My friend Kevin-- different guy --
(chuckles) his wife hates me.
But, like, in her defense,
we... mess with herall the time.
Like, Kevin invented this gamecalled "Cell Phone Capers"
where he'll be with his wife,
and he'll leave his cell phoneon secretly on speakerphone
and I'll be listening inall muted
while he just says weird(bleep) to his wife
to get her to, like, yell at himand piss her off
for my amusement.
And I listen in and laugh.
Like, for example, he's atthe doctor's office one time.
He's waiting for his wifeto pick him up.
And he's, like, "Well, let's doa Cell Phone Caper."
So he leaves his phone on.
And I listen in all muted.
And you know, his wife shows up.He gets in the car.
His wife's, like,"How was your doctor's visit?"
He's, like, "Oh, it was fine,but I got some bad news.
"The doctor saysmy dick's too big...
"and I have to goto a whale dick doctor
"to get my dick examined.
"So I think we've gotto rent out a tank
"at Sea World or something,
"get a bunch of whale dickdoctors to put on scuba gear
"and stethoscopes and swimaround my whale-sized dick
and make sure everything'scool with that."
She's, like, "What the (bleep)are you talking about?!
You wish, idiot!"
I'm, like... (goofy laugh)
listening in like an adult.
He was, like, "No, but I gotsome good news, honey.
"The doctor said I produceenough semen
"to where you could live on
"only eating my spermfrom now on.
"So we'll put you onan all-splooge diet.
"We'll save a lot of moneyon groceries.
You'll drop some weight.It'll be a win-win."
She's, like, "Who the helldo you think you're talking to?!
Listening to a marriage crumblefor my own amusement.
So she caught on
to our Cell Phone Caperspretty quickly.
Like, any time Kevin wouldbe talking about whale dicks,
all-splooge diets,she knew what was going on.
She'd be, like...
"Where's your phone?"