Nick DiPaolo - Airport Security

  • Season 6 , Ep 7
  • 06/02/2002
  • Views: 3,998

Do not help old women on airplanes. (2:05)

SECURITY PEOPLE ARE COMPLAINING

BUT I DON'T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE.

I BEEN FLYING FOR THREE MONTHS.

THEY BUSTED ONE PERSONS BALLS,

LIKE A 90 YEAR OLD LADY IN A

WHEELCHAIR.

THEY WERE HASSLING HER, I'M

LIKE, YEAH, LIKE SHE'S A THREAT.

THE GUY NEXT TO ME GOES, "HOW DO

YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT A THREAT?"

I GO, "SHE'S GOT THE DIAPER

AROUND HER ASS NOT HER HEAD.

WHY DON'T WE START THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

OUR ATTITUDES HAVEN'T CHANGED

FLYING AT ALL EITHER, MAN.

WE'RE STILL SELFISH ON THE

PLANE.

I'M ON A PLANE TO SAN FRANCISCO

LAST WEEK, THE PILOT COMES ON HE

GOES, "AH, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH ENGINE NUMBER TWO.

THERE'S GOING TO BE ABOUT

A 45 MINUTE DELAY."

EVERY BODY ON THE PLANE GOES,

"COME ON, LET'S GO!"

"OKAY, LET'S TAKE OFF WITH THAT

SCREW MISSING IN ENGINE NUMBER

TWO SO I CAN BE SITTING IN A

CORN FIELD IN NEBRASKA THREE

HOURS FROM NOW WITH BURNT BALLS

AND A BAG OF PEANUTS 'CAUSE YOU

WERE LATE FOR YOUR AMWAY MEETING

IN SYRACUSE."

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT A MISERABLE FLIGHT

ON THE WAY BACK HERE FROM

SAN FRANCISCO.

THREE SCREAMING BABIES BEHIND ME

ON THE PLANE.

NOT ONE, (BLEEP) THREE.

I HAD TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR

ALMOST SIX HOURS, "WAAAW, WAAAW,

WAAAW, WAW, WAAW."

BUT I COULDN'T HAVE A CIGARETTE

BECAUSE IT BOTHERS OTHER PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT HASN'T CHANGED.

I SAID TO A LADY, "YOU CAN HAVE

A SCREAMING BABY ON YOUR LAP

BUT I CAN'T HAVE A CIGARETTE?"

"WELL, SECONDARY SMOKE WILL KILL

YOU, MY SONS SCREAMING NOT GOING

TO SEND YOU TO A PREMATURE

DEATH."

I SAID, "I'M PRETTY SURE KILLING

A KID IS A CAPITAL OFFENSE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HAVE TO BE NICE ON A PLANE.

I HELPED AN OLD LADY WITH HER

LUGGAGE ON THE FLIGHT.

DON'T DO THAT, YOU BECOME HER

BITCH FOR THE REST OF THE

FLIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE WAS OLD, MAN, SHE WAS IN HER

LATE 100s.

SHE HAD NO CALCIUM IN HER BONES,

SHE HAD THE POSTURE OF A

JUMBO SHRIMP.

SOMEBODY DIP HER IN BATTER.

LOOK AT HER SCURRY.

COME BACK HERE, MISS TEMPURA.

SHE TRIED TO GRAB ONE OF HER

BAGS OFF OF THE CARROUSEL, HER

ARM SNAPPED OFF AT THE ELBOW.

IT WAS LIKE A BLOODY STUMP STUCK

IN A GUCCI BAG CIRCLING THE

AIRPORT.

(LAUGHTER)

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