Dane Cook - Peace Be with You

  • Season 3 , Ep 4
  • 06/27/2000
  • Views: 84,294

Dane Cook discusses strategizing in church. (3:43)

CATHOLIC.

EVERY SUNDAY.

EVERY SUNDAY, MY DADMADE US GET UP, GO TO MASS.

AND YOU HAD TO GET THEREAT, LIKE, WHAT?

QUARTER OF FIVE IN THE MORNING?

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU WANTEDGOOD SEATS.

THERE WAS SO MANY THINGSTO REMEMBER, TOO,

WHEN YOU GOT THERE.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS, LIKE,LITTLE MOVES.

NOBODY KNEW THE MOVES.

NOBODY KNEW.

LIKE, WHAT WAS THAT ONE?

NOBODY KNEW.

NOBODY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.

WHAT IS THIS?

TRYING TO MAKE IT UPAS YOU GO.

[laughter and applause]

THERE WAS PEACE.

PEACE WAS WHEN YOU WOULD--

YOU WOULD SHAKE THE HANDSOF ALL THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

THE ONLY REASONYOU KNEW PEACE WAS COMING

WAS BECAUSE THE PRIEST WOULD SAY"PEACE," LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

HE'D BE LIKE,

"AND THE PEACEFUL DISCIPLESSAID MY PEACE I LEAVE,

"MY PEACE I GIVE TO YOU,

AS WE ATE REESES PIECESWITH THE LORD."

[laughter]

AND HE SAID, "I HAVE A PIECEOF LINT IN MY PEACEFUL EYE."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING

WHILE HE WAS DOINGHIS LITTLE PEACE RAP?

YOU WERE LOOKING AROUNDFOR THE PEOPLE

WHOSE HANDSYOU WERE NOT GONNA SHAKE.

THIS WAS CHURCH.

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,"NO, [bleep] THAT GUY."

"HERE HE COMES.

"NO. PEACE BE WITH YOU.

"I'M ALL SET.

"PEACE BE--

"I SAID, I'M ALL SET.I'M DOING MY THING.

"I GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE.PEACE OFF.

"PEACE BE WITH YOU.

"DON'T LET GO!

YOU DO NOT LET GO OF ME!"

THEN IT WAS SNACK TIMEIN THE MIDDLE OF MASS.

[laughter]

YEAH.

RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE,

THE PRIEST WOULD LOOK DOWNAND BE LIKE,

♪ "LET'S HAVE SOME YUM-YUMS.

♪ I'VE MADE SNACKS."

YOU WOULD GET IN LINE--YOU WOULD JUMP IN THE LINE,

AND YOU WOULD GO UPAND GET THE, YOU KNOW,

THE CROUTON O'CHRIST.

HE HAD A WHOLE BOWL OF THEM TOO.

HE HAD A WHOLE BOWL,AND HE WAS LIKE THIS.

I GOT MAD 'CAUSE HE KEPT 'EMLIKE THIS.

SO I USED TO ALWAYS WANT TO MESSWITH THE PRIEST, YOU KNOW.

WHEN IT WAS MY TURN,

I'D GET TO THE FRONTOF THE LINE,

I'D BE LIKE, "AHHH.

[laughter]

"YOUR MOVE, HOLY MAN.

[laughter]

CHOOSE WISELY."

HE HAD A WHOLE BOWL.

I ALWAYS WANTEDTO, LIKE, GRAB THEM, YOU KNOW.

JUST GRAB THE BOWL, RUN HOME,AND, LIKE, ADD MILK,

LIKE, YOU KNOW.

EAT IT LIKE CHRIST CHEX.

[laughter]

THAT'D BE GREATIF THAT WAS A REAL CEREAL.

"START YOUR DAY OFF THE HOLY WAYWITH CHRIST CHEX.

IT'S A MIRACLE IN A BOWL."

OPEN UP THE BOX,IT'S LIKE, ♪ AAHH.

LITTLE ANGEL FLIES OUT.

"GOOD MORNING.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL."

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