Au Bon Panic

October 14, 2014 - Zach Galifianakis 10/14/2014 Views: 369,402

A nurse in Dallas, Texas, becomes the second person in the U.S. infected with Ebola, sending the media into another fear-mongering tailspin. (8:22)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, ZACHGALIFIANAKIS WILL BE JOINING US.

BUT THE REAL EXCITING NEWS ISPRADEEP IS HERE.

SHE MADE IT TO THE SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]WE HAD A GENTLEMAN IN THE

AUDIENCE WHO WAS WITH HIS WIFEOF 25 YEARS THAT CAME TO THE

SHOW. WE ONLY HAD ONETICKET WAS LEFT.

AND I BELIEVE, HERE'S MYIMPRESSION OF HIM AT THE TIME.

HA, I DON'T KNOW HER!

NOW THEY'RE BOTH HERE TOGETHER.

WE HAVE SAVED THEIRRELATIONSHIP.

AND WELL, I'M JUST DAMNEDHAPPY.

BUT -- FIRST IT'S TIME FOR ADAILY SHOW EBOLA UPDATE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY ARBYS.

ARBYS.

SEE? A LOT OF THINGS CAUSEDIARRHEA.

[LAUGHING]WE -- NO THAT'S, THERE'S REALLY

NO REASON FOR THAT.

ALL THEY DO IS SEND US PLATTERSOF FOOD.

THEY ARE THE LOVELIEST PEOPLE INTHE WORLD.

THERE'S JUST NO REASON FOR USDOING THIS.

BUT LET'S BEGIN IN DALLAS WHEREA NURSE AT TEXAS

HEALTH PRESBYTERIANHOSPITAL HAS CONTACTED EBOLA

FROM A WEST AFRICAN PATIENT.

>> THIS MORNING THIS QUAINTDALLAS COMMUNITY IS ON HIGH

ALERT AFTER NEIGHBORS LEARNEDTHEY'RE NOW LIVING IN A POSSIBLE

DANGER ZONE.

>> Jon: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.CLEANING GUYS?

YOU'RE DECONTAMINATING AHIGH ALERT EBOLA DANGER ZONE

AND YOU WENT WITH THECLEANING GUYS. WHAT HAPPENED?

WERE BROS WITH A HOSE NOTAVAILABLE?

WHAT WERE YOU DOINGTHERE?

ALRIGHT, I SHOULDN'T WORRY. YOUKNOW, AFTER ALL, LOOKS LIKE

THEY'RE A THOROUGHLYPROFESSIONAL OPERATION.

AND THEN THERE'S, OH HOLY[BLEEP]. LOOK OUT, THERE WAS A

HAIR PIN TURN, YOU TRIED TO SLOWDOWN! BUT I COULDN'T --

THERE GOES THE EBOLA ALL OVER --[LAUGHING]

NOW AS OF NOW THE NURSE WHOCONTACTED THIS RARE DISEASE

AFTER VERY CLOSE CONTACT WITHTHE ONLY KNOWN WEST AFRICAN

CARRIER OF THAT DISEASEIN OUR COUNTRY IS STABLE

AND DOING "WELL."THAT'S FROM HER.

OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY.

>> ANOTHER CASE OF EBOLA INAMERICA.

>> A NEW CASE OF BOWLA.

>> A TEXAS HEALTHCARE WORKERDOES HAVE EBOLA.

>> SHOCKING HOSPITAL OFFICIALS.

>> FEARS THAT EBOLA COULDSPREAD.

>> WELL, NOW I'M SCARED AGAIN.

>> THE CDC STILL DOESN'T KNOWTHE POINT OF CONTACT.

>> THE BIG QUESTION NOW IS HOWDID SHE GET IT?

>> HOW DID SHE GET IT?

>> HOW COULD SHE POSSIBLYCONTRACT EBOLA?

>> Jon: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUPEOPLE?

[LAUGHING]SHE WAS A NURSE.

IN THE EBOLA UNIT, SHE TOOK CAREOF THE EBOLA MAN.

[LAUGHING]WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW DID

SHE GET -- WAS IT A ZOLTAR WISHGONE AWRY?

WAS SHE AT AN EBOLA KEYPARTY.

