Jeff Garcia - Cool Grandma

  • Season 10 , Ep 23
  • 05/04/2006
  • Views: 11,585

Jeff's grandma divorced her husband after 60 years of marriage. (2:20)

WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE GOOD CREDIT.JUST PUT IN ON GRANDMA'S NAME.

GRANDMA DON'T CARE. YOU GIVE HER A BAG OF WEED.

"I DON'T CARE. I DON'T NEED IT.I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY. GO AHEAD."

I LOVE MY GRANDMA, DUDE. PICTURE AN OLD LADY, BUT ME.

THAT'S MY GRANDMA, DUDE.

SHE'S COOL, ALWAYS AT INDIAN CASINOS. SHE LIVES THERE, DUDE.

SHE HAS ONE OF THOSE PARKING SPOTS.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN DRIVE.HER OWN INDIAN NICKNAME,

"RIGHT THIS WAY, RUNNING-WITH-NICKELS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE, SHE WAS MARRIED, FOR LIKE 60 YEARS,

AND SHE GOT A DIVORCE AFTER 60 YEARS.

I DON'T GET IT, 59? OKAY 60? I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE.

DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

[LAUGHTER]

SEE MY GRANDFATHER'S ONE OF THEM 5'2" MEXICANS, YOU KNOW,

ONE OF THEM SHORT-- "HEY, I'M THE MAN! YOU'RE THE WOMAN!

COOK ME SOMETHING! I'M THE MAN!"

WELL, SHE TAKES THE YELLING AND THE SCREAMING,

AND THEN IT BUILDS UP LIKE A FART.

AND SHE LIKE UNLEASHES ON HIM SOMEHOW.

LAST TIME SHE UNLEASHED, DUDE, SHE THREW A PLATE FROM LIKE,

HERE, LIKE SEVEN ROWS BACK. AND HIT HIM IN THE FAC-- OKAY,

YOU GUYS AREN'T GETTING IT.

THIS IS GRANDMA'S PLATE;IT'S NOT AN IKEA PLATE.

YOU KNOW HOW HEAVY IT--CIVIL WAR PLATES?

YOU EVER EAT AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE? LIKE, "HERE'S YOUR FOOD."

"[BLEEP]. SPOT ME." - [LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T BE 78 AND THROW A CIVIL WAR PLATE LIKE THAT.

SHE MUSTA DID LIKE A--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE CAUGHT HIM. [BLINK!]-- AH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!"

SO SHE CALLED THE POLICE ON HERSELF.

THAT'S WHAT OLD LADIES DO WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO I PULLED UP TO HER HOUSE AND SHE'S ALL SITTIN' THERE

HANDCUFFED ON THE CURB LIKE A GANG MEMBER. THAT SUCKS, HUH?

SHE'S IN A MUUMUU AND ROLLERS. "GRANDMA, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"PORQ HE DIDN'T SHUT HIS MOUTH.

"AFTER HE WAS BLEEDING,HE WAS STILL TALKING

AND HIS BUBBLES, THE BLOOD BUBBLED."

I'M ALL, "GRANDMA, YOU'RE GOIN' TO JAIL, DUDE."

- "WE BETTER CALL MATLOCK." - [LAUGHTER]

"THAT'S A TV SHOW. HE'S FAKE."

"WELL, GET ME CIGARETTES.""WHAT THE HELL"--

"FOR TRADE IN THE PEN.

- PARA L PHONE CHECK." - [LAUGHTER]

COPS TOOK MY GRANDMA TO JAIL. THAT SUCKS, HUH?

COPS ARE COOL. ANY COPS HERE? NO?

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