Scoring Some Snacks, "Ocean's Eleven" Style

  • Season 4 , Ep 3
  • 02/05/2014
  • Views: 7,787

With Jillian exerting totalitarian control over all the food in the break room, the guys stage an elaborate snack heist. (3:33)

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THAT MEANS NO PLACETO PUT OUR BONERS,

EXCEPT IN OUR HANDS...AGAIN.

- IT'S NOT AS FUN--I'VE GOTCALLOUSES FROM WORKING OUT.

- I DON'T KNOW--MAYBE WE SHOULDJUST GET OUR SNACKS AT 7-ELEVEN.

THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS DO.- WHAT?

- 7-ELEVEN DOESN'T HAVE PARTYTINS FULL OF POPCORN, OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT KARL ASKED FOR.

ALL I'M SAYING IS WE ARESUPPOSED TO BE LIVING

THAT CRAZY COSTCO LIFE.- I KNOW.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVERTOLD YOU GUYS THIS STORY,

BUT I SNUCK INTO A COSTCOWHEN I WAS A KID.

- YEAH, WE'VE HEARD THAT STORY.- YEAH.

- IT WAS THE MOST MAGNIFICENTEXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

THERE WAS GIANT TRAMPOLINESHANGING FROM THE CEILING.

LIKE, SHAMPOO BOTTLESTHAT ARE, LIKE...

all: THE SIZEOF MY MASSIVE THIGHS.

- I ONLY GOT, LIKE,15 FEET IN,

THEN I WAS TACKLEDBY SECURITY.

- [laughs]BUT IT WAS--

IT WAS, HONESTLY, THE BEST40 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

- YEAH.- WE'VE HEARD THIS STORY.

- WELL, THENWHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?

- I DIDN'T STOP YOUBECAUSE I LIKE THE STORY,

AND IT GOT ME JACKED UPABOUT SOME KIRKLAND JEANS

THAT I WANT, MAN.

- THAT'S PART OF THE STORY!

- THE WIDE LEGS,THE THICK DENIM.

- THE ELASTIC WAISTBANDS.- MM-HMM.

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA WANTTO HAVE A FEW SNACKS

WHILE YOU'RE THERE.

- AND IF YOU GET 'EMWITHOUT THE POCKETS

ON THE BACK, NO SNAGGIN'.

- THAT'S--THOSE ARE WOMEN'S JEANS. YEAH.

- WELL, THEY JUST SIT BETTERON MY HIPS.

- YOU DO HAVEA VERY WOMANLY FIGURE.

- I HAVE WHAT I HAVE.- YOU ALSO HAVE TITS.

- NICE SKIN.- YOU KNOW, QUITE FRANKLY...

I'M WILLING TO MARCHINTO ALICE'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW

AND SAY...

[deep voice] "I QUIT."- RIGHT?

- "I'M GONNA GO BEA COSTCO SECURITY GUARD."

[normal voice] I MIGHT JUST USEMY REGULAR VOICE, THOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW.- OR...

WE STEAL THE SNACKSFROM THE BREAK ROOM.

OCEAN'S ELEVEN AND THIRTEENTHIS BITCH.

- [bleep] OCEAN'S TWELVE!

- YEAH.- TOTAL MISFIRE.

- ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE, WAYMOND.PUT YOUR HAND OUT.

NO ONE LIKES A GUMMI SLUT.GET OUT OF HERE.

- HEY, JILLIAN.

COULD I PLEASE GET FOURLOW-SODIUM STRING CHEESES?

- WELL, YOU'VE ALREADY HITYOUR SNACK LIMIT FOR THE DAY.

NOW HIT THE ROAD.

- [chuckles]

JILLIAN, I DON'T THINKYOU UNDERSTAND.

I'M, LIKE, THE BIGGEST DUDEIN THIS OFFICE.

- OKAY, WELL, MY BEST OFFERIS SEVEN GRAPES.

- HEY, JILLIAN.- HMM?

- [bleep] YO' GRAPES!

- I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE

WE'VE GOTALL OUR DUCKS IN A ROW HERE,

UH, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BASICALLY,THE WAY I'M LOOKING AT IT--

YEAH. NO, I KNOW.

BUT TRUST ME,THE DEAL IS ALMOST DONE.

- HEY, JILLIAN, UM,DO YOU HAVE THE KEYS

TO THE STORAGE CLOSET?

- WHAT FOR?

- I JUST NEED TO VACUUMSOMETHING.

- UH, WHAT SOMETHING?- [laughs]

UM, WELL,IT'S JUST THAT, UH...

[whispers]I WANTED TO SHAVE MY NIPPLES.

BUT THEY'RE, LIKE,KIND OF HAIRY,

SO I DON'T WANTTO GET HAIR EVERYWHERE.

- [moaning][knock on stall door]

A LITTLE PRIVACY, BUDDY!

I'M OBVIOUSLY MASTURBATINGRIGHT NOW--IT HURTS.

FEELS LIKE RAZOR BLADESARE COMING OUT THE TIP.

JUST KIDDING.I'M POOPING HERE!

OH! WHOO!WHAT DID I EAT--ROCKS?

ALICE.

OH, I'VE GOT SOME...PRETTY GROSS NEWS.

I, ON ACCIDENT, DROPPEDAN ATOM BOMB IN THE BATHROOM,

AND THE TOILET WAS DESTROYED,SO THAT IS ON ME.

AND I KNOW A PLUMBERWHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT.

AND YOU LOOK AWESOME TODAY,BY THE WAY.

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