Kevin Nealon - The Ocean

  • Season 2 , Ep 1
  • 05/28/1999
  • Views: 5,493

Kevin Nealon buys an underwater watch. (3:07)

HERE'S WHAT I DO.

THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE...

A GOOD SUGGESTION FOR YOU GUYS.

IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT NOWWHERE I JUST EMPTY THE SUITCASE

I LINE THE INSIDE WITH VELCRO.

THEN I JUST TOSS ITINTO THE CLOSET.

WHATEVER STICKS, I TAKE WITH ME.

I WENT TO HAWAII.I BROUGHT A SOCK AND A SCARF.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED.

WHAT A GREAT TRIP.

I FOUNDTHIS BEAUTIFUL BEACH, TOO.

IT WAS LIKE RIGHT ON THE WATER.

UNBELIEVABLE.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN IT COMES TO WATER SPORTS--

EXPERT. EXPERT.

NOT BRAGGING.

JUST EXPERT.

I RENTED A, UH...

OH, GEEZ, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

UM... NOT A JET SKI...

I WANT TO SAY LEMON MERINGUE

BUT THAT'S WAY OFF.

CATAMARAN. CATAMARAN?

AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN METICK-TACKING AROUND THE OCEAN

WITH THE STEERING STICKIN MY HAND, YOU KNOW.

I GOT WAY OFFSHORE.

NOT A GOOD JUDGE ON DISTANCE.

MAYBE... 830 MILES.

AND THE WIND DIED DOWN.I DIDN'T PANIC OR ANYTHING.

I JUST HUNG MY FEETOVER THE SIDE OF THE BOAT

AND CATCHING SOME RAYS,YOU KNOW.

AND I LOOKED OUT JUST IN TIME...SCARED ME TO DEATH.

THIS CLOSE TO MY FEET,THERE'S A...

UH... WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

AW, GEEZ.

WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM?

NOT A JELLYFISH.

WANT TO SAY SET OF HOOTERSBUT THAT'S WAY OFF.

BARRACUDA.

A BARRACUDA...

THIS CLOSE TO MY FEET.

SCARED ME TO DEATH.

BUT THERE'S A LOTOF NICE THINGS TO DO OUT THERE.

WHALE WATCHING-- THAT WAS FUN.

THE CAPTAIN EVEN LET MESTEER THE SHIP.

I LIKED THAT.

WASN'T CRAZY ABOUTSITTING ON HIS LAP

BUT I DID ALL RIGHT.

BOUGHT A WATCH OFF OF SOME GUYON SIXTH AVENUE.

A ROLEX... A FAKE ROLEX WATCH.

THEY LOOK SO REAL.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

AND THEY'RE CHEAP--LIKE 20 BUCKS.

AND THEY ARE CHEAP.

I HAD IT FOR LIKE TWO DAYS

AND THE "R" AND THE "X"FELL OFF OF IT.

IT BECAME AN "OLE" WATCH.

THEN I GOT THIS CHEAP,UNDERWATER DIVING WATCH.

IT'S LIKE 37 BUCKS.

GOES DOWN TO THREE FEET.

YOU KNOW, WHICH IS PLENTY

FOR WASHING DISHES AND STUFF,YOU KNOW.

I DON'T SCUBA DIVE.

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.

THEY SEE ME WALKING,THEY SEE THE WATCH.

HEY, THAT GUY MUST SCUBA DIVE.

MAYBE I DO, MAYBE I DON'T.

I'D WEAR THE TANKS IF THEYWEREN'T SO HEAVY, YOU KNOW.

AND THE FLIPPERS...

YEAH, MAYBE I DO, MAYBE I DON'T.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW,I DON'T NEED FLIPPERS.

LOOK AT THIS.

SIZE 14.

WHICH DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,BY THE WAY.

MAYBE I DO, MAYBE I DON'T.

( laughter )

I DON'T SCUBA DIVE

BECAUSE ONE TIME I WAS SWIMMINGOFF OF CALIFORNIA...

ON THE OCEAN SIDE.

AND I GOT HOME THAT NIGHTAND I TURNED THE NEWS ON

AND I HEARD THEY CAUGHTA GREAT WHITE SHARK

IN THE EXACT SAME AREAI WAS SWIMMING THAT DAY.

A PREGNANT GREAT WHITE SHARK.

WHICH I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH.

BUT YOU KNOW, STILL,IT SCARES YOU A LITTLE BIT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWIMFASTER THAN THE SHARK.

YOU JUST HAVE TO SWIM FASTERTHAN THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

( applause )

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