T.J. Miller - Cool Beans

T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Season 1, Ep 101 11/12/2011 Views: 11,383

If you think it's fun to say "cool beans" or "that's so random," T.J. Miller will not be your friend. (2:23)

Watch Full Episode

THAT WE'LL NEVER BEGOOD FRIENDS

BECAUSE OFSOMETHING THAT THEY SAY,

LIKE IF WHEN YOU LIKE SOMETHINGYOU SAY "COOL BEANS."

LIKE, "COOL BEANS!

THAT'S COOL BEANS!"

THEN US BEING GOOD FRIENDSIS NOT "COOL BEANS" WITH ME.

IF YOU STILL THINK IT'S FUNNYTO SAY "GUESS WHAT?

CHICKEN BUTT!"

GUESS WHAT?WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

YOU SAY,"THAT IS SO RANDOM.

HOW RANDOM IS THAT?THAT IS, LIKE, SO RANDOM."

YOU'RE RIGHT,THAT'S VERY RANDOM,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'SCONSISTENT?

THE FACT THATWE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

AND IF WE'RE IN THE CARAND YOU SAY,

"OOH, LOOK AT THE CLOCK!

"IT'S 11:11!MAKE A WISH!"

AND 30 SECONDS LATER,YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,

MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE

AND WE'LLNEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

I LIKE TO GO UP TO GIRLSSOMETIMES AND GO LIKE THIS...

"SO SARAH AND I WERE--

"EXCUSE ME.

"MY EYES ARE UP HERE.

"THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE,THEY'RE UP HERE.

"I KNOW I HAVE GLITTERHERE, YOU LOOK UP HERE.

NOW SLAP IT."

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION FORMARIJUANA IN LOS ANGELES.

(cheering)

IT'S FOR ANXIETY.

PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUT GETTINGARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M TALKING TOA GUY WITH A SHORT-MAN COMPLEX--

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS WITHA NAPOLEON COMPLEX

THAT WON'T LET YOUGET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?

WHEN I'M LISTENING TO THEM,I LIKE TO GO LIKE THIS.

"UH-HUH.

"SURE... REALLY?

"OKAY.

"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

"NO.

"AND WHERE WAS SARAH?

"WHAT'D SHE SAY?

"NO!

"TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.

"REALLY?

UH-UH."

AND THEN WHEN I'M SHORTER THANTHEM, I JUST GO,

"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"

AND I PUNCHTHEM IN THE DICK.

(cheers and applause)THAT JOKE'S EVEN BETTERON PAPER.