Gary Valentine - Spiders

  • Season 5 , Ep 14
  • 09/30/2001
  • Views: 10,940

What does a spider do all day? (2:44)

I GOT A HOUSEKEEPER.

I'M NOT RICH, I'M JUST LAZY.

AND SHE IS THE SWEETEST LADY.

SHE COMES EVERY TWO WEEKS...

I THINK.

I GAVE HER A KEY BECAUSE SHE

CAME AS A REFERRAL AND I TRUST

HER AND I GAVE HER A KEY.

SHE NEVER GIVES ME A WARNING

WHEN SHE--

YOU KNOW, SHE'S A LITTLE

HISPANIC LADY AND SHE SPEAKS

VERY BROKEN ENGLISH.

SHE JUST WALKS DOWN

"GOOD MORNING" AND I'M LIKE

IN MY UNDERWEAR, "GOOD MORNING"

"GOO MORNING."

I GO, "MARTHA, YOU KNOW THERE'S

A 'D' AT THE END OF 'GOO'

RIGHT?"

"SI, SEÑOR, GOO MORNING."

I LEFT THE OTHER DAY I CAME BACK

SHE GOES, "UH, SEÑOR THERE'S A

PROBLEMO.

I WAS CLEAN THE CAFE MACHINE AND

IT'S A BROKE, CAN I HAVE?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU BROKE THE COFFEE MACHINE

AND YOU WANT IT?"

"SI"

"ALL RIGHT.

GO AHEAD."

"GOOD THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA GO CLEAN THE BIG

SCREEN TV."

"NO, DON'T CLEAN THE BIG SCREEN

TV.

(LAUGHTER)

CLEAN THE COBWEBS THAT ARE

AROUND HERE.

I HAVE A LOT OF COBWEBS IN L.A.

YOU KNOW, L.A. HAS A BIG SPIDER

PROBLEM.

THEY REALLY DO.

AND I AM PETRIFIED OF SPIDERS.

I SAW A SPIDER ON THE WALL

I WENT TO HIT IT, IT JUST FELL

AND RAN AWAY.

I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD,

HE KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT DOES A SPIDER DO?

DOES ANYBODY KNOW?

WHAT A...IT'S LIKE THE DULLEST

EXISTENCE.

(EXHALES)

I GOTTA GET NEW CONTACTS.

LOOK AT THE WALLPAPERING JOB

THIS GUY DID.

YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE REAL BRICKS.

Jackass.

(SIGHS)

WISH I COULD WHISTLE.

NAH, I THINK YOU NEED LIPS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I HAVE

LIPS.

(SIGHS)

WHAT AN EXISTENCE.

EVERYBODY JUST STARING AT MY

ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S TOMORROW?

SATURDAY?

I'M NOT DOING (BLEEP) TOMORROW.

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