Jeff Caldwell - Computer Illiterate

Season 1, Ep 0101 08/31/2006 Views: 6,711

Jeff Caldwell is not good with computers. (2:07)

You probably have to worktomorrow, many of you.

I, uh... I used to have a job,a real job.

I used to be a civil engineer,but, you know... well.

( light applause )

That rarely gets applause.

Thank you. Yeah.

People begin to talk afteryour third bridge falls down.

They, uh...( laughter )

They say, you know, it may notbe just the drinking anymore.

( laughter )

"This kid may not have it."

Guilty. You got me.Fair enough.

You know you're not mechanicalenough to be an engineer

when you use a screwdriverand you have to say,

"Lefty loosy, righty tighty."

( laughter )

I was not good with computers,I remain not good.

I had to call up the techsupport guy this week,

get some help withthe home computer.

He starts asking me questions.

"What kind of operating systemhave you got there, sir?"

"Oh, uh..."

"Electricity, I think,it's, uh..."

( laughter )

"Yeah, I been plugging inmy wall,

I been having some luckwith that."

( laughter )

"I don't know, I called you,do you remember?"

"I, uh...

"just want to knowwhy the printer sucks in

40 sheets at a time,that's..."

Kind of cuts your efficiency,

we have to pinchthe other 39 sheets,

and let the one go throughand do it again--

it's embarrassing.

I riffle, it does no good.

Stuff doesn't work.

I tried to call Information.

It's not a person anymore,

it's a computer tryingto decipher what I say,

and that technology is notfinished quite yet.

( laughter )

Lost my credit card, took likefour times to get the number.

"What listing?"

"American Express."

"The toll free numberfor America West Airlines is..."

( laughter )

( growls )

What if you need somethingimportant in a hurry?

"Suicide Hotline."

"The number forSusan Huntly is..."

( laughter )

"Susan, you don't know me..."

( laughter )

"...but I'm really down."

"Put on a pot of coffee, Sue,we're going to talk this out."

"Hello? Hello, Susan?Hello? Don't hang up!"

( laughter )