Patton Oswalt - God Bless America

  • Season 1 , Ep 8
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 8,773

War reporters hate mayonnaise on their sandwiches. (1:36)

(Patton Oswalt)WE'RE AT WAR, RIGHT?

I'M ONLY SAYING WE'RE ATWAR BECAUSE I TURNED ON

CNN LAST WEEK AND THEREWAS A GREEN CITY ON TV.

WHENEVER YOU TURN ON CNNAND THERE'S A GREEN CITY

WITH WHITE DOTS OVERIT, YOU'RE LIKE,

OH, OH, I GUESSWE NEED OIL.

HEY, HONEY, WE SHOULDGO FILL THE CAR UP.

THESE WAR REPORTERS TOO, FORCNN, THEY TRY TO MAKE OUT

LIKE THEY'RE STILL THATWHOLE EDWARD MURROW--

I'M IN LONDON WHILETHEY'RE BOMBING US.

OR... I'M IN THEJUNGLES OF VIETNAM.

THESE GUYS ARE IN A DAYS INNMILES AWAY FROM THE SHELLING,

STILL TRYING TO COME ON LIKETHEY'RE KING SWAGGER (bleep).

YEAH, I'M IN THEMIDDLE OF THE WAR.

LOOK OUT!

AND THESE GUYS TRYTO PLAY IT UP, LIKE,

YES, WE'RE-WE'REIN THE DAYS INN.

THE SHELLING HAS STARTED.

WE'VE LOSTSPECTRA-VISION, BERNIE!

WE HAVE... UH... I'M NOT...

I DON'T KNOW HOW"BLADE" ENDS.

WESLEY WAS FIGHTING THEVAMPIRES, AND HE LOOKED

LIKE HE WAS DOINGWELL, BUT WHO KNOWS?

IT'S JUST... IT'SPURE HELL, BERNIE.

IT IS PURE...

BLACK IS WHITE,WHITE IS BLACK.

IT'S CHAOS.

I ORDERED A-A SANDWICH.

I SPECIFICALLY SAID"NO MAYONNAISE."

THE SANDWICH CAMESLATHERED, BERNIE...

"SLATHERED" IS THEONLY WORD I CAN USE

FOR THE AMOUNT OF MAYONNAISE!

WE-WE SENT IT BACK.

WE-WE SENT IT BACK.

WE'RE PRAYING THAT...

PLEASE KEEP US INYOUR PRAYERS...

THAT THE SANDWICH WILL COMEBACK WITH NO MAYONNAISE.

MUSTARD ON THE SIDE, IKNOW, IS WAY TOO MUCH

TO HOPE FOR, BUT JUST THENO MAYONNAISE WOULD GIVE ME

SOME SEMBLANCE OF SANITY.

BERNIE, THESANDWICHES ARE HERE.

THEY'RE WHEELINGTHE SANDWICHES IN.

WE'RE GOING TO...

THERE IS NO MAYONNAISEON MY SANDWICH, BERNIE!

THERE IS NO MAYONNAISE!

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

(Nick)HEY, YOU EVER THINK WESHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING

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