Dick Rogers Needs the YMCA

  • Season 3 , Ep 4
  • 08/10/2004
  • Views: 20,833

After deciding to turn his life around, Dick Rogers calls the YMCA to help him get straight. (2:36)

YES, HI, UH, OH, EXCELLENT.THIS IS THE YMCA?YES, SIR.

MY NAME IS DICK ROGERS.

I'VE DONE SOME HARD LIVING,

AND I'M READYTO TURN MY LIFE AROUND.

AND I WAS TOLD THATTHE YMCA COULD HELP ME OUT.

WHAT KIND OF HELPDO YOU NEED, SIR?WELL, I'M REALIZING NOW

THERE'S MORE TO LIFETHAN BOOZE,

AND I WAS TOLD THAT THE YMCACAN HELP ME GET ST--

I'M LOOKIN' TO GO STRAIGHT,YOU KNOW?

WE DO NOT HAVE ANY TYPEOF REHAB PROGRAMS.

I'M TRYIN' TO CHANGEMY WAYS, YOU KNOW?SURE.

JUST THE OTHER NIGHT,ME AND THE BOYS

PASSED AN ORIENTALWALKING DOWN THE STREET,

AND AFTER GIVIN' HIMA FOOT SANDWICH

FOR FIVE MINUTES OR SO,I JUST STOPPED.

MY HEART'S NOT IN IT ANYMORE.I'M READY TO GO CLEAN.

BUT AT THIS POINT,YOU'RE LOOKING FOR,

ACTUALLY, A REHAB PROGRAM,IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.

THE PROBLEM IS,I WAS BORN WITH A COLD HEART.

I TELL YOU,IT'S A CONDITION, YOU KNOW.

I TRIED TO KILL A GUYAT THE BOWLING ALLEY

FOR BOWLINGAT THE SAME TIME AS ME.

I USED TO GET ALL SOUSED UP

AND WIND UP STAYINGALL NIGHT TILL MIDNIGHT,

KNOCKING OVER TRASH CANS,TRAMPLING GARDENS,

STEALING PIESOFF OF WINDOWSILLS,

AND I DON'T WANNA BETHAT PERSON ANYMORE.

THAT'S NOT ME ANYMORE.

WELL, WHAT I WOULD DOIS I WOULD GET AHOLD

OF SOME OF THOSECOMMUNITY GROUPS

BECAUSE THEY'RETHE KIND THAT CAN USE--

LISTEN, I BEEN AROUNDTHE BLOCK A HUNDRED TIMES.

I DON'T NEEDTHE SOFT SOAP TREATMENT HERE.

I DON'T NEEDTHE RINKY DINK HERE.I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'STRYIN' TO RINKY DINK YOU.

BUT I WOULD IMAGINE

YOU WANNA GET POINTEDIN THE CORRECT DIRECTION.

THE LAST GUY WHO TRIED TO HELPME GO STRAIGHT CRACKED WISE.

A REAL KNOW-IT-ALL,YOU KNOW?

ONLY THING HE KNOWS NOW IS WHATA DIRT PILLOW FEELS LIKE.

YEAH. WELL, THAT'S WHATI WOULD SUGGEST TO YOU,

'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVEANY PROGRAM LIKE THAT HERE.

LISTEN, I FEEL LIKEI'M SWIMMIN' UPSTREAM HERE.

OLD JOHNNY'S READYTO TAKE THE PLUNGE.

AND I'VE TOLD YOU HOWYOU CAN GO ABOUT DOIN' IT.LISTEN, IF YOU TURN ME AWAY,

I SWEAR TO GOD,I'LL GO STRAIGHT BACK

TO THE DAMES AND THE HOOCH.WELL, LOOK AT, YOU HAVETO MAKE THOSE DECISIONS.

I CAN'T MAKETHOSE DECISIONS FOR YOU.

YOU'RE MAKING THAT DECISIONFOR ME RIGHT NOW...NO.

BY GIVING ME THE OLDHIDDLY DIDDLY.NO, SIR. YOU MAKE UPYOUR OWN MIND.

YOU CAN'T PUT THATON ANYBODY ELSE.

YOU'RE A REAL JACK DANDY,YOU KNOW THAT?WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE

THAT'S GONNA MAKETHE DECISION, NOT ME.

GOD, WHAT I'D DO FOR A BOTTLEOF OLD CROW RIGHT,

AND A PAINTED UP $2 FLOOZY.THAT'S UP TO YOU.

I'VE FILLED A LOT OF BELLIESWITH LEAD.

I DON'T WANT ST. PETERGIVING MY NAME THE OLD IXNAY.

YEAH, WELL,I'VE ALREADY GIVEN YOU

THE ADVICE THAT I'LL GIVE YOU,AND I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE THAT.

YOU GAVE ME DOODLEY-SQUAT.LOOK, YOU MAKE UPYOUR OWN MIND.

YOU HAVE TO DO THE THINGSYOU NEED TO DO.

THAT'S WHY I'MON THE PHONE WITH YOU,

AND YOU'RE GIVIN' METHE OLD DING DANG.THEN GO AND FIX ITIN THE CORRECT WAY, OKAY?

IF THE DIGGITY DANG HAD A CLANG,I'D SING GIGGITY SING SING.YEAH.

AND ONE MORE THING,

YOU HAVE HIGH-SPEEDINTERNET ACCESS, DSL?NO.

YOU KNOW, I MET A LOTOF PEPPER SQUATTERS IN MY DAY,

BUT YOU TAKETHE CRUMB CAKE, PAL.THAT'S FINE.YOU HAVE A GOOD EVENING.

LISTEN, BLUE BIRDS FLY,BUT YOU'RE DROPPING

BIRD SEED, PAL.YOU ARE DROPPING BIRD SEED.YOU MAKE THE DECISION.

BUT GOOD LUCK TO YOU, SIR.GOOD-BYE.

I DON'T WANNA BEA PALOOKA ANYMORE.

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