DID SHE PEE IN A FOUNTAIN NEXTTO EBOLA?

FOR GOD'S SAKE. AND THEN THEYCHANGE --

[LAUGHING]THAT'S A SIX FOOT TALL CASE OF

EBOLA. ALRIGHT, SO,WE CAN'T COUNT ON THE NEWS MEDIA

TO TAKE A REASONED APPROACH.

SURELY, SURELY THEIR GRAPHICSDEPARTMENT WON'T LET US DOWN.

>> RIGHT NOW THERE ARE 48 PEOPLESTILL UNDER CLOSE WATCH WHO

WERE EXPOSED TO DUNCAN BEFOREHE WAS ISOLATED.

>> Jon: ALRIGHT.

WELL, SIR, THE BAD NEWS YOUHAVE EBOLA, THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU

HAVE A 30-FOOT PENIS.

IT'S RED.

ANYWAYS, OF COURSE, THE DISEASEMAY POSSIBLY SPREAD FROM THERE

AS THE LATEST VICTIM HASINTIMATE CONTACT WITH OTHERS.

FOR GOD'S SAKES!

OH MY GOD!

IT'S WHAT RICK SANTORUM ALWAYSWARNED US ABOUT.

ONCE WE SANCTIONED GAYMARRIAGE NOW MEN ARE GIVING DOGS

EBOLA IN THEIR BUTTS. I REALLYFEEL LIKE ALL OF THESE NEWS

ORGANIZATIONS SHOULD JUST HIRE ANINE-YEAR-OLD TO SIT IN THE

CONTROL ROOM AND GO THAT LOOKSLIKE A PENIS IN THE BUTT.

CLEARLY THE NEWS ANCHOR ISHAVING TROUBLE DRAWING THE

DISTINCTION BETWEEN A PERSONCONTRACTING THE DISEASE

AFTER WORKING IN CLOSE CONTACTWITH AN EBOLA PATIENT

AND THE INEVITABILITY ALL OF USGETTING IT NOW. RUN!

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,THERE HAVE BEEN EXPERTS ON YOUR

OWN CHANNELS TELLING YOU THATTHIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE.

>> YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO BEQUITE CLOSE AND IN QUITE INTENSE

CONTACT WITH SOMEBODY TO CATCHIT.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY VERY DIFFICULTTO CATCH EBOLA.

IT'S RELATIVELY HARD TO SPREAD.

>> IT CAN ONLY BE PASSED ONTHROUGH BODILY FLUIDS LIKE

BLOOD.

>> THE REALITY IS WE'RE JUSTHEARING ABOUT ISOLATED CASES.

IT'S NOT LIKE THERE ARE CLUSTERSOF PEOPLE COMING UP.

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE NOT A SCIENTIST.SCIENTISTS HAVE CRAZY HAIR AND

MUSTACHES AND WEAR GLASSES ANDLAB COATS. AND THEY'RE SO BUSY

AND ABSENT-MINDED THEY'LL JUSTPUT ANY OLD TIE ON.

COULD BE A BOW TIE FOR ALL IKNOW. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY'RE DOING. THEY'RE ALWAYSTHINKING WITH THE --

THOSE GUYS, IF THOSE GUYSSAY IT'S OKAY -- FIND

ME ONE OF THOSE GUYS!

>> IT'S REALLY NOT GREAT CAUSEFOR CONCERN.

IT'S ALSO NOT VERY EASY TOTRANSMIT.

[LAUGHING][LAUGHING]

>> Jon: TOUCHE.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVETO GO BACK TO THE FLUBBER --

THESE - THESE EXPERTS ARE SOBORING.

ISN'T THERE SOMEONE WHO ISTECHNICALLY A DOCTOR

BUT WILL VALIDATE OUR HYSTERIA.

>> MY NEXT GUEST WROTE APROPHETIC BOOK ON EBOLA WAY BACK

IN 1987. ROBIN COOK'SBESTSELLING THRILLER "OUTBREAK"

IS A FICTIONAL VERSION OF ANEBOLA OUTBREAK IN AMERICA.

>> Jon: THAT WAS FICTION.

BUT FIRST THIS WEATHER REPORTFROM THE WRITER OF "SHARKNADO."

