and it's an accomplishmentI've just made in my life,
and I want to share itwith you.
I'm very proud of this.
My dad has been nagging meand nagging me
about quitting smoking.
So finally, I punched himin the (bleep) throat.
No, you got to wait,
you got to wait, all right?
Leave me alone.
My, uh... Oh, I'm getting atattoo, by the way.
That's something we canget excited about.
I'm getting another tattoo.
But here's the thing, I'mgetting older now,
so I don't want to get a tattooI'm going to regret,
'cause I know tattoosare forever.
So that's why I've decided
I'm going to geta very classy tattoo.
I'm going to get a bowtieon my neck.
'Cause number one-- it'll match
my suspenders tattoothat I already have.
But more importantly,with a bowtie tattoo
I'm going to look dressed upwhen I'm naked.
So after sex,I'll get to do this.
(laughter and applause)
Last week I went outwith a lovely lady.
And I used the date rape drugfor the first time.
But you know what...
it just made me really tired,like...
I'm not taking thatpill again, like...
Partway through the dateI'm getting drowsy.
I'm not going to getany raping done like this.
Um, I'm ending a friendship.
Uh, this girl I know, uh,
she moved to England for threemonths, right?
That's it-- she was only therefor three months.
She's been back for overa year now,
and she is still speaking withher acquired British accent.
Which is annoying,if you know anyone like that.
Um, but here's the thing.I looked it up...
I don't know if you know anyonethat's ever gone to England
and come back with the accent.
I looked it up. Did you knowthat it's actually a condition?
Yeah, she's retarded.
(laughter)I had no idea.
Sad, sad.And she's faking the accent.
I can provethat she's faking it.
Anyone that goes to England,
comes back with that coolaccent, they're faking it.
And here's how I can prove it.
Because I traveled for threemonths once,
but when I got back,this didn't happen.
"Hey, Jon, welcome home, buddy.Tell us, how was China?"
(Chinese accent): "Oh, you know,it good time for sure, yeah.
"You need to go for long time.
"You want see whole Great Wall.It's huge, it goes forever.
"Anyway, I need to go.Can you drive?
I'm no good no more."
Oh, my God.
You people are racist.
Um, if I say anything racist,by the way,
just let me know, okay-K-K?
And then we're completelyin the clear.