Amy Schumer - God Is Not the Father

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 01/29/2010
  • Views: 29,906

Amy Schumer's family shares a universal love for Maury Povich's baby daddy shows. (3:03)

EVERYTHING, BUT THE ONE THINGWE HAVE IN COMMON--

WE ALL HAVE THE SAMEFAVORITE SHOW--

MAURY POVICH'SBABY DADDY SHOWS.

(cheers and applause)YEAH, CLAP IF YOU HAVE TO.I UNDERSTAND.

MAKES YOU FEEL GOODABOUT YOURSELF, RIGHT?

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

AND I'VE COME UP WITH THE BESTIDEA FOR AN EPISODE

BASED ON MY FAMILY.

PICTURE IF YOU WILL,HALF THE CROWD, ALL PRIESTS,

HALF, ALL RABBIS, OKAY?

ON THE PANEL WE'VE GOTJESUS CHRIST,

WE'VE GOT MARY,WE'VE GOT JOSEPH.

MAURY COMES OUT.

"IN THE CASEOF JESUS CHRIST...

GOD IS...

NOT THE FATHER!"

AND ALL THE JEWS ARE LIKE--(cheers)

AND THE PRIESTS ARE LIKE,"BOO!"

AND JOSEPH'S LIKE,"YOU WHORE."

AND MARY'S LIKE,"MM..."

PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?(applause)

PRETTY GOOD.

UH, THAT SHOW DOES NOT MAKE MELOOK FORWARD TO GETTING MARRIED.

ALL MY FRIENDSARE GETTING MARRIED.

I GUESS, I'M JUST AT THE AGEWHERE PEOPLE GIVE UP, BUT, UM...

(laughter)

I'M JUST LIKE, THE ONLY RINGTHAT I'M INTERESTED IN RIGHT NOW

IS THE NuvaRing, BUT, UM,IT FITS PERFECT.

(laughter)

THE NuvaRing DOES NOT PROTECTYOU AGAINST DISEASES.

I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY.

AND I, UH--IT'S A SCARY TIME.

NO ONE'S SAFE,NOT EVEN PETS.

I FEEL LIKEWHEN WE WERE YOUNGER--

WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER,IF YOUR PET DIED,

IT MEANT IT GOT HITBY A CAR, RIGHT?

BUT NOW THEY'RE DYING OF ALLTHESE SOPHISTICATED DISEASES.

LIKE, MY FRIEND KRISTEN,HER CAT JUST DIED.

SO I CALLED, I'M LIKE,"HEY, CHRIS, SO SORRY.

HEARD ABOUT AL ROKER,"HER CAT'S NAME.

(laughter)

I'M JUST LIKE,"WHAT HAPPENED, CAR?"

SHE'S LIKE, "AIDS."

(laughter)

I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOUR CAT WAS GAY."

LIKE, WHAT...(laughter)

I KNOW THAT ALL GAY CATSDON'T HAVE AIDS,

BUT, UH...(laughter)

MOST DO.NO, I, UH...

IT'S A SCARY TIME OUT THERETO BE DATING.

AND YOU KNOW WHATI'VE REALIZED ABOUT MEN?

NOT GOOD AT PLANNING,WE KNOW THIS.

MEN ARE TERRIBLE AT PLANNING.

UNLESS IT'S FOR A THREESOME.

(laughter)

THEN THEY BECOME...EVENT PLANNERS.

I'M LIKE,"YOU BOUGHT PLACECARDS?"

UH...HE'S LIKE,"AND I'LL HANDLE THE MUSIC."

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T THINKSHE WANTS TO HEAR

THE 'BRAVEHEART' SOUNDTRACK."

UH,BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

I JUST GOT BROKEN UP WITH.I WAS DATING A MIME.

THANK YOU, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWHE WAS A MIME AT FIRST.

I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS, LIKE,PALE AND QUIET.

I'M LIKE,"HE JUST LIKES THE CURE,

YOU GUYS DON'T GET HIM,"BUT, UH...

(laughter)

IT WAS HARD.

I JUST, LIKE,COULDN'T GET CLOSE TO HIM.

IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS, UH,LIKE A WALL.

(laughter)

IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME,AND IT WAS IN PUBLIC.

AND HE WAS JUST LIKE...

(laughter)

I'M LIKE,"CAN I KEEP THE BERET?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

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