Jeff Ross - Sexually Transmitted Skills

Jeff Ross Season 1, Ep 1 07/17/1996 Views: 7,698

Sex would be better if it could enhance your resume. (2:49)

I don't know.

I think it's kind of frightening

being single, especially with

all the diseases, and you've got

to worry about safe sex and


Think about this, you guys.

Wouldn't it be great if our

bodies were designed so that

instead of bad things, good

things could be transmitted

through sex?

Like skills.

"Oh, baby, I'm going to do you

until you can juggle."

( laughter )

"Oh, my God.

Don't stop.

I'm a carpenter.

Computer programming, air

conditioning, refrigeration,

auto mechanic, whatever the hell

Sally Struthers says in that


( laughter )

"How was your date last night?

Did you get lucky?"

"I think my resume speaks for


( laughter and applause )

My impression.

This impression is called... I

hope you like it.

It's called your first high

school party, your first beer


I hated high school.

I hated high school because my

dad worked there.

He was a cafeteria lady.

( laughter )

That's hard to live down, man.

I have another impression.

I don't know if it's going to

work or not.

Can I borrow somebody's bag real


Could I borrow your bag real

quick, anybody?

Oh, perfect.

( laughter )

I'm just teasing.

This one's called "Waiting for

the School Bus in Seventh


( laughter and applause )

Did I mess up my hair?

Do you like it?

It's a new style.

It's called "Give it a Couple


( laughter )

How do you think I feel?

I love kids.

I'm afraid to have kids ever

since Dr. Seuss died.

Did you know that?

Dr. Seuss was my hero when I was

a kid, man.

I would have loved to give the

eulogy at his funeral.

"Should we put him in the


Should we bury him upside down?

He's dead, he's dead.

I said he's dead.

I do not like him in a box.

I do not like him without socks.

Sad to see him go I am.

Because now he smells like green

eggs and ham."