Tony Rock - Fruit Mascots

  • Season 14 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 12,301

A carrot from Whole Foods is $7, but a double cheeseburger from McDonald's is only $1. (2:31)

IN FRONT OF A MIXED CROWD.

I TRAVEL ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.I GO ALL OVER THE WORLD.

SOMETIMES I'M IN AN AUDIENCEWHERE I'M ONE OF ONE.

YEAH. YOU EVER BEENTO CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA?

NOT A LOT OF PIGMENTIN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA.

OKAY? WHITE.

W-H-I-I-I-I-T-E, OKAY?

IOWA IS SO WHITE,

I THINK THAT'S WHERE THEY MAKEWHITE PEOPLE AT.

ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE IN HERE,LOOK AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FOOT.

IT SAYS, "MADE IN IOWA."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WENT TO A STRIP CLUBWHILE I WAS THERE.

IT GOT WORSE. YEAH.

SOME STATES SHOULDN'TEVEN HAVE STRIP CLUBS.

IOWA -- TOP OF THAT LIST.

NO BLACK PEOPLE.IT WAS COLD.

I'M IN A DARK-ASSSTRIP CLUB.

BUNCH OF PALE-ASSWHITE GIRLS DANCING AROUND.

I THOUGHT I WASIN A HAUNTED HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"NOW APPEARING ON STAGE ONE,GIVE IT UP FOR PALE GAIL!"

"WHOO-O-O-O-O-O!"

SHE JUST COME OUT THE WALL?

IT'S THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD.

I GOT UP FOR THIS SHOW, TOO.

I GOT A HAIRCUT.GOT ME AN OUTFIT.

I WAS GONNA WORK OUTAND EVERYTHING.

I WAS LIKE, "DON'T HAVE THATKIND OF TIME FOR RESULTS."

I WAS GONNA EAT HEALTHY, TOO.

I WAS GONNA GIVE MYSELF A WEEKOF EATING HEALTHY.

THEN I SAID, "NAH, FORGET IT."

TOO MUCH WORK.TOO EXPENSIVE TO EAT HEALTHY.

ANYBODY A HEALTH NUT IN HERE?

TOO EXPENSIVE TO EAT HEALTHY.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

YOU EVER GO TO WHOLE FOODS?YOU EVER GO TO WHOLE FOODS?

A CARROT IS LIKE $7.

McDONALD'S GOT DOUBLECHEESEBURGERS FOR A DOLLAR.

YOU KNOW WHY KIDSDON'T EAT FRUIT?

'CAUSE FRUITSDON'T HAVE ANY MASCOTS.

THAT'S WHY KIDS DON'T EAT FRUIT.FRUITS DON'T HAVE ANY MASCOTS.

LIKE EVERY SUGARY CEREALHAS LIKE A BEAR OR A RABBIT.

IT'S LIKE, "KIDS, EAT IT, KIDS!EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT!"

YOU'RE A LITTLE KID,YOU'RE LIKE,

"I GOT TO GET THAT CEREAL."

THERE'S NO MASCOT FOR GRAPES.

NO MASCOT FOR APPLES.YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THE GRAPEAND THE APPLE --

THEY THE MASCOTS FOR UNDERWEAR.

THAT'S WHY I SAID I WAS GONNAEAT WHAT I WANT TO EAT

AND DRINK ALCOHOLAND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YEAH.

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