PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I SHOULD
TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY ON STAGE
'CAUSE IT'S INTERESTING TO THEM.
BUT IT'S MOSTLY STUFF I'D RATHER
FORGET 'CAUSE I COME FROM A BIG
FAMILY, YOU KNOW?
TWELVE KIDS IN MY FAMILY.
WHENEVER I TELL THAT TO PEOPLE,
THEY ALWAYS GO, "WOW, 12 KIDS.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?"
HORRIBLE, A LOT OF PEOPLE NOT
ENOUGH FOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK.
[LAUGHTER]
THEN THEY TRY TO MAKE IT NICE.
THEY GO, "WELL, YOU LEARN A LOT
ABOUT LIFE GROWIN' UP IN A BIG
FAMILY, DON'T YA?"
YEAH, I LEARNED I'M REPLACEABLE.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE IF I DIED, IF MY MOM WOULD
BE SITTIN' AROUND WITH ALL MY
BROTHERS AND SISTERS, "OH, NO!
WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW WITH JUST
THE 11 OF YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
HOW DO YOU FILL THE EMPTY 1/12th
OF YOUR HEART?"
[LAUGHTER]
AND MY PARENTS WERE GREAT
PARENTS, THEY RAISED 12 KIDS,
GOD BLESS 'EM.
I CAN'T EVEN TEACH MY DOG
TO SIT.
[APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
BUT THEY WOULD HIT US FOR
DISCIPLINE, YOU KNOW 'CAUSE
WE GREW UP REALLY POOR.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW,
BUT POOR PEOPLE BEAT THE [BLEEP]
OUT OF EACH OTHER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S OUR MAJOR MOTIVATIONAL
TOOL.
[LAUGHTER]
WORKS FOR EVERYTHING.
"GO TO SCHOOL!
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
SIT UP STRAIGHT!"
CAN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?
[LAUGHTER]
"DON'T TALK BACK."
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
HIT YA TO GO TO SLEEP.
"GO TO SLEEP!"
OH, NOTHIN' MAKES YA SLEEPIER
THAN A GOOD CRACK.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I'M SLEEPY NOW.
IF I WAKE UP, TAKE A SWING AT
ME.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME
WOOZY.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
AND I HATED GETTIN' HIT AS A
KID, BUT WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW WE ALL GET THROUGH IT.
AND NOW AS A GROWNUP, IF SOMEONE
HITS THEIR KID IN FRONT OF ME
IT'S ALWAYS AWKWARD.
I NEVER KNOW IF I SHOULD SAY
SOMETHIN'.
LIKE I WAS IN AN AIRLINE
TERMINAL ONE TIME, THIS LADY'S
HITTIN' HER KID.
HE WAS LIKE FIVE.
SHE WAS HITTIN' HIM THEN SHE
STARTS SWEARIN'.
I FINALLY GO, "HEY, CUT IT OUT,
WHAT ARE YA DOIN'?"
SHE GOES, "NO, YOU GOTTA HIT
'EM.
MAKES 'EM GOOD PEOPLE."
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YEAH?
HOW MANY PUNCHES WOULD IT TAKE
TO MAKE YOU A DECENT HUMAN
BEING.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
TURNS OUT 80.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
AND NOW I GO TO SOME OF MY
BROTHERS' HOUSES, SOME OF MY
BROTHERS HIT THEIR KIDS, WHICH
IS WEIRD.
I GO, "TONY, DON'T YOU REMEMBER
HOW MUCH YOU HATED THAT?"
HE GOES, "NO, IT'S OKAY TO HIT
'EM IF YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.
I READ IT IN A BOOK."
[LAUGHTER]
I'M THINKIN' WOW, WHAT A WEIRD
TIME TO START READING.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU EVER HEAR PEOPLE GIVE THAT
ADVICE?
"IF YOU'RE GONNA HIT YOUR KIDS,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.
THAT'S WHEN IT'S WRONG.
DON'T CROSS THE LINE.
DON'T BE ANGRY IF YOU HIT 'EM."
OF COURSE YOU'RE ANGRY, THAT'S
A PROPER EMOTION THAT GOES WITH
HITTING.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT KIND OF A NAZI TRICK ARE
YOU SUPPOSED TO PULL OFF,
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WHO IS SITTIN' AROUND
LAUGHIN' THEIR ASS OFF AND THEN
THEY DECIDE TO START BEATIN'
THE HELL OUT OF THEIR OWN KID?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
YOU WANNA SCREW A KID UP,
GIGGLE WHILE YOU'RE HITTING 'EM.
[LAUGHTER]
[HITTING SOUND]
[GIGGLES]
I MEAN, HOW DOES THAT WORK
EXACTLY?
"OH, YOU DID IT THIS TIME,
BUDDY!
YOU WAIT TILL I'M IN A GOOD
MOOD!"
[LAUGHTER]