Kurt Metzger - Forgiving Tiger Woods

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 07/18/2010
  • Views: 16,212

Whose boring ass, khaki pants wearing, anti-Christ kid is watching golf on television? (2:28)

- OH, MY GOD.

HOW ARE YOU?ARE YOU GOOD?

HOW IS THE ECONOMY FOR YOU?

IS IT HARD?

BUT IS IT THIS HARD?

HAS IT GOTTEN SO HARDTHAT SOME OF YOU

HAVE HAD TO SELL YOUR GOLD

FOR CASH?

IS A CASH FOR GOLD HARDAT YOUR HOUSE?

YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR BIGPILE OF GOLD THAT YOU HAD?

AND YOU HAD TO PUT IT IN A BAGAND SEND IT TO THE TV...

TO THAT COMMERCIALTHAT RUNS ALL DAY?

DO YOU SEE THAT?

AND THE PEOPLE THAT SOLDTHEIR GOLD FOR CASH

ARE SO HAPPYON THAT COMMERCIAL.

BECAUSE THEY HAD NO IDEA

GOLD WAS VALUABLE.

"I GOT $40 TO GOTO SIX FLAGS,

"AND I JUST HAD TO MELT DOWNMY GRANDMA'S DUMB-ASS NECKLACE

"SHE HID FROM THE NAZIS.

AND I RODE BATMAN: THE RIDETWO TIMES."

HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO FORGIVETIGER WOODS YET?

ANYBODY? FINALLY?

NO? DID YOU SAY NO?

WHY? 'CAUSE THEYWERE WHITE GIRLS,

OR 'CAUSE IT WAS ADULTERY?

COME ON.

HE HAD A PRESS CONFERENCEIN FRONT OF HIS MOM.

HOW EMBARRASSING IS THAT?

HE HAD TO GO UP IN FRONTOF HIS MOM, BE LIKE,

"SORRY I GET SO MUCH ASS, MOM,AND AMERICA."

I DON'T EVEN GET THAT.

WHENEVER I GET LAID,I CALL MY MOM.

LIKE, "HEY, MOM, I'M ONTHE ROAD, KNEE-DEEP IN SKUSH.

WHAT ARE YOUGONNA DO ABOUT IT?"

AND I HANG UP.

BUT I DON'THAVE ENDORSEMENTS,

SO I CAN DO STUFF LIKE THAT.

BUT PEOPLE SAID HE WASA BAD EXAMPLE FOR CHILDREN.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?HE'S A BAD EXAMP--

HERE'S MY QUESTION:

WHOSE BORING-ASS CHILDWATCHES GOLF ON TV?

WHOSE CREEPYLITTLE ANTICHRIST,

KHAKI-PANTS-WEARING CRACKERCAN SIT--

THAT'S SOMETHING MY OLD,WHITE GRANDFATHER WATCHES

WHILE HE FALLS ASLEEPIN HIS TV TRAY.

"A NEGRO.

EHH."

PLUS, HE WENTTO SEX REHAB, GUYS.

FOR LIKE SIX WEEKS.

AND IT COST $60,000.

60 GRAND FOR SIX WEEKSOF SEX REHAB.

THAT'S LIKE HE BOUGHT HIS PENISAN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION.

I MEAN, HE'S BLACK AND ASIAN.

COULDN'T HE HAVE GOTTENA SCHOLARSHIP

TO PENIS ACADEMY?

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