Tommy Johnagin - Babies

  • Season 13 , Ep 7
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 19,385

You're gonna hand Tommy a baby, no questions asked? You're a bad mom already. (2:32)

SHE GOT PREGNANT,AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"OH, I'M PREGNANT.NOW I HAVE TO GET MARRIED."

WHICH ISN'T TRUE.THAT'S STUPID LOGIC.

IT'S LIKE SAYING,"OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BAD.

QUICK! MAKE IT WORSE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I TOLD HER, "I SPILLED JUICEON THE CARPET THE OTHER DAY.

"I DIDN'T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.

YOU SHOULD EXPLOREYOUR OPTIONS."

SO SHE HAS THIS BABY,

AND SHE BRINGS HIM HOMEFROM THE HOSPITAL,

WHICH IS WHAT YOU DO.

YOU DROP IT OUT. YOU'RE LIKE,"I'LL TAKE THAT TO GO."

AND THEY WRAP IT UP LIKEYOU'RE AT CHIPOTLE OR SOMETHING.

AND SO WE GOT THIS NEW BABYAT THE HOUSE.

AND I REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS LIKEA COUPLE DAYS OLD, SHE GOES,

"I NEED TO GO TO THE STORE.CAN YOU WATCH HIM?"

"NO, I CAN'T --WHAT ABOUT YOU HAVING A BABY

"MAKES ME QUALIFIEDTO CARE FOR A BABY?

"I DIDN'T TAKE A CLASSOR READ A PAMPHLET.

"YOU GOT TO TRAIN FOR TWO WEEKSTO BE A BUSBOY AT AN APPLEBEE'S.

"YOU'RE GONNA HAND ME YOURINFANT, NO QUESTIONS ASKED?

YOU'RE A BAD MOM ALREADY."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT BABIES.

I KNOW DON'T SHAKE THEMOR FEED THEM CHOCOLATE,

AND I THINK THAT SECOND ONE'SFOR DOGS.

I'M VERY IRRESPONSIBLE.

I'LL GO OVER TO SOMEONE'S HOUSEAND BREAK SOMETHING

AND THEN SLIDE ITUNDER THE COUCH

INSTEAD OF TELLING THEMABOUT IT.

AND YOU CAN'T DO THATWITH A BABY.

EVENTUALLY, SOMEONE WILL SAY,"HEY, WHERE'S MY BABY?

WHY IS MY COUCH UNEVEN?"

HE JUST STARTED WALKINGRECENTLY.

HE'S NOT GOOD AT WALKING.HE'S EVEN WORSE AT FALLING.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT WALKING,

FALLING --YOU SHOULD BRUSH UP ON THAT,

BECAUSE IT'LL COME UP A LOT.

WHEN HE FALLS,HE DOESN'T BRACE HIMSELF.

HE LEADS WITH HIS FACE.IT'S IMPRESSIVE TO WATCH.

HE PUTS HIS HANDS TO THE SIDE.

HE'S LIKE, "I GOT THE GOUT.I DON'T WANT TO HURT MY WRIST."

AND THEN EVERY TIMEHE HITS THE GROUND,

BECAUSE HE'S FALLING LIKE THIS,HIS CHEST HITS FIRST

AND SLINGSHOTS HIS FACEINTO THE PAVEMENT.

BBBBRT! THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDSLIKE EVERY TIME HE FALLS.

HE'S JUST GOT, LIKE,NICKS AND DINGS AND BUMPS

ALL OVER HIS HEAD.

IT'S LIKE THAT PARTOF THE INTERSTATE WHERE

THE DIVIDER HAS THE TIRE MARKSAND HEADLIGHT CHIPS IN IT.

THAT'S HIS FACE, IF YOU WANT TOTHINK ABOUT IT DEEP LIKE I HAVE.

BUT HE IS CUTE. HE'S 1 NOW.HE TURNED 1 A LITTLE BIT AGO.

WE HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

MY SISTER SPENT THE WHOLE PARTYCRYING, AND I ASKED HER WHY.

AND SHE SAID, "A LOTOF PEOPLE DIDN'T SHOW UP."

AND I WAS LIKE,"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

HE'S THE LOSER WITH NO FRIENDS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

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