Billy Gardell - Step-Fathers

  • Season 12 , Ep 23
  • 06/06/2008
  • Views: 6,005

By the third step-father, I had it all figured out. (1:53)

PROBABLY FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY.

WORKED OUT FOR MY DAD.

FOR MY MOM,IT WAS A TOUGHER PASS.

SHE HAD THREE KIDS IN TOW,OVER 35 --

YOU AIN'T EXACTLY GETTING THECREAM OF THE DATING CROP, RIGHT?

SO, WE HAD TO ENDURESOME STEPFATHERS.

I TELL PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES

THAT MY MOMWAS MARRIED THREE TIMES.

THEY GO,"OH, YOU'RE SO DYSFUNCTIONAL."

NO, I'M WELL-ADJUSTED,

'CAUSE BY THE THIRD FATHER,I WAS LIKE,

"SHUT UP...AND GET ME A BEER."

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

BUT FOR MY DAD,IT WORKED OUT, MAN.

HE GOT REMARRIED,

STAYED REMARRIEDTO THE SAME WOMAN 31 YEARS.

A MAN WHO HAS BEEN MARRIEDFOR 30 YEARS

GETS TO SAY STUFF TO HIS WIFE

THAT A MAN WHO'S ONLYBEEN MARRIED A COUPLE YEARS

WILL GET HIS TEETHKNOCKED OUT FOR.

HERE'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE.

WE'RE AT MY DAD'S HOUSEFOR SUMMER VACATION LAST YEAR.

EVERYBODY'S IN THE POOLHAVING A GOOD TIME.

MY DAD'S WORKINGTHE HAMBURGER GRILL AND SMOKING.

SO, HIS WIFE STARTS,"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SMOKING

"IN FRONT OF THESEBRAND-NEW GRANDBABIES!

"THIS IS THE MOST MAGICAL TIMEIN YOUR LIFE!

"YOU WORKED 35 YEARS TO RETIRE,THIS IS HOW YOU SPEND IT --

"TAKING 7 MINUTESAT A TIME OFF YOUR LIFE,

NOT TO MENTION THE CARCINOGENSYOU'RE PUTTING IN THE AIR?"

HE DON'T SAY A WORD,JUST KEEPS WORKING THE BURGERS.

HE LETS HER GET IT ALL OUT,THEN HE LOOKS AT HER AND GOES,

"SEE? THAT'S WHYNOBODY LIKES YOU."

[ AUDIENCE OHHs ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I STOOD THERE IN AWE.

I SAID, "DAD,HOW LONG YOU GOT TO BE MARRIED

BEFORE YOU CAN SAYSOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

HE GOES, "YOU GOT TO BEALL DONE [BLEEP] KID."

AND THEN HE LOOKED AT MEAND GOES,

"IT'S WORTH THE WAIT, BOY,IT'S WORTH THE WAIT."

YOU GUYS WERE WONDERFUL.THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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