Nick Swardson - Go, Grandma, Go

  • Season 10 , Ep 14
  • 04/06/2006
  • Views: 24,510

No matter how bad things are, they're always worse for old people. (3:01)

THAT IN YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU FEEL

BETTER ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

THEY MAKE YOU APPRECIATE IT

MORE.

BECAUSE HER PROBLEMS ARE LIKE

5,000 TIMES WORSE THAN MY

PROBLEMS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I ALWAYS GET COCKY AND

SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT.

SHE'LL CALL ME UP.

SHE'LL BE LIKE "NICHOLAS, IT'S

YOUR GRANDMOTHER."

LIKE I HAVE 90-YEAR-OLD FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, IT'S 90-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE'S LIKE, "HOW WAS YOUR DAY

TODAY?"

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY DAY,

GRANDMA?

MY DAY WAS HORRIBLE.

I HAD THE WORST DAY.

I WAKE UP.

I GO TO THE VIDEO STORE.

THIS GUY ALMOST HITS ME.

I GET THERE.

THE MOVIE I WANT IS GONE.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE IT.

AND IT'S, LIKE, THE YANKEES

LOST.

AND IT'S GONNA RAIN.

IT WAS LIKE THE WORST DAY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

"WELL, I-- I WOKE UP AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY HEART HURTS WHEN I

BREATHE.

AND ANOTHER ONE OF MY FRIENDS

DIED."

IT'S LIKE, WHAT DO I SAY TO

THAT, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, TOTALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE YANKEES WERE AHEAD

AND THEN THEY LOST."

IT'S LIKE, NO, YOU GOT NOTHING

ON THAT.

YOU CAN'T TRY TO COMPETE WITH

GRANDMA'S PROBLEMS.

(LAUGHTER)

GRANDMA WINS, MAN.

BUT, LIKE, I-- I CAN'T WAIT TO

BE 90.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

IT'S ALL WHAT YOU DO WITH

THINGS.

THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS, IF I CAN

TIE IN A RUNNING THEME.

IT'S ALL HAVING FUN.

LIKE WHEN I'M 90, IT'S YOU KNOW,

I'M GONNA SHOPLIFT 24 HOURS A

DAY, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA DO IS

JUST STEAL (BLEEP).

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA DO.

JUST STEAL.

NO ONE'S GONNA BUST YOU.

NO ONE'S GONNA BE LIKE, "WHOA.

DID YOU JUST TAKE THAT?"

"I'M OLD."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THAT PERSON'S OLD.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IT."

LIKE YOU'RE MONEY WHEN YOU'RE

OLD.

AND I'M GONNA DRIVE FAST.

FORGET THAT.

WHO CARES?

I'M GONNA FLOOR IT.

WHY DON'T OLD PEOPLE DRIVE--

LIKE THEY ALWAYS DRIVE SO-- IT

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE IF YOU

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW?

WHENEVER I GET STUCK BEHIND 'EM,

I'M LIKE, "COME ON.

LET'S GO.

YOU'RE DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE.

YOU COULD GO AT ANY SECOND,

GRANDMA.

COME ON, STEP ON IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO RUN THOSE RED

LIGHTS."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN I'M 90, I'M GONNA BE GOING

90.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA BE FLOORING IT.

FORGET THAT.

YOU GET PULLED OVER, WHO CARES?

THE COP'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I AM DYING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME!

NOW, LET ME GO.

I'VE GOT MORE STUFF TO STEAL...

(LAUGHTER)

DAGBURNIT."

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GOT

ALL THAT MONEY SAVED UP.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST BUY A

SWEET CAR LIKE A CORVETTE OR

SOMETHING AND JUST FLOOR IT

EVERYWHERE, JUST RUNNING RED

LIGHTS.

AND THEN WHEN YOU DIE, IT'S LIKE

COOL.

YOU KNOW?

YOUR FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "HEY, I

HEARD YOUR GRANDMA PASSED AWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"SHE FLIPPED HER 'VET, MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

ONE THING I

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