Lewis Black - Never Felt Better

Lewis Black: In God We Rust Season 1, Ep 101 09/07/2012 Views: 19,305

Lewis Black used to think that age had something to do with the calendar. (1:30)

I AM OLD.

I USED TO THINK IT HAD TO DOWITH THE CALENDAR.

IT DOESN'T.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU KNOW.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS.

YOU--IT'S--YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE YOUNG,

YOU'RE YOUNG,AND THEN YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY,

AND YOU'RE [bleep] OLD!

ARE YOU [bleep] ME?

TWO SLICES OF MUSHROOM PIZZA,AND IT'S COME TO THIS.

[laughter]

NOTHING IRRITATES ME MORE

THAN WHEN I'M WATCHINGA CELEBRITY ON TV

WHO'S ABOUT MY AGE,AND THEY GO, "YOU KNOW,

I JUST TURNED 64, AND I'VE NEVERFELT BETTER IN MY LIFE."

REALLY, DOUCHE BAG?

THIS IS THE BESTYOU'VE EVER FELT?

WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD LIKE?

DID YOU HAVE POLIO ANDTHEY KEPT YOU IN AN IRON LUNG

UNTIL YOU WERE 21?

AND THEN WHEN YOU GOT OUT,THEY COVERED YOU WITH TICKS,

AND YOUR PARENTS JUSTGOT THE LAST ONE OFF YESTERDAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SEEWHEN YOU LOOK IN A MIRROR,

BUT I'M LOOKING AT YOU,AND YOU LOOK LIKE [bleep]!

YOU'VE GOT TEN HAIRS, AND THREEARE COMING OUT OF YOUR NOSE.

YOU GOT A GIZZARD ON YOUTHAT MAKES ME THINK

THAT A TURKEY'S GONNA BE[bleep] YOU IN THE ASS.

I KNOW WHY YOU'VE NEVERFELT BETTER IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU HAVE ALZHEIMER'S.

[laughter]