Christina Pazsitzky - Middle School Girl Fight - Uncensored

Melee 03/22/2016 Views: 2,911

It was hard for Christina Pazsitzky to be a goth girl in the San Fernando Valley in the early 90s after her middle school was integrated. (14:14)

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- I could have had a boyfriendnamed Chad or Connor

or Cooper or Skylar,some nice football player

who finger-blasted mebehind the racquetball courts.

[laughter]

No, dude.I was different.

[tense techno music]

[creatures snarling]

[hatch whirs]

[distorted electronic warbling]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm the host,Ari Shaffir,

and tonight the topicis "Melee."

[cheers and applause]

Hells, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a very, very good friendof mine--

you guys will absolutelylove her.

She's the hostof "Your Mom's House" podcast.

Please give it up.

Christina Pazsitzky, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, hi, guys.Hi. Hi.

Thank you, yes.So, um...

I went to junior high school--

I grew up inthe San Fernando Valley,

which is a suburb of here.

- Whoo!- And--thank you.

In the late '80s, early '90s,

and it wasa fucking crazy time,

'cause that's when, uh,N.W.A. came out

with "Straight Outta Compton,"yeah?

And it--that album really, like,blew the city apart.

Like, they wouldn't let you

wear red or blueto junior high school

because of allthe seventh grade gangbanging

that went on, right?

And people are like,"Christina,

have you seen the movie'Straight Outta Compton'?"

I'm like, "Motherfuckers,I lived that.

Okay?I ain't gonna go see that. No."

And also,around that same time, uh,

was Rodney King.

Poor Rodney King gets beaten upby the LAPD in 1991.

In '92, the fourpiece-of-shit cops that beat him

get acquitted, and--you're, like, 12 years old.

Do you even knowwhat I'm talking about?

[laughter]

He got beaten by cops,

and they put the cops on trial,and they all got acquitted.

And there was this thingcalled the LA riots.

[whispering]The LA riots.

And it was so scary.

You had to, like, you know,lock your doors, and--

well, not me;I lived in the suburbs.

But other people did.

The point is,all that shit happens.

LA is like a hotbedof racial tension and awfulness.

And it's this exact moment

that theLA Unified School District

decides to embark ona massive integration program.

[laughter]

I live out in the suburbs

in a super, super white,like, pretty nice school.

And they decidedto bus in, like,

violent gangbangersfrom downtown.

From where?I don't know.

From fuckin'the awfullest neighborhoods

in the world.

They bused in, like,black and Mexican--

and not--not to--

Donald Trump had it some right.

Some of them were nice.

Some--[snorts]

Some, I assume,were nice people.

Not these demon seedsthat were in my school.

And don't get me wrong.I'm all for integration.

I'm not, like, a--a bigot.

I just--I would have preferred

to have read about it later...

[laughter]

In a book,

not, like, live through it.

'Cause it was really terrible.It was terrible.

And the worst part is,in seventh grade,

I was hard-core goth.

[laughter]

You guys knowwhat goth kids are, yeah?

So goth is like...

Goth is likeall the fun of being dead...

[laughter]

Except nobody gives a shit.

Nobody cries for you.

So, like, a goth kidgoing to LA public school

was a lot like a man

wearing a summer dressand sandals to prison.

Oh, shit got realreal quick

for this white girl.

Dude, I had one friendin public school--

a Mexican girl,

a chola named Chula.

[laughter]

No shit.We met in remedial reading.

And we got alongbecause cholas and goth girls

have the same makeup.

[laughter]

[snorts]And we used to--

she taught me how to smokecigarettes, you know?

Like, in the bathroom,we smoked cigarettes.

And she'd talk about oldies.

For some reason,cholos love oldies.

"You like that song'Angel Baby'?"

I'm like, "Fuck no.Is that The Cure?

I have no ideawhat you're talking about."

But anyways, yeah,her name was Chula,

and she was always like,"You know what, Christina?

Our friendship is likea blessing in the skies."

[laughter]

I'm like,"That's right, girl.

Way up there."

So here it is,seventh grade.

I'm super, super goth.

I'm in this schoolthat's newly integrated,

and it's a nightmare.

And here's the thing--like, I'm a female comic.

You got to be really,really fucked up in your head

to be a female comic,right?

It's masochistic.It's horrible.

Everyone hates us.

I love it.

[laughter]

I love it 'causeI'm whacked in my head.

I could have beena normal white girl.

I could have had a boyfriendnamed Chad or Connor

or Cooper or Skylar,some nice football player

who finger-blasted mebehind the racquetball courts.

[laughter]

No, dude.I was different.

And I thinkwhat changed me--

you know, you have, like,one thing in your life

that happens to you, and...

[clicks tongue]Ah-ah!

It just kind of...

[laughter]

I got into a fight.

And I got into a fightwith a black girl.

[imitates record scratching]Right.

Look how weirdyou fuckers got.

Yeah.

I'm not sayingthat all black girls

are amazing boxers,because that...

[laughter]

That would be a stereotype,you guys.

A stereotypethat is completely fucking true.

[laughs and snorts]

That's what's up.

MMA does not have shiton a black girl.

They will fuck you up.

Even little black--12-year-old black girls,

I see them doingdouble Dutch in the street;

I get the fuckacross the street.

No way, dude.No way.

Now, the girlthat messed with me,

her name was Rosina Johnson.

