Exclusive - Wild Horses - Salad Improv

The One With the Improv Troupe Season 3, Ep 1 09/27/2016 Views: 300

When Jonah's little sister Lauren Lapkus shows up at The Meltdown, she brings her friends Stephanie Allynne, Mary Holland and Erin Whitehead, and they all swoon over Kumail. (6:51)

- All right, you guys ready for an awesome show?


- We got a good lineup.

- Hey, I wanna go up!

- [Jonah] Oh.

- Let me go up, I wanna do some comedy.

- No, Lauren, I'm so sorry.

My little sister's here again.

Lauren you can't do comedy, you proved that last time.

- I don't do stand-up anymore.

- Okay last time it was so awkward,

'cause she's like in love with me.

- No, I know, I know.

- I don't want this.

- Hi Kumail!

- I thought you were in the car.

- I got out of the car again.

- Jesus Christ, if you're not gonna do comedy,

what are you gonna do?

You're not doing stand-up.

- I'm doing improv now.

- Oh Jesus.

Well we're not gonna bedoing improv with you,

and you can't do improv by yourself, so thanks anyway.

- I don't need you, I have a team!

- [Jonah] What?

- Hi Kumail!

- Hi Kumail! - Hey Kumail, what up!


- [Lauren] Let us come up!

- [All] Please, please, please.

- [Kumail] Jonah, don't do this.

- My mom will kill me ifwe don't bring them up.

Alright, come on.

- [All] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes man, yes man!


- Hi. - Hi.


- Hi.

- How ya doing girls?

- Hi, we're fine, shut up.

- Fine, shut up.


- Alright, well what's your troupe name?

- [All] We're the We Just Got Our Periods.

- Oh come on, Lauren!

- Except for me, but almost.

- Jonah, this is weird, hi, hey.

- Your shirt looks awesome.

- [All] Yeah.

- Look, look.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh my god, you'relike in love, oh my god.

- Okay, alright, alright, alright, come on.

Lauren just do whatever you're gonna do and then.

- Okay, should we get a suggestion?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- Okay.

- Who can give us a suggestion of anything at all?

- Hurry up and give thema suggestion, please.

- [Audience] Salad bar.

- Salad bar. - Salad bar.

- Thank you.


- Lovely.

- This salad bar is really good.

- So good!

- The croutons are here.

- They taste almost as good as I bet Kumail does

if you kiss him.

(inaudible yell and laughter)

- I bet Kumail could toss my salad.

- Oh Lauren, please, Lauren, mom watches the show.

- I don't care, Mom knows about tossing salads.


- You know what doesn't taste good?

Skid marks like your brother has in his underwear.

- Hey, shut up!

- [All] Ew!

- Stay out of my room!

- Wipe your ass!

- I do!

I do wipe my ass, I do wipe my ass!

- Yeah right.

- You wipe your ass with the underwear that you put on.


- Okay, new scene, new scene.

- Okay, can we do another one?

- Yeah.

- Okay, let's do another.

Okay, give us a suggestion.

- What's the suggestion?

- [Audience] Kumail's abs.

- Shut up, no, no, no, no, no.

Shut up, shut up, shut, shut, shut up.

Okay, how about, here'sone, apples, apples.

- Apples, apples.

- Thank you apples.

- Thank you apples.

- So many apples.

- I can't wait to make an apple pie.

- Yeah I'm going to make an apple pie

for my husband, Kumail.


- My husband Kumail and I sometimes lay in the same bed

and our butts touch.


- My husband Kumail and I, sometimes he kisses me

with tongue.


- Sometimes my husband, Kumail,

I put apples in my shirtand they look like boobs

and then I say come and take a bite out of my apples

and he's like, okay,and then I go, go lower!

- End scene, end scene, end scene.

Okay, that's good, you guys are good.

- [All] No, no, no, no.

- You're not letting us do anything.

- Jonah, I told you not to, hey, don't look at me.

- What are you about to say?

- Finish your sentence.

- Go on.

- Don't finish your sentence, Kumail.

- Say it slowly.

- Yeah, whateveryou want to say.

- Feel it.

- Whisper it.

- You guys should go sit down.


- Oh god, oh god, Kumail.

Just don't sayanything to them, okay?

- Let us do one more scene, please.

- Please.

- No you did a--

- We'll do a serious one, it won't be about Kumail,

we'll do a serious one.

- It won't be about Kumail?

- It won't be about Kumail.

- Or any of my stuff?

- You can pick the suggestion.

- Okay, funeral home.

- I'm so sad Jonah died.

- This is a good scene.


- It was crazy how he pooped forever 'til he died.


- I know.

- Let's take turns damaging the body.


- I brought my screwdriver.

- That's good.

- I brought a full bladder.


- What did you bring?

- I just brought a secret, but I forgot you can't

tell dead bodies secrets cause they'll never spread

them and then you won't make friends.

- You can tell us your secret.

- Yeah!

- Okay, yesterday I thought I felt my period start

but it was just a little liquid.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- [Female] Do that on the body.

- Go on, do it on the body.

- Ew.


- Lauren, I know obviously we all hate Jonah cause

he's the worst but, he was your brother so you're

probably gonna miss him right?

- We're so sorry he was your brother.


- I'm sorry too but the coolpart is, I didn't tell you guys

I get to fuck Kumail everyday the rest of my life.

- [Jonah] Okay, alright.

- What the fuck?

- Okay get out of here,get out of here Lauren.

- No, one more!

- [All] One more, one more!

- No more!

- [All] One more!

- Okay, all right, but you can't talk about Kumail.

- Just give them a suggestion, this is the last one.

- [All] You giveit, you give it.

- Please, please, please.

- [Female] Anything.

- [Female] Anything at all.

- Um, pickup truck.

- I heard Kumail.

- I'm Kumail.

I'm Kumail.

I'm Kumail.

- Alright stop it!

End scene, end scene, end scene, end scene.

- Fine, thank you!

- Yeah thanks!

- Get out of here!

(upbeat music)