PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I SHOULD

TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY ON STAGE

'CAUSE IT'S INTERESTING TO THEM.

BUT IT'S MOSTLY STUFF I'D RATHER

FORGET 'CAUSE I COME FROM A BIG

FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

TWELVE KIDS IN MY FAMILY.

WHENEVER I TELL THAT TO PEOPLE,

THEY ALWAYS GO, "WOW, 12 KIDS.

WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?"

HORRIBLE, A LOT OF PEOPLE NOT

ENOUGH FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY TRY TO MAKE IT NICE.

THEY GO, "WELL, YOU LEARN A LOT

ABOUT LIFE GROWIN' UP IN A BIG

FAMILY, DON'T YA?"

YEAH, I LEARNED I'M REPLACEABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE IF I DIED, IF MY MOM WOULD

BE SITTIN' AROUND WITH ALL MY

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, "OH, NO!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW WITH JUST

THE 11 OF YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU FILL THE EMPTY 1/12th

OF YOUR HEART?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND MY PARENTS WERE GREAT

PARENTS, THEY RAISED 12 KIDS,

GOD BLESS 'EM.

I CAN'T EVEN TEACH MY DOG

TO SIT.

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

BUT THEY WOULD HIT US FOR

DISCIPLINE, YOU KNOW 'CAUSE

WE GREW UP REALLY POOR.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW,

BUT POOR PEOPLE BEAT THE [BLEEP]

OUT OF EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S OUR MAJOR MOTIVATIONAL

TOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

WORKS FOR EVERYTHING.

"GO TO SCHOOL!

DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

SIT UP STRAIGHT!"

CAN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?

[LAUGHTER]

"DON'T TALK BACK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HIT YA TO GO TO SLEEP.

"GO TO SLEEP!"

OH, NOTHIN' MAKES YA SLEEPIER

THAN A GOOD CRACK.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M SLEEPY NOW.

IF I WAKE UP, TAKE A SWING AT

ME.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME

WOOZY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I HATED GETTIN' HIT AS A

KID, BUT WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?

YOU KNOW WE ALL GET THROUGH IT.

AND NOW AS A GROWNUP, IF SOMEONE

HITS THEIR KID IN FRONT OF ME

IT'S ALWAYS AWKWARD.

I NEVER KNOW IF I SHOULD SAY

SOMETHIN'.

LIKE I WAS IN AN AIRLINE

TERMINAL ONE TIME, THIS LADY'S

HITTIN' HER KID.

HE WAS LIKE FIVE.

SHE WAS HITTIN' HIM THEN SHE

STARTS SWEARIN'.

I FINALLY GO, "HEY, CUT IT OUT,

WHAT ARE YA DOIN'?"

SHE GOES, "NO, YOU GOTTA HIT

'EM.

MAKES 'EM GOOD PEOPLE."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH?

HOW MANY PUNCHES WOULD IT TAKE

TO MAKE YOU A DECENT HUMAN

BEING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TURNS OUT 80.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND NOW I GO TO SOME OF MY

BROTHERS' HOUSES, SOME OF MY

BROTHERS HIT THEIR KIDS, WHICH

IS WEIRD.

I GO, "TONY, DON'T YOU REMEMBER

HOW MUCH YOU HATED THAT?"

HE GOES, "NO, IT'S OKAY TO HIT

'EM IF YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

I READ IT IN A BOOK."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THINKIN' WOW, WHAT A WEIRD

TIME TO START READING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER HEAR PEOPLE GIVE THAT

ADVICE?

"IF YOU'RE GONNA HIT YOUR KIDS,

MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

THAT'S WHEN IT'S WRONG.

DON'T CROSS THE LINE.

DON'T BE ANGRY IF YOU HIT 'EM."

OF COURSE YOU'RE ANGRY, THAT'S

A PROPER EMOTION THAT GOES WITH

HITTING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND OF A NAZI TRICK ARE

YOU SUPPOSED TO PULL OFF,

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, WHO IS SITTIN' AROUND

LAUGHIN' THEIR ASS OFF AND THEN

THEY DECIDE TO START BEATIN'

THE HELL OUT OF THEIR OWN KID?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

YOU WANNA SCREW A KID UP,

GIGGLE WHILE YOU'RE HITTING 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

[HITTING SOUND]

[GIGGLES]

I MEAN, HOW DOES THAT WORK

EXACTLY?

"OH, YOU DID IT THIS TIME,

BUDDY!

YOU WAIT TILL I'M IN A GOOD

MOOD!"

[LAUGHTER]