("Hail to the Chief")

- Good evening my fellow Americans.

Now with me as always is my anger translator, Luther.

- Hi.

- Now, conventional season is over,

and campaigning has begun in earnest.

- Clint Eastwood, motherfuckers!

We ain't done talkingabout this here, y'all!

We ain't done talking about it, I certainly am not!

Because this old nigga lost his comb

and his damn mind.

- Both conventions had interesting speakers.

- You know what I would have said if I was actually

sitting in that chair with old Clint?

I would have said, nope,got your facts wrong,

what are you talkingabout, and kiss my ass,

you grizzly old nutjob!

- Speakers who clearly put forth

the positions of both parties.

- Oh, and by the way, thank you for Ohio.

Why don't you giveanother speech, brother?

I might win Texas!

- We Democrats had agreat time in Charlotte,

and former President Clinton gave one

of the best speeches I've ever heard.

- This motherfucker right here.

Worst wingman ever.

You know what, Bill, Iknow you can't help it,

but when you trying to hook a brother up with a girl,

don't try and fuck her first!

Don't just try to walk up to her,

with your well-oiled abs.

- He reminded us why we're Democrats.

- And you know what,

it's like I ain't neverdone nothing for you?

(laughing)

Come on, brother, I gave Hillary a job

and sent her overseas,that was for you, nigga.

- And so, I want to thank Bill Clinton and my wife

Michelle for their great speeches.

- Michelle, baby, I ain't seen you in a while

since I been on the campaign trial, but that dress?

Girl, you had it goin' on, for real,

I mean you had the gunsout, like ska-klack,

up top, you had the blaw, on the bwaam over here,

ooh, everything was in the right place

and your booty was likean apple, I could just,

I coulda just taken a bite out of it.

(growling)

Like this, crazy,

and I could chip a tooth, baby 'cause that shit is hard.

- Luther. - [Luther] That shit is tight.

- Yes sir, okay,please do not objectify

the most powerful woman in the world Luther, damn.

- It is true, though.

You could chip a tooth on that booty.

Thank you and good night.