Uncensored - Dane Cook - Ending Relationships

Troublemaker Season 1, Ep 101 01/25/2015 Views: 10,867

Dane Cook wishes that romantic relationships could end the exact same way that they begin. (2:33)

It's over, right.

Truth is revealed, andthen you gotta splitsville.

God, don't youwish that you could

just break up the way you met?

You know that whole thingof like when you meet,

and it's like loveat first sight.

It's the best feeling,love at first sight.

Because you bothshare the moment.

You know, in the moment,that you both want it.

It doesn't matter.

You talk about itin the relationship.

Oh, do you remember wewere both at that party,

and then I lookedover, and you saw me.

We just both felt it and thenwe-- it's just, you know,

it's in that moment.

I just wish that relationshipscould end the exact same way,

that you just knew atthe exact same time.

That would be great.

You could just be walkinghand in hand down the street,

and then you just both stop.

[laughter]

This was really great!

Thank you so much.

[laughter]

Yeah, I uh, felt it too.

All right.

Later.

[cheering]

No.Never happens like that.

One person falls out,and the other person

doesn't know that they'rehated for two more years.

It's like, why didyou stay with me?

You know, oh, because you didn'twant to pay me back the $200

you owed me, so youjust stayed with me

and sussed out other potentialexit strategy options.

Isn't that the worst,when somebody stays

with you and justfinds somebody else?

And they're like, hey,got to fucking split.

I found this other person.

[laughter]

They're waiting in the car.

I gotta go.

They're the getaway driver?

Ugh.

Girls, you have a bad breakup.

When you have avery bad break up,

you do something thatis really interesting.

Like when a girl has like areal betrayal, when a guy really

just crushes you, justsmashes your heart.

And you know that--true betrayal you know.

Because some of you thinkyou've been betrayed.

You'll be like, Iwas betrayed, Dane.

He used my Netflix accountand didn't tell me,

and racked up $70 in charges.

That's not fucking betrayal.

Real betrayal, you know, iswhen somebody you're dating

has like a meth lab in yourbasement and didn't tell you.

Didn't even sharethe profits with you.

A real shit bum kind of person.

So you get smashed, andthen, girls, you do this.

You change your Facebookpicture to the happiest picture.

But it's obviousthat you're very sad,

because the pictureis too happy, right?

Your new pictures islike you with an umbrella

on a sunny day.

It's you with five pugsand a cotton candy.

Look at me, all happy!

Ha ha ha!

Pugs!