Brian Scolaro - Heaven

  • Season 13 , Ep 4
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 5,994

Brian hopes he has his heart attack somewhere funny. (2:18)

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

THEY BECOME A POPE,THEY CHOOSE THEIR OWN NAME.

POPE BENEDICT --THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

POPE DIDDY -- THAT WOULD HAVEBEEN FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

UH, POPE SMEAR.POPE FICTION.

POPE A WHEELIE XV OR SOMETHING.

POPE POURRI.

I OFTEN WONDERIF THEY'RE GONNA BE UPSET

AT MY RELIGION JOKESWHEN I DIE,

YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S GONNA BEA PROBLEM UP IN HEAVEN.

I DON'T KNOW.

DID YOU EVER WONDERHOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE?

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?NO? REALLY?

YOU DRIVE PAST A CEMETERY.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [BLEEP]THAT'S RIGHT. I'M GONNA DIE.

I FORGOT ALL ABOUTTHAT [BLEEP]"

I THINK IT'S GONNA BEA HEART ATTACK FOR ME,

'CAUSE I'M A BIG, FAT GUY,YOU KNOW?

UH...

THAT'S ABOUT IT.I GUESS IT'S THE ONLY REASON.

IT'LL PROBABLY HAPPEN THAT WAY.

I JUST HOPE I HAVE ITSOMEWHERE FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE IT, LIKE,TAKING A CRAP OR SOMETHING.

I WANT TO HAVE IT AT, LIKE,A MAGICIAN SHOW.

LIKE, I'M VOLUNTEERING,

AND THE MAGICIANBRINGS ME ONSTAGE,

AND HE ME PUTS ME IN A BOX,AND HE SPINS ME AROUND,

AND HE OPENS THE DOOR,

AND I JUST[BLEEP] FALL OUT DEAD.

HE'D BE THE KILLER MAGICIAN.

HE'D NEVER WORK AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE,"DON'T EVER PICK A FAT GUY."

WHY DO WE BURY PEOPLE?

IF THE IDEA IS THEY'RESUPPOSED TO GO TO HEAVEN,

WHY DO WE [BLEEP] PUT THEMIN THE GROUND

AND LOCK THEM IN A BOX?

WHAT ARE THEY, HOUDINI?

WE SHOULD CATAPULT THEM,YOU KNOW?

DOESN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE?

[ APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, SHOOT YOUR GRANDMOTHEROUT OF A CANNON OR SOMETHING.

AND WHY IS IT SIX FEET UNDER?HOW DID WE GET TO SIX FEET?

WE DID FOUR FEET AND THENTHE WOLVES GOT THE GUY?

THEN WE DID EIGHT FEET --

WE'RE LIKE,"OH, MY [BLEEP] BACK HURTS.

ALL RIGHT, SIX.SIX FEET, FINE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS THERE FOOD IN HEAVEN?

AS A FAT GUY,I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.

IS THERE A DINER?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS --YOU CAN'T EAT IN HEAVEN.

THERE'S NO FOOD IN HEAVEN,'CAUSE FOOD IS ALIVE,

SO, WHAT KIND OF HEAVEN IS THATFOR FOOD, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, COWS ARE ALIVE,AND THEN WE EAT THEM.

AND THEY GO TO HEAVEN.WE JUST [BLEEP] EAT THEM AGAIN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE.

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