Are we ready, everybody?[cheers and applause]
North, the South, let's roast!
- All right, Eli, a homophobewho looks like a [bleep].
Here we go.This is actually true.
Before Netflix existed,"Making a Murderer"
was just whatEli's parents called [bleep].
- Scott. Scott, your parentsrecently separated
'cause your dad died.
- Oh, shit.- Your dad was a racist cop.
He's in hell now.
We'll, he's actually in heaven,but he calls it hell
because Martin Luther King'sthere.
- What the [bleep] shit?
Eli, your geneticsare so shitty my dead dad
could beat upyour alive dad.
- Scott, you and your girlfriendbroke up after two,
three abortions?- [laughs]
- You loved your girlfriend
because she remindedyou of your hero,
she [bleep]a bunch of minorities
and it's amazinghow much she settled.
- That was too smart.Don't laugh at that, Lisa.
- Last jokes!- Okay. Here we go.
If you wereany more white trash,
you'd be the tissueyour mother wishes
your father jerked off into.
- You [bleep] orphan.Y'all know who he reminds me of?
Y'all know the book"Oliver Twist."
Doesn't he remind you of someone
who doesn't knowhow to read that book?
- Hey.[bell dinging]
That's one.Scott Chaplain, Eli Sairs.
- Lisa, what do you think ofthese two roasters right here?
- I thought they were terrific.
First of all, that guy,what's your name?
- Scott.- Yeah, Scott.
I thought you might betoo good-looking
to be a roaster 'cause obviouslymost roasters are [bleep] ugly.
Look at Jeff and Jim.
You were terrific.
The MLK joke was the only oneI didn't like. Who did the--
- That was him, though.- Shut the [bleep] up, dude.
No, who did the MLK joke?- I did.
- You're ugly enoughto get away with it.
I thought you wereboth very good.
I had no hopesfor either of you,
but now I'm enthused.
I gotta go withthe [bleep] ugly one
'cause I have to tell you...
- Yeah.- ...That one's gonna have
worse success with women
and this guy just needs anythinghe can get to get laid.
- I don't like Lisacalling me ugly.
You look like a Smurf[bleep] in your hair.
- Hey!- You, Eli,
you look likethree different men
who molested mewhen I was a child.
It's really hardto pick out of you guys
'cause you are bothlittle mean bastards.
I probably have to go with Eli,but it's really close.
I think I had to give you
'cause that Martin Luther Kingjoke was really brilliant,
but you were also--you were really great too, man.
- Thank you, Jim.- Two for Eli, huh? All right.
- I'll say it. You know,I watch a lot of battle rap
and shit, you know what I mean?
I just take, like, marksif somebody say a punch line,
like, I just make a little markand I got, uh, damn,
I got three to one on Eli
and shit,so, you know what I mean?
Eli, I would say you, dude.
- You black son of a bitch.
- Did you say black sonof a bitch?
- No. No, I did not, Jay.- No, no. He said that shit.
- Yeah. He did.- He said that shit.
- Don't worry. His dad was a copfrom New Jersey so he meant it.
My favorite part of this battleis gonna be the hug at the end
'cause it's the first one eitherof them will have in 15 years.
I actually thoughtScott was better.
Had more energy.Was [bleep] feisty.
I say Scott.
- Well, you know what?I thought you were great, Eli.
I really did. And I haven't seenyou as much as I've seen Scott.
But Scott always delivers
and I scored upthree to two for Scott, so.
- Oh, we have our first winnerof the night.
Make it loud of Eli Sairs.
- Thank you. Thanks.- Hug each other.
- Would I battle Eli again?
Not any time soon, no,'cause, I don't feel like
writing for him anymore,it's, you know--
- Yeah, I'm very sickof thinking about him right now.
- Very, very tired.- Yeah.
Sick of thinking about himand his dead dad and his--
- That's right, baby.He's still dead.
That's very true.
- It's still funnyto bring it up, too.
Still funny.all: Battle! Battle!