YOUR SHIRTS OFF

TRYING TO TEMPT ME!

AND YOU GUYS, YOU PRETEND LIKE

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE

WORD "CELIBATE" MEANS.

I TOLD ONE GUY I WAS CELIBATE.

HE WAS LIKE, "WELL, I'M A

SAGITTARIUS.

OUR SIGNS ARE COMPATIBLE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ANOTHER GUY SAID, "CELIBATE?

IS THAT LIKE SOME SORT OF

VEGETARIAN?"

I SAID, "WELL, WE DO HAVE

SOMETHING IN COMMON IN THAT

TONIGHT NEITHER ONE OF US WILL

BE HAVING MEAT."

OKAY?

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

(APPLAUSE)

I RAN INTO ONE DUMB, DUMB, DUMB

GUY TALKING ABOUT, "SELL-A-BIT,

SELL-A-LOT.

JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH IT COSTS."

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

(CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY)

I HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO HAVE

SEX BECAUSE I HEARD THAT A WOMAN

DOES NOT REACH HER SEXUAL PEAK

UNTIL SHE'S 35-- A MAN, 18.

I HAVE A PLAN.

WHEN I START TO HIT 35,

I'M GONNA START PATROLLING

HIGH SCHOOLS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY GET OUT AT 3 O'CLOCK.

I ALREADY CALLED TO CHECK.

I'M GONNA LOAD UP MY CAR WITH

BEER, FOOD, AND A SONY

PLAYSTATION.

I'M GONNA GET ME SOMEBODY,

SOMEBODY SPECIAL.

(LAUGHTER)

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