Maria Bamford - Fear of Relationships

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 03/31/2011
  • Views: 29,092

Maria Bamford's been told to look out for red flags in relationships, but what if she's one giant red flag factory? (3:06)

I FEEL A RELATIONSHIPCOMING ON.

I, UH--GETTING READY FOR IT.

I USED TO BE AFRAID OF,YOU KNOW, RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU KNOW,SOMEBODY'D ASKED ME OUT,

I'D SAY, "JUST TAKE MY PURSE.DON'T HURT ME."

"NO, I WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU.""I HAVE NOTHING OF VALUE!"

(laughter)

"OH, I JUST WANNA GET TO--""WHO SENT YOU?"

I HAVE--I GET JEALOUS OF PEOPLEWHO ARE REALLY CONFIDENT

IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS,YOU KNOW,

PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE,"YEAH, WE BOTH MET.

WE BOTH JUST KINDA KNEW."

(shuddering groan)

SO YOU DON'T EVER--

YOU DON'T EVER FIGHTABOUT ANYTHING?

"OH... (laughs)

HE DOESN'T LIKE ONIONS."

(laughter)

(groans)

YOU NEVER HAD ANY ISSUESYOU HAD TO WORK THROUGH

WITH, LIKE,A FREAKING WORKBOOK?

YOU KNOW, IF I WERE YOU,I'D WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS.

OH, O-OKAY.

BUT WHAT IF I'M LIKEA FLAG FACTORY

THAT ONLY MANUFACTURESGIANT RED FLAGS?

(imitates flag flapping)

"MAYBE YOU NEED TO LEARNTO BE THE ONE

BEFORE YOU MEET THE ONE."

WAS THAT BOB DYLAN?

(laughter)

"HEY, GOOD LUCK."

YEAH.

GOOD LUCKWITH WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

MERLIN THE MAGICIAN WITH YOURBOOK OF SPELLS AND POTIONS!

(laughter)

DATING ON THE INTERNET,I ALWAYS GET INTIMIDATED

'CAUSE SOME OF THE GUYSARE SO ACTIVE ON THERE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE,YOU KNOW,

"I CAN STRAP ON A CUMMERBUND

"AND GO TO THEDINNER PARTY BALLET STEAKHOUSE

"OR I CAN HOG-TIE US BOTHAND RIDE THE RAILS.

"I WORK HARD. I PLAY HARDER.I'LL REST WHEN I'M DEAD.

I'LL REST WHEN I'M TEDAND I'LL NEVER BE THAT GUY!"

(laughter)

"GOT YOUR PASSPORT?LET'S GO PARASAIL-GLIDE-BIKING."

TRYING TO BE HONESTWITH WHO I AM.

MY CURRENT AD READS"I CAN WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT

"FOR FIVE DAYS OR I CAN CROUCHNAKED IN THE SHOWER

AND GET REAL SMALL."

(laughter)

"I SLEEP HARD,I DREAM HARDER!"

(laughter)

"I'M ON A 20-MILE-HIGHROLLER COASTER

"WITH MY DOGS AND KOFI ANNAN.

I'LL WAKE UP WHEN IT'S TIME!"

(laughter)

"GOT YOUR LIBRARY CARD?

"LET'S GO PAY OFFSOME OF MY FINES.

'CAUSE I DON'T BORROW BOOKS.I LEASE."

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