What?

Yes, that's that bitch'sreal name.

Let her come find me now.

So what happened is,Rosina and I...

Do you buy that?

That I'm super-street?I am.

So Rosina and Ihad PE together.

That's physical education,

something children don't haveanymore today, right?

And, uh, we would changein the locker rooms, right?

And this girlwould fuck with me.

Like, she would mess with me,

but she did it by, like,singing songs at me.

Like, first,it started with her

just calling me"Beetlejuice."

She'd be like--

Remember, like,that stupid movie?

"Hey, Beetlejuice,Beetlejuice!

"Oh, shit, I see Beetlejuiceis coming up over here.

"Beetlejuice!

Oh, damn,she look like she Beetle--"

I'm like, "Yeah, I know.I got it."

But then one day,after PE,

they fucking--they used to sellpickles for some reason.

Like, you went to public schoolin LA,

after PE, they would sell youthe unhealthiest crap.

It was, like, rock candy,Now & Laters, and then pickles.

I remember this bitch--this bitch stole my pickle too.

One day, she just tookmy pickle.

But what brokethe goth girl's back...

[snorts]Was...

she was singing at meone day,

and I can't--I can't singwhat she sang

for legal reasons,but--I don't know.

What's a popular R&B--it's, like--

[vocalizing and scatting]

♪ Kiss my pussy And...

♪ Why don't I fartin your face? ♪

♪ Fart in your face, girl

♪ You know you lovesandwiches in my ass ♪

I don't know.So...

That was the songshe sang at me.

♪ Kiss my pussy,kiss my pussy ♪

♪ Kiss my pu-- And she would repeat it.

And I couldn't take it anymore.You know what I'm saying?

I couldn't take it anymore.

You can poke the little doggieso much,

and the dog's gonna bite back.

And I turn, and I stopin the middle of her singing,

and I say to her,

I go, "Why don't you...

shut the fuck up?"

[laughter]

Oh, you guys thinkthat was a good idea?

Oh, hey,should I try heroin?

[laughter]

Yeah, I hearnothing bad happens.

[laughter]

Dude, this girlwas a powerful fighter.

I'm gonna break it downfor you.

So first of all,very physically intimidating.

She had, like, upper body--like Michelle Obama arms.

I don't knowif you've ever seen her

in those strapless dresses.

And she would come at me,dude.

She came at me with--with windmills.

Just bam! Bam! Bam!Bam! Bam!

Yeah, see, you were laughing'cause you know that move.

Go to worldstarhiphop.com.You know it's real.

Wham!

Not only that, this girlwas a psychological warrior.

She got inside of my head.

And she did thisby repeating things.

She would just get in my faceand just,

"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

"Oh, no! Oh, no!

"Oh, no! Oh, no!Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no!Oh, no!"

"Un-uh, you don't know me!You don't know me!

"You don't know me!You don't know me!

"You don't know me!You don't know me!

"You don't know me.You don't know me.

"You don't know me.You don't know me.

"You don't know me.You don't know me.

You don't know me.You don't--"

Like, "Yes, bitch.I don't know you.

Just stop hitting me."

Oh, my God.

Having flashbacks.

And just a word of advice,

during a fight,

if someoneasks you questions,

do not answer the questions...

they ask.

Those are rhetorical.Those are not for you.

She was like,"Oh, you think you cute?"

I'm like, "I don't--I don't--I guess I'm okay.

I'm not, like, a model.[chuckles]"

"Well, somebody's aboutto get fucked up."

"Is that somebody me?"

Ugh, so stupid.

It was the dumbest decisionof my life.

It was,because the biggest comeback

I had in seventh grade--this is my biggest comeback.

"So?"That's all I had.

[laughter]

Dude, Rosina Johnsonwould come at me with, like,

haikus, fables, stories,rhymes.

This girl would have mechoked out up against a locker.

Like, she choked me outat one point in this fight--

choked me out,and in the middle of that,

stopped to bust a rhyme.

This is the exact rhymethis girl spit

from seventh grade

from this ass-beatingI got from her.

I gonna sing itfor you now.

Here we go.It was...

[chuckles and snorts]It was, um...

♪ Talk to the hand,it's yo' breath I can't stand ♪

♪ I don't mean to be mean,but you need LISTERINE ♪

♪ Not a sip, not a swallow,but the whole damn bottle ♪

[laughter and applause]

Right.Wow.

[chuckles]

You know how hard it isto get punched in the stomach

and laugh at the same time?Like...

[chuckles]"You're a genius.

Oh, you're so funny."

It was--it was hard.

And here's the thing,

I stood up for myself.

I pushed backon Rosina Johnson.

I pushed back.

Yes, I got my ass kicked,but...

at the end of the yearafter all of that,

we were okay.

A weird thing happened.Like, we were cool.

I'm not saying this bitchwas in my wedding,

but I'm saying, like...

[laughter]

Oh, it's not like that,but...

we were okay.

And at the end of the year--true story--

at the end of the year,

she even signedmy yearbook.

Yeah, she wrote,"Dear Christina,

"you're a nice girl.

"Stay sweet.

Love, Rosina Johnson."

[applause]Yeah.

That's right.

That's right,so the moral of the story is,

sometimesviolence is the answer.

[laughter]

Thank you guysfor listening to my story.

[tense techno music]