SO WE'VE HEARD FROM EXPERTS WHOSAY THIS IS A DANGEROUS BUT

MANAGEABLE SITUATION.

NOW LET'S HEAR FROM THEOPPOSITE OF AN EXPERT.

A CONGRESSMAN.

>> WE ARE ONCE AGAIN ASKING THEADMINISTRATION TO REESTABLISH A

VIEW POINT ABOUT STOPPING THESEFLIGHTS TO THE UNITED STATES,

DALLAS, TEXAS, IS REELING FROMTHIS PROBLEM.

THAT NEEDS TO BE HANDLED WHEREIT IS, IN AFRICA.

>> Jon: THAT'S CONGRESSMAN PETESESSIONS, A REPUBLICAN FROM

TEXAS SUGGESTING WE CLOSEAFRICA'S DOOR AND HOPE

WHEN IT COMES OUT HOWEVERMANY WEEKS LATER

IT FEELS BETTER.

BUT HE MAKES A VALID IFHEARTLESS POINT.

WHY NOT JUST STOP LETTING PEOPLEFROM AFRICA FLY TO HERE?

>> IF PEOPLE CAN'T LEAVE THECOUNTRY BY AIR AND PEOPLE

ARE SICK. WHAT ARETHEY GOING TO DO?

THEY'RE GOING TO START GOINGINTO OTHER COUNTRIES BY LAND.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE HARDER TOTRACE.

CONTRACT TRACE. WHICHWE KNOW IS THE TRIED AND TRUE

WAY OF STEMMING AN OUTBREAK.

>> Jon: OH RIGHT. QUARANTININGALL OF WEST AFRICA WOULD

PROBABLY MAKE THE SITUATIONWORSE. WHICH TO BE FAIR TO

CONGRESS IS WHAT THEY'REACCUSTOMED TO DOING.

>> I'M A MEMBER OF CONGRESS FROMDALLAS, TEXAS, AND THE UNITED

STATES OF AMERICA.

AND MY JOB IS TO SPEAK FOR ANDTO HELP PROTECT AMERICANS.

>> Jon: THAT SOUNDS CALLOUS. BUTTHE VOTERS OF DALLAS DID ELECT

HIM ON THE SLOGAN, SESSIONSFOR CONGRESS, [BEEP] ALL Y'ALL.

[LAUGHING]BUT AGAIN CONGRESSMAN,

PERHAPS YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.

SANJAY GUPTA SAID THAT THATWOULD NOT PROTECT AMERICANS.

IT WOULD INCREASE THE RAGINGEPIDEMIC IN AFRICA AND MAKE IT

HARDER TO TRACK THEM. IT WOULDMAKE IT WORSE.

OH, MY GOD. DO YOU KNOW WHATTHIS MEANS?

CONGRESSMAN SESSIONS IS CARRYINGA DANGEROUSLY MUTATED

SANITY RESISTANT STRAIN OFFEAR THAT HAS GONE AIRBORNE.

BUT PERHAPS HE'S RIGHT. ARETHERE OTHER REGIONS SUFFERING

FROM DISEASE OUTBREAKS AND POORMEDICAL INFRASTRUCTURE

THAT AMERICA SHOULD SHIELDITSELF FROM?

>> TEXAS HAS THE MOST NUMBER OFUNINSURED AMERICANS IN THE

WHOLE COUNTRY.>> IN TEXAS MORE THAN

32,000 PARENTS OPTED OUT OF ATLEAST ONE VACCINE.

>> TEXAS REFUSED THE MEDICADEEXPANSION, TURNING AWAY

$100 BILLION IN FEDERAL FUNDS.

>> THE FLU OUT BREAK IN TEXAS.

>> A MEASLES OUTBREAK INTEXAS.

>> 2,000 PEOPLE IN TEXASHAD WHOOPING COUGH.

>> IT'S AN EPIDEMIC IN TEXAS.

[LAUGHING]>> Jon: ALRIGHT, TEXAS, HERE'S

THE DEAL.

WE CAN BUILD THAT BORDER FENCEYOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.

WE'RE JUST GOING TO DO IT ALITTLE FARTHER NORTH.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.