Bill Dwyer - Old People

  • Season 5, Ep 11
  • 09/09/2001
  • Views: 1,234

Bill Dwyer hates it when old people tell him to guess their age. (2:43)

I WAS IN LAS VEGAS RECENTLY,

WENT INTO A STRIP CLUB-TOTALLY

NUDE.

SURE MY TESTICLES KEPT STICKING

TO THE SEAT, BUT OTHER THAN

THAT, IT WAS GREAT.

JUST HAD TO KEEP ADJUSTING.

ALL RIGHT!

DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THESE

BABIES.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU

TIP THEM WITH QUARTERS DO THEY?

THE STRIPPERS?

NO.

IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM HAPPY,

'CAUSE THEY'RE GENERALLY

SUCH A HAPPY BUNCH.

(MIMICS A STRIPPER) "I'M SO

PLEASED WITH MY LIFE CHOICES."

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIGGEST

GAMBLE IN LAS VEGAS IS?

99ยข SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

THAT'S BARGAIN SHRIMP

IN THE DESERT.

WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?

LAKE MEAD?

HEY, THESE ARE SEA MONKEYS,

AREN'T THEY?

IT IS!

IT'S A BRINE SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

I JUST ATE THE KING I KNOW."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN

IN VEGAS?

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUN TO GO BY

THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LAYING OUT

500 OR A 1000 BUCKS A CRACK,

BUT OCCASIONALLY HEAD ON OVER

TO THE NICKEL SLOTS AND

CHEER THOSE PEOPLE ON.

"CHERRY, CHERRY.

OH, A PLUM!

DUDE, THAT WAS ALMOST A QUARTER!

OH, MAN!

IMAGINE THAT JINGLE-JANGLING

IN YOUR CUP, HUH?

YOU BIG STUD.

WHO WANTS SHRIMP COCKTAIL?

LET ME SEE IF I GOT ENOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THERE'S A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE

IN VEGAS.

AND NOT TO RIP OLD PEOPLE,

BUT I'M ABOUT TO.

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THEY

PLAY GAMES, "GUESS HOW OLD I AM?

I DON'T KNOW.

107?

I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GUESS YOUR

HEIGHT?

40 YEARS AGO, IT WAS FOUR INCHES

MORE THAN IT IS NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I JUST NEVER WANT TO GET

SO OLD THAT I'M AFRAID OF

ESCALATORS.

YOU EVER GET BEHIND ONE OF THEM

AT THE MALL, AND THEY'RE...

AHH, AHH, EHH, OHH, HERE I GO.

ONE...

TWO...

"HEY, JUMP ON WILL YA?

IT'S NOT A DRAGON.

LET'S GO!

ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT CAUGHT

ONCE--

WELL, YELL FOR HELP WHEN

YOUR IN A MALL!"

YOU NEVER SEE AN ESCALATOR

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

"WELL, HERE I AM IN DEATH

VALLEY, HEY, AN ESCALATOR,

I'LL JUST JUMP ON IT WITH

MY PANTS THAT ARE 6 INCHES

TOO LONG.

I HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME."

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK

MY HIP, AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE

ON FEAR OF IT, EITHER.

THAT'S WHY THEY WALK SO SLOW.

YOU KNOW?

EVERY STEP.

PLEASE DON'T SLIP, NO SLIPPING.

I PRAY TO THE GODS OF SLIPPING

HAVE MERCY ON ME.

I OFFER UP THE SAME PRAYER,

BUT MORE INTENSE